Author: Li'l Kendie

too on the nose: in musical form 

this series and book mean so much to me. i always come back to it

i’ve felt “off” for the last few weeks. i haven’t felt my best when socializing or that i hit my stride easily. it’s frustrating and makes me self conscious.

today i met a friend and we had a nice talk. it was the first time in a while where i didn’t feel awkward or second guess myself. we talked about connection (and reconnection), love, maturing, empathy, so on and so forth. we sat in a park on the edge of a fountain and met up only to talk and have that conversation during my lunch break. i left feeling energized. maybe i broke the spell?

i miss having interactions like this. i miss having deeper conversations with people. it’s been a minute!

how saturdays feel

I was in German class last night and the exercise was to write a postcard to a friend. I know a lot of vocabulary in German but often I’ll go to say something and realize I have a complete blindspot when it comes to knowing the word for something very simple and common.

In my postcard I wrote this to my classmate, George, who’s an Australian expat living in Berlin. She’s cool.

“Liebe George, 

ich hoffe diese briefe finden dich. Ich bin in Österreich mit meiner Familie. Sie sprechen Deutsch mit einem dialekt und ich verstehe nur ein bisschen. Wir sind in die Berge gegangen. Es war sehr schön! Und jetzt, ich bin in der Stadt. Ich gehe ins Cafe für Frühstück. Ich verspreche viele Fotos machen für dich! Du bist mein Lieblingsaustralien, nicht Österreicherin! Ich bin lustig. Ja, so, ich sehe dich in eine Woche in die Schule! 

Bis dann! Tschüss!

LG aus Österreich,

Kendall”

Anyway it sounds like an eight year old wrote that but I’m practicing different cases (akkustativ/dativ) so I had to write it a certain way. But to the point, as I was writing this, I went to write “I promise” and it occurred to me, I had no clue what the word for “promise” in German is. I asked my teacher and she wrote “versprechen” on the board. I promise I won’t forget that word… get it?

This got me thinking about the premise of a promise. I’ve hung on the words someone promised me. I still take them seriously but I don’t expect everyone to do what they say they will. That kind of thinking has led to a lot of disappointment and resentful feelings on my side. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been more careful about when I use that word or what I promise. I try to promise what I know I can deliver and I honor commitments better than I used to. I understand the weight they carry and my role in providing someone with an expectation for how I’ll show up. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I try to make promises I know I can keep or have a very good reason why I can’t keep them at this point in my life.

Lastly, I want to express a deep appreciation for those who have made promises to me and have done their best to keep them. I don’t always want to focus on the negative or when people let me down—rather put the emphasis on when people show up for me. And so many people do.

one of the best explanations of grief and loss

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’ll be running in the Berlin half marathon in a few weeks! For some reason I didn’t sign up when I had the opportunity so I had to fundraise for a bib. I ended up raising close to 500 euros for a dog rescue in the UK so despite feeling like I was selling girl scout cookies to my family and friends, I ended up raising money for a good cause and in return, they’ll let me run in the race—my home race!

I’ll be honest, I don’t really care about racing or completing a run in a certain timeframe but I do like the energy of running in a big group of people and knowing my friends will be cheering for me. I’ve found running to be such an individual and private exercise for me since I’m not part of a running club (yet..) so in this once instance, knowing I’ll get to run in the city where I live on a nice spring day with support will be fun. I haven’t stopped running since I started running consistently this time last year and I’ve become more confident in my abilities.

All of this to say, come April 6, I’ll be running around the streets of Berlin and hopefully completing the distance through the pillars of the Brandenburger Tor! I ordered some new shoes for the occasion which if I decide to keep them, I’d need to start breaking them in asap. . .

On a semi-related note, I also decided it would be a good idea (lol) to sign up for a Hyrox race. The race is also in Berlin and takes place at Tempelhoferfeld which is pretty cool. Right after my half marathon, I’ll shift my focus to solely training for this race. I feel, okay about it? After these two races, I’ll want a break from any sort of competition. I like challenging myself but I also enjoy the private nature of my exercise routines and using them as a form of release and self-care.

Wish me luck!

I’ve been in my head a lot recently but what else is new? I’ve been thinking a lot about decision making, consumption, energy expenditure, etc. I’ve been reading articles about decluttering in every sense. I downloaded a book for my Kindle that goes through the process of simplifying your life. I get fatigued by making decisions quicker than I’d like to admit. I shut down at times when too many options are presented to me and I feel like I’m losing my mind when I zoom out and realize everything is designed to get you to spend money.

