from the drafts- October 3, 2024
it’s almost 3 am and i can’t sleep. there’s something comforting to me about being an adult and having my own place in situations like these. i have the ability to switch rooms and turn the lights or tv for a change of scenery and having the freedom to do so. i’m sitting on the floor of my living room next to a space heater, with my headphones on…of course.
yesterday was strange for me and i felt off all day. i found myself standing in the kitchen staring blankly for minutes on end. the night prior i had a recurring night terror where i wake up suddenly and realize i’m living in a foreign country all alone and feel terrified by that thought all at once. the night anxiety has improved greatly over the past six months but for reasons unknown, it hit me hard yesterday.
as i sit here, i have a lot of thoughts racing through my head. mind you, i’m still half asleep. i’m listening to this song which i have a strong emotional tie to and i’m not sure i can explain it. i’ll try. it reminds me of standing in a small club in Budapest with my good friend Peter on a February night feeling very lost. the band playing had a set with a deep blue light show and i remember swaying back and forth wondering what the hell i was doing with my life. later, i listened to this song a lot when i ran and it kind of gave me purpose in that sense because it has a nice build.
i’m a firm believer in timing and signs from the universe. in some way or another, i’ve been exactly where i was supposed to be when i was there. sometimes timing is cruel and i can’t make sense of it but for the sake of my sanity, i choose to trust that there’s a bigger reason for it all.
now i’m just rambling.
i guess what i’m trying to say is: everything has played out the way it was supposed to and i have to trust that. what else can i do?
