To say it’s been a hard few months would be the understatement of the year. I have worn it on my face and couldn’t have denied that fact even if I tried. It would reduce my experience to say that swimming in the ocean, eating good food or hugging my best friend, Carly, would suddenly wipe away my problems.. But it sure did revive my soul in a way I didn’t think was possible. I’ve been stubborn in my own misery to think there wouldn’t be a single thing that would bring me joy or life back into my eyes. As I ran around Alexanderplatz frantically looking for Carly, I looked across the platform and there she was. When I finally got to her, we hugged and cried into each others shoulders. I finally felt like I could exhale. I took two weeks off from work (for the first time ever I may add), booked a trip to Greece and had a coffee or wine next to my best friend every day. It was a big step towards healing and coming back to myself.
I sent a picture of Carly and I to someone and they said “you’re smiling with your eyes.” I sent a video of us in Greece laughing and carrying on to someone else and they said “happiness looks good on you. it’s nice to see you smiling again.” There is something so restorative about being with a person who makes you feel like yourself in the full meaning of the phrase. Existing and spending time with a person who you can speak freely with or sit in silence and not feel uncomfortable is rare I’ve come to learn as an adult. A person with whom you can share thoughts or funny stories without fear of judgment. I’ve spent the last two weeks with the laptop slammed shut, sleeping in when I felt like it, having a wine or beer at 1pm just because and staying out until 5am dancing in a techno club with a person who makes me feel like me again.
I’ve never been to Greece. I also haven’t jumped into an open body of water all summer long. There’s a really special feeling that washes over you when you’re landing in a tropical place and you see the coast and the clear blue water for the first time. The feeling of the hot air that hits you as soon as you step off the plane that resembles opening an oven. The excitement that builds when you’re on your way to your hotel and you’re thinking about all the things you can do while you’re there. Carly’s mom explained that feeling to me and I wish I could bottle it up and keep it on the shelf for a rainy day. I haven’t felt that feeling in a long time. As we got into our van and serpentined through the island, I saw the beach, the deep orange sunset casting its light over the fields of olive trees and the rocky mountainous landscape that looked like the surface of the moon.
We spent our mornings eating breakfast together. During the day, we laid in the sun and went to the ocean. By night, we explored the little nearby towns and had dinner together. We cheers’d our drinks to the Greek sunset and made each other laugh. I slept better than I have in months and woke up to the powerful sun beaming through our shut curtains. We decided to rent a car to explore the island further. I haven’t driven a car in almost a year and I didn’t realize how liberating that would feel, either. I was so excited at the prospect of driving that I immediately jumped into the car at 10pm with nowhere to go, rolled down the windows and took off into the dark abyss. It felt like the day I got my drivers license (which alternatively was a cold day in January) as I was so eager to hit the pavement. I felt free and in control again which made me realize just how out of control I had become of my life, my emotions and direction.
When we returned to Berlin, we took it easy. We had our morning coffee together. We went for walks. We went on little pub crawls around the neighborhood. We sat outside with beers and went shopping for new clothes. We watched shows together on my couch and ordered take out. Sometimes I would look over to see Carly sleeping and it made me feel safe just to know she was there. I guess what I’m trying to say is, she brought light and a piece of home with her and I’ll forever be thankful for that.
As I sit here and write this, I feel different than I did three weeks ago. There’s a fine line between self-regulating and needing validation/love from others to feel okay. But this trip and visit made me feel whole again in a way that can only happen when you’re around a person you really love. When you get energy from a relationship or friendship vs. it draining you. I feel energized and so very lucky for my friendship with Carly.
I really didn’t think I’d feel this way again.