Sometimes, more often than not, I wonder what people think of me. Not in a way that makes me insecure necessarily, but I do wonder what their impression of me is. I can’t tell the difference between the projections of myself and reality sometimes. I try to access how I feel around certain people and understand why that’s the case. Why do I feel confident and operate as my true self in the company of some, and in other cases, fall on a self-deprecating sword and signal I’m insecure or unsure of myself? I think about these things deeply when I’m sitting on a train or on a walk.
and then co-star heard my cries….
No but really, I’m feeling more secure in myself than I have in a long time. From my writing, to work, style, routine, friend groups, relationship, etc. I have a stable core right now which allows me to be more explorative with these things and feel assured at the end of the day. I’ve fought my way out of a corner as to not feel the need for exterior validation. Of course it’s nice from time to time but it doesn’t dictate what I do or what I wear so much anymore.
I’ve been traveling for work this week and my social battery is empty. I’ve also been sitting under fluorescent lights for four days straight and it feels like my brain is melting. I’m looking forward to getting dinner at the train station and reading one of the books I downloaded for the ride back.
I’ll be back here regularly more often. I’m just trying to strike a balance with it all.