Last night, I went to the first ballet class I’ve been to in 15 years!! It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but it’s been hard to find the right time and class… maybe also the courage? I have a very complicated relationship with ballet or rather dance in general. I grew up as a dancer which surprises many people. I spent every weeknight of my life in a dance studio from 5-9:30 pm and nearly every weekend traveling to competitions or workshops. I did my homework in between classes, made some of my best friends at the studio, and logged many hours at the bar or on the marble floor. I don’t know that I would have chosen to be a dancer but that was all I knew for most of my life. If given the choice, I most likely would have chosen soccer or volleyball. Oh well!
I liked dancing and was okay at it for the most part. I had favorite genres (tap, jazz, and modern) but ballet was a constant and almost any dancer had to take ballet or technique. I took many, many hours of ballet as a child and teenager. I would liken a ballet class to a Catholic mass in the sense that you’re comforted by the traditional order of things. You could take a ballet class almost anywhere in the world and know what to expect and I find comfort in that fact alone. This leads me to last night…
I don’t know if I’ve been passively avoidant about engaging with dance again but as I was walking on a late January night to the dance studio, I was thinking quite a bit about my relationship with the subject. It was exactly 14 years ago that I “put in my notice” so to speak for dancing. I was 16 and I decided on a random night in January that I would never return to the dance studio. Something I had put so much effort and dedication into was done just like that. There’s a longer, darker story to be told here but to summarize, I was grieving and couldn’t fathom doing anything that would bring me joy for the foreseeable future. I lost my best friend in a car accident in early January of 2009 and I was never the same.
I missed dancing and my friends at the studio but I actively blocked that out of my mind for years. I accepted the unceremonious ending to my one passion without question or deep thought/introspection. Looking back now, I can tell the grief I had for ending my relationship with dancing showed up in different areas of my life for years. All of this to say, to be able to reconnect to something I once loved very much was incredibly healing. I was amazed at how natural it felt to be in a dance studio late on a Wednesday night with 30 other girls, stretching my body in a way that is equal parts familiar and foreign now.
I’d like to go back and I think I will. Honestly, I’m just proud of myself for making it through the threshold of the studio and letting myself enjoy something I love without any expectations.