Li’l Kendie – Page 12

lately

i’m officially registered in Berlin as of today

2 years later lol

yesterday wasn’t the best day, mentally speaking. i stood in my kitchen and looked out the window while listening to music on full blast. i smeared some peanut butter on a rice cake and stared out into the dark back lot of my apartment while seeing my faint reflection in the shadow. i felt stuck yesterday but i can’t quite explain why. i would go to sit down and pop right back up, put my shoes on and take Russ outside. i looped the neighborhood and walked aimlessly while attempting to sort through my thoughts. nothing is wrong and nothing has happened necessarily, it was just one of those days. the dips come and they go.

i’ve been on a 90’s rock rotation recently. this genre of music makes me happy/nostalgic but definitely contributes to a weird headspace. this period of time reminds me of my brother, Jeb. i miss him a lot and i don’t know what to do with the emotions and grief i carry surrounding that topic. i feel very alone with it. death and loss make people uncomfortable, naturally so. my family has a very odd way of handling this topic and focuses on the wrong aspects of it, in my opinion. over the summer, my therapist gave me space to talk about Jeb and recount memories. nobody has really ever asked me to do that or taken that approach. when i left the office i felt like i was 100 pounds lighter. i want to remember him and talk about him. i don’t want to hide him in the corners of my brain to keep myself safe.

i think i need a change of scenery for a minute. i’m looking forward to going to Italy this weekend for an escape from Germany. i love Germany but i need a kleine pause from the darkness, cold and gray. i want to eat pasta, drink espresso, sit next to the sea and read my book. i want to take my film camera and just walk around—one of life’s greatest pleasures. i almost forgot how much i enjoy a day in a new place with my camera. i let that get away from me for a bit when i first got to Germany.

i’ve finally found my way back to myself, i think. i read once that you can’t exactly do that because you’re always evolving and changing. an author (and therapist) said you can’t go into the closet and find the old jacket, in this case, your sense of self, and put it back on because that doesn’t exist. to some degree, i disagree with that sentiment. sure, i’ve grown and altered myself over time but there is a base line i tend to make my way back to, especially as it pertains to the things i enjoy or where i find peace. there are integral parts of me that have always in some way existed and alone time, journaling, taking photos or exercise have been a constant that i look to when i’m needing something to hold onto. anyway, i’m looking forward to visiting a new city and sharing what i see with you.

i’ve been hanginaround ~

pan

“You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”

a place where i’m still visited by people i love who are no longer here.

you’ve got mail

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: receiving mail is one of my favorite things. seeing a friend or family member’s hand writing on the envelope makes me want to cry.

today i opened my mailbox to find a surprise letter from my friend, Maira. they sent me a little new year’s zine of their goals for this year and updates. i miss them.

time to re-order international stamps!

italian archives

from the archives

italy 2018

ciao

Yesterday I decided to go to the gym with my book and read while walking at an incline. I enjoy audiobooks but I really miss dedicated reading time. Sometimes I find it hard to sit down and read at my house because I start to look around at all the things I need to do and get easily distracted. A few weekends ago, I went to a coffee shop to read and that was a nice change of pace, too. Anyway, I went to the gym and found a free treadmill to post up on for an hour or so. I propped my book up against the front and began reading and walking. The time went by quickly and I got deeper into the story which helps motivate me to continue reading this week/weekend.

My brother, Ryan, sent me a text last night and gave me his “gentle” reminder to keep posting on my website. I’ve always appreciated that he checks in and encourages me to keep writing. He revealed that he also has 20 or so essays sitting in his drafts from months prior. I’ve written a lot and published none of it. I found that a lot of what I was writing didn’t serve a purpose and that’s not to say that different forms of writing can’t serve their own purpose without having some grand meaning… but these were thoughts I figured I better keep private. Maybe with some polish they’ll see the light of day but for now, I’ll leave them where they are.

A few things have happened in the past few days that have impacted my ability to sleep through the night. They weren’t bad per se but they were thought provoking and took place in my evening right before bed. The first was a sauna infusion and ice bath class I did two nights ago. The sauna portion was great but standing outside in my bathing suit, mid-January with freezing temperatures and then willingly submerging myself into freezing water is not something I enjoy doing. I don’t even recognize the “mental tenacity” aspect of it. It’s just plain uncomfortable and unnecessary in my opinion (lol). We all held hands and sat down in the freezing water together as a group. It didn’t even occur to me that I was squeezing a strangers hand for two and half minutes. I was so cold and numb, even an hour afterwards that I found it hard to fall asleep since it spiked my cortisol prior and during. In the same night, my childhood best friend asked me to be her maid of honor. This gesture was completely unexpected to me and drudged up quite a few memories from long term storage. It also presented the issue that I would need to go home now, there was no way of getting around it. I’ve actively avoided any concrete plan of visiting and now the time has come where I have to show up somewhere. Perhaps it’s the kick in the pants I needed but it kept me awake staring at the ceiling, that’s for sure.

As I said before, life has been moving slowly but the time seems to be flying. I’m not sure if that makes sense but the two conflicting feelings seem to exist in parallel. Life felt so blurry and chaotic for so long and now I see my path very clearