I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about the lack of “summer-y” weather in Berlin. . . but I gotta say: I’m done with that. Today, I took Russ on his normal morning loop and it felt like a late September/early October kind of weather. It’s chilly but the sun is out. There’s a breeze and I don’t know, it made me really happy. It’s my favorite kind of weather and wearing a sweatshirt and feeling comfortable outside is something I look forward to at the end of every summer.
I started asking myself why I was so fixated on the lack of blistering heat. I don’t particularly love when it’s hot, hot but it tells me where we are in the year. I’ve mentioned this before but I very much need four distinct seasons in order to feel like each block of months has been in its rightful place. I think that’s why when the weather is feeling more fall-ish, it makes the months blur together for me.
I was looking through my pictures today trying to find something in particular. Somehow I ended up on fall 2020 and it was like a gut punch. We drove from California to Tennessee with Russell so we could visit our families. It took us four days and we traveled through Lake Tahoe, Reno, Salt Lake City, parts of Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri and finally, Tennessee. It was a nice drive despite it taking four days. I mean at this point of the pandemic, there really wasn’t much to do anyway. I spent time with my dad and stayed at my grandma’s house. I worked remotely from the “pod” aka the room/loft above my grandparent’s garage. I opened the door on the balcony that’s right off the office portion of the pod and had the chilly air circulating through the screen door. From that vantage point, you can see horses next door, a small wooded area at the bottom of the hill and the mountains in the far distance. It’s peaceful up there.
I had stocked up on pumpkin items at Trader Joe’s and brought them along with me. I had pumpkin coffees in the morning with my dad and on my lunch break, I’d sit with him and my grandma and have sandwiches together. At night, my dad made a bonfire and we roasted veggie hot dogs and made s’mores. Sometimes thinking about this stuff makes my chest hurt. It’s like longing for something that doesn’t exist anymore because well, it doesn’t. I can never get that back but that’s life I guess.
Later in my visit, I stayed with Adam’s parents in Knoxville. We decided we’d go all out for Halloween. We decorated the house, we made spooky cocktails, fall snacks, a big pot of chili and cardboard gravestones. My dad came to visit because he loves Halloween. We handed out candy to the little neighborhood kids in their cute costumes. These are the things I really miss about home—the fall season, specifically. I’ve gone to “Halloween” parties in Berlin but they aren’t the same.
Last year I was here alone so I watched the Halloween episodes of my favorite shows (I was on a Boy Meets World kick) and I lit my spooky candles, made some chili and laid on the couch with Russ. Maybe this year I’ll throw a party, I don’t know. But the point is, I was thinking about this time and how nice it was. How the pandemic, despite feeling hopeless and miserable, also resulted in some of my favorite memories.
I’ll be home soon.
Photos from the archive of fall 2020~
