August kind of wiped me out. . . I’ve been fighting to get back to a baseline where I can feel like I’m energized in some way but I’m just not there yet. I had so much stress and traveling last month that it’s been hard for me to get back into a rhythm and not feel like I’m nearing burn out. I think we’re headed in the right direction but unfortunately, it takes energy to move and I have very little to give.
I’m on an eight week running plan as of yesterday and that gives me purpose/structure. Luckily, I started off with an easy run and spent 45 minutes jogging around my neighborhood as the sun was setting. I love where I live and I feel proud to know my neighborhood so well. I don’t need directions or assistance so it makes running aimlessly even more enjoyable.
As I was running, I was listening to Bon Iver to help slow my pace down. He always reminds me of fall and drudges up some fond memories of mine. I’ve been in my head a lot since I got back from the U.S. and I have more to say about that, just not at this exact moment. I haven’t sorted it all out yet. I’ve avoided going home for so long for this exact reason. In summation, it’s just confirming that I don’t feel like I fully belong in either place—a truth I’ve known already but didn’t necessarily want to face. It’s not as binary as that when you get into the details but for the sake of brevity today, it is.
I think my mind is exhausted from talking about my nationality or where I come from or where I live now. When I’m here, we talk about America. When I’m home, we talk about Germany. My life has been somewhat defined by this fact and while I enjoy telling my friends on either side about how the other is, I just feel kind of tired. It’s like having the same conversation I’ve rehearsed in my head. . . but I always end up leaving the conversation with some sort of regret, hoping I didn’t misrepresent something or thinking they caught me on a day where I was feeling frustrated with one of the places and that shouldn’t be the overall impression.
It’s funny because I know I’ve changed since I got on a plane three years ago and came here but it was highlighted when I went home. My priorities have changed in so many ways, in the ways that I wanted them to change. I enjoyed the ease of conversing with people wherever I went and the ability to advocate for myself. I scoffed at high prices of groceries and questioned why everyone chose to drive short distances. I rolled my eyes at paying $10 for a Kölsch at a “German Beer Garden” in DC and thought of the one I could have at my Späti for 2 euros. I asked the bartender to make my bill $12 instead of $10 to which he looked at me like I was insane and told me to add the tip on the tip line which made me feel embarrassed. Of course this is how you tip someone in the U.S. but now it’s a force of habit to add it before like I do in Germany.
I felt mixed up and backwards until someone in line complimented my hat and said “Go Vols.” I felt comfortable and safe sitting in the pod of my dad’s house having a coffee across from him. I rode around with my dad in his jeep and stopped at Publix for meatless subs. I walked around the old neighborhood I used to live in. I looked at the balcony of my old apartment and saw they had a dog, too. I did the loop I used to do with Russell every day on my lunch break. I popped my head into the Irish bar where I used to play Monday beer trivia just to see how it looked after the remodel. I went into Trader Joe’s and grabbed a few snacks. It felt good to be there but also disoriented me how quickly I moved on from that feeling and how ready I was to be back at home, in Germany, in Berlin with Russ.
I’ll go into the details of the trip at a later date but I was constantly moving. I was in a car, on a motorcycle, or on a plane going to the next place. It felt like I saw people in 30 minute slots and had to move on to my next appointment. Will it always feel that way when I go home? It used to when I was in college. For someone who has such strong, nostalgic ties to their past, places and people, I have a strange ability to shut things off in my brain out of self-protection. I can detach myself emotionally from certain things in order to function. This is a subconscious habit and the conscious side of myself clings to these things so I won’t forget. But I never forget. I just pack it in a box, store it on a shelf and visit it when I can.
I’m where I’m supposed to be, of this I’m certain. I just need to give myself some time to feel the things I need to and recalibrate so I can get my energy back.