I’ve been busy writing. I have like 50 drafts of short and long form essays I’ve thought of recently. It’s like I’m defrosting after someone found me in the back of the freezer.
I was having a weird day (emotionally) yesterday. I couldn’t quite escape some of the thoughts coming into my head. I grabbed my headphones and went for a walk in my neighborhood. I kept stopping and shaking my head as if this would make them go away.
I called my dad and talked to him for a while. I tend to do this when I don’t know what else to do. I told him I was feeling sad and missing my brother, Jeb. He said he was too.
When I got back from my walk, I jumped in the shower and got ready. Adam and I walked down the street to a little bar and had some cheese, a basket of bread and a glass of wine. Then we stopped for a (vegetarian) hot dog and kept walking. I ran inside to grab Russ and we did a bigger neighborhood loop as the sun was going down. It was one of the nicest weeknights I can remember.
I fell asleep on the couch and made my way to bed. When I woke up this morning, I came out and had a cup of coffee in my little sitting chair. I signed up for a library card.
i love when someone watches a movie you recommended
and like it!!
i miss having a blog that was hidden away and only known to people i shared it with. i enjoy writing stuff here without worrying about who’s reading it or what they’re thinking.
it’s finally getting warmer and nicer in Berlin. i’ve been going for runs 4-5 times per week and that has helped my mood significantly. i feel disciplined and grounded with my running routine when in so many other areas, i don’t feel that same sense of discipline.
i haven’t been to a gym regularly in months. the idea of fighting for a space when it’s my time to think or unwind hasn’t felt appealing to me. i like the idea of being alone and outside.
i’ve been neglecting my writing a bit. i need to sit down and hold myself accountable and get some of the things out of my mind and on to paper, so to speak. i have essays and an outline for a book i need to work on. i know once i get going it will be all consuming and i’ll enjoy it but the tunnel vision will set in.
on a bad day, i feel a little boring or i don’t have a lot to say anymore . . . but on a good day, i know that’s not true. things are stable and good right now and for that, i’m thankful. i know it won’t always be like this. i know what it’s like when it isn’t.
i do feel that something needs to change but i’m not sure what. maybe it’s changing up my weekly routine or trying something new. maybe it’s taking a class? i’m not sure. but i do know that i have the capacity for a little challenge or exploration.
anyway, this is where i am at the moment.
It looks like I’ve gone dark and I kind of have?? Only kind of, though.
I’ve been powering a lot of my writing energy into my substack just ’cause. I don’t want to neglect this lil site though. It’s like my real side that only a few people can find. I like to keep it that way.
Anyway, I’ll write more here. I’m fighting off the winter blues but I’m doing my best. We’ll see.
i had a dream about my brother last night. it was so real. i heard his voice and his laugh again. i miss him
back to back thanksgiving dinners!
I entered the lottery for the Berlin Marathon and to my surprise (and horror) I’ve been selected! At first, I was feeling scared and regretted signing up. . . but after a few days, I feel better about the news and I’m actually looking forward to the training.
When I trained for my first half marathon in early 2024, I didn’t realize how much a steady running plan could stabilize my life and emotions. It taught me real discipline and I simply showed up on the days I was supposed to and ran the given distance. I surprised myself over the course of multiple months how I improved and found what was once impossible was just another day of running.
I have ten months until the marathon and I want to spend the first five maintaining my level of running and slowly increasing my endurance and distance. In the second half of my training in the spring, I want to focus on intervals and pace. This running plan, combined with my strength training plan, should pull me out of my aimless phase as it pertains to fitness. I have something to work towards and well, that’s something I can work with.
Off for a very chilly, afternoon run!