I asked myself when I feel most at peace and the answer is: when I don’t have a lot going on. I like to be busy in a matter of speaking but not overwhelmed or stretched too thin. Perhaps I like being active more than anything else. When I’ve been on an island or in a small town, I’m extremely comforted by the lack of options whether it be things to buy at a store or activities to do. In that regard, I’m pretty simple. The amount of time or energy I spend on thinking about things to buy makes me sick. A few years ago when I started doing my yoga teacher training, I started reading Light on Yoga. In the initial pages, it covers mind control, not giving into impulses, living modestly, and so on. It became abundantly clear to me how much I’m being controlled by big corporations and how most of their success hinges on my unhappiness or my constant search for a dopamine hit.

There’s a difference though, right? I’ve lived in smaller places and found myself bored or unstimulated. Part of that falls to me but the other part falls to the places I ended up. They weren’t particularly interesting or walkable. If I lived on an island now with limited options or a smaller town near nature, I think at my age I could make my own happiness. I think I’d feel extreme relief from the lack of options but also frustrated at times if I wanted to do something specific. I think that’s why I’ve found running and yoga to be two constant forms of exercise or movement that appeal to me the most. You don’t need a lot to do either and both of them allow you to move your body wherever you are.

Call me boring but over the past few years I derive pleasure from small, mundane things. Saving up to buy a new bike so I don’t have to ride the uBahn. Finding a book I’m interested in and want to dedicate time to reading. Writing an essay that I had floating around in my mind. Giving Russell a bath or brushing him. Planting flowers on my balcony. Vacuuming and mopping the floors. Putting my laundry away. Making my little bowl of yogurt with berries and granola in the morning. Opening the windows when the weather feels nice and bringing fresh air into my apartment. Seeing a movie I love is available on a streaming service I subscribe to. Overhearing a conversation in German and understanding (mostly) what they’re talking about.

I visited Innsbruck a few years ago in the mid-late phases of the pandemic. It was about this time of year so spring was starting and you could stand in the sun with a light jacket or short sleeves. I refilled my bottle at every chance with fresh spring water from the Alps. I drank coffees in the sun and played chess at an outdoor park. I walked through the neighborhoods and explored the small city within two days. I thought a lot about the people who lived in Innsbruck and how they must have some sport that they do with such close proximity to nature. In town, I’d see people with their ski gear walking to a coffee shop. For winter sports, hiking, or trail running, it’s an oasis. I wondered what my life would be if I lived there. Would it be too small? Would I utilize the accessibility to nature? Russ would love it, that I know for sure.

In my journal that morning, I wrote this:

Memo no. Austria

Date: 3/27/2022

I’m currently eating breakfast in Austria with Adam. It feels a little surreal. We’ve talked about coming here for a long time and now it’s happening. Our getting here was smooth but physically, O felt rough. We didn’t sleep and had a pretty long day. Now that I’ve had a hot bath and coffee, I’m feeling much better. For the next few days, we’re staying in Innsbruck—the city where my grandmother’s mom lived for many years and where she’s buried. Everywhere you go, you have a view of high reaching, snow covered alps with crystal blue streams running beneath. Yesterday, the weather was warm and everywhere we went we saw people out walking, biking, reading or having a drink with their friends. I haven’t been back to Europe in over two years and to be back feels like a dream, literally. It almost makes me forget the pandemic and other horrible things we’ve endured when I look outside and see these people enjoying their lives in this way. I haven’t been in a situation where I was challenged mentally to problem solve or speak another language in quite some time. It’s overwhelming but a nice change. I know that I want to be here someday and I also acknowledge it will be another challenge in itself. These kinds of experiences force you out of complacency and keep you moving. I guess I’ve been stuck.”

I can remember that feeling well. If that was written in March, I’d get my job offer in early August and move to Germany in October. Realizing that timeline in hindsight is kind of hard to believe. Our trip really left an impression on us and served as motivation for making our lives here a reality.

Would I be at my happiest if I had less choices on a daily basis? Probably. Would it make me feel better to be surrounded by nature and less noise? Maybe. Do I like living in a big city? Most days, yes. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to find a way to distance myself from the things that cause my mind to melt or lose focus. I don’t want to spend so much time thinking about what I should buy or things I can spend money on. I just want to have less choices and feel confident about the decisions I make.

Bonus: photos from that trip ~