I’ve been traveling a lot for work recently and I’m home now for the next two months. My brain has felt stuck in a freeze and it’s defrosting now where I can start writing, reading, visiting with my friends and replying to texts again. I’ve been out of touch for weeks and that’s made me feel disconnected and a bit anxious. I don’t know if I can pinpoint the origin of the anxiety but I don’t like feeling like I’m a bad friend.
I went to Vienna for work last week and stayed longer for a personal trip. Adam met me there and we spent three days in the 7th district walking around and exploring. Vienna is a special place for me as it’s where Omie was born and where she considered home. Visiting Vienna has always felt like a way I could still connect to her—even hearing the dialect and accent is a warm, familiar feeling to me. While we were there, I had Viennese coffees, visited the Christmas markets, went to a kino, an art museum, etc. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just enjoy spending time there and want to more often.
As soon as I arrived in Vienna, I went straight to the camera shop for a roll of film. When I got there, they had a little vending machine with different types of film you could buy any time. They were sold out of color so black and white was my only option. I say this as a forewarning because the last rolls of film have been black and white and this isn’t my new default. I always shoot a roll of film differently when it’s black and white, though. Anyway, I’ve already dropped it off for developing so I’ll follow-up with the pictures if they’re any good.
When I visited Vienna for this first time in 2018, it was a very intimate, deeply personal trip. It would be my first trip to Vienna but also one to bring Omie home, in a matter of speaking. It was never a question to me that I should bring her back to Vienna to rest peacefully. So on this trip, my brother and I brought her ashes to Vienna so our family could lay her to rest in her actual home, Vienna. This act felt like the closure I had been desperately seeking after grappling with her death for nearly a year. I spent a lot of time on that trip with my headphones on, walking around the city or sitting in parks. Since that trip nearly six years ago, I’ve been eager to bring Adam to Vienna so he could experience such a special place for me and for Omie.
It’s funny to visit a city like Vienna and then come back to one like Berlin. Each city is beautiful and unique in their own way but Vienna lacks the edge that Berlin has—an aspect of this city that I appreciate. When I lived in the Bay Area, this was one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much. There was an honesty to the place that I hadn’t experienced in other places. There was also a sense of pride from the people that found their place there and worked to make it inclusive and keep it authentic. I like that Berlin is a melting pot and not a traditional German city. But as I was thinking about this last night and inevitably comparing the two cities in my mind, a homeless guy spit on me while I rode the U3 home. I wasn’t in the mood and for a moment, it made me fatigued with the idea of Berlin… only for a moment, though.
I went to a yoga class last night and spent 90 minutes trying to get my brain back into a normal place. At one point, I felt the thoughts racing and I couldn’t settle into any sort of equilibrium. Then, as I peddled my feet in downward dog, I felt the hands of the instructor on top of mine. She wasn’t correcting me, but simply allowing a transference of energy to happen. I was actually surprised how quickly my mind came to a screeching halt and all I felt was calm and warm. Physical touch used to be something I strayed away from and actually made me recoil but within the last year, I find myself touching someone’s arm or feeling comforted by the touch of someone, even strangers in this case. I went to this class with a friend and we talked about this afterwards over dinner. We also went into the topic of energies and frequencies and I find myself thinking more about this as it pertains to who who I spend my time with or what activities I take part in.
It’s a Friday morning and I’m looking forward to a slow weekend. I want to get a Christmas tree, make soup at home and watch movies. I took the week of Christmas off (for the first time ever) and I want to be fully checked out and enjoy the last part of this year. 2024 was much better to me than 2023 and for that I’m thankful. I have my wish list for next year but things certainly feel lighter and I’m hopeful about the plans I can make.