I listened to a podcast recently about the art of solitude and how distractions have essentially melted our brains over time. If we don’t have silence, we don’t have the room for creativity. My mind has felt so cloudy and as a result, I haven’t had the ability to focus on anything creative at all. I like to write, I enjoy using my film camera and yet I’ve found ways to do everything except those things. I’ve fallen victim to aimlessly scrolling, talking for hours on the phone or listening to music instead.
Recently, I took a trip to the bookstore and I decided to get a copy of A Room of One’s Own in both German and English text side by side. I started reading this book back in 2020 and the content is more relevant (to me) than ever. And now finally, I have a room of my own and money which enables me to write and create.
When I go for walks, I think about things I want to write. Sometimes I take notes in my phone or draft an entire essay in my head. Today while I was out, I sent myself texts as to not forget about the things I wanted to say. I’ve only experienced true mental clarity a handful of times in my life and they’ve always been when I’m physically alone for a period of time. In that period of solitude, I’ve been able to breakthrough to something that didn’t seem possible in other times.
In 2019, just months before the pandemic, I was living in Berkeley and I experienced said clarity. I remember my mind felt so clear and I was seeing things for what they were for the first time in a long time. I drove across the bay bridge one night on my way to see friends and I almost felt manic by the thought of how good I felt and the way I was observing things. I really liked my job, I made a good group of friends from scratch and I was living in one of the most beautiful places on earth. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was really settling into myself.
I can romanticize that time in my life but it would be accurate in a lot of ways and it directly parallels a lot of the clarity I’m facing now. The situations are quite similar in that I’m exactly where I want to be, making new friends and exploring myself in a way I haven’t in quite some time. I’ve tried things I never would and been exposed to so many different styles, cultures and experiences. I felt this way in California, too. I recognized that time in my life as a chapter that enabled life-changing growth, even when it was hard.
I wish I could find a way to organize my creative endeavours but that’s currently in progress. I’m working on my photos, reviews of movies, a newsletter, etc., etc. I don’t want to have any reservations in this regard anymore. There’s always a risk when sharing things you create because it reveals another part of yourself and leaves you feeling vulnerable or open to judgment. I simply want to create things and express myself, again. I think I’m getting there and I definitely have the tools to do so.
There is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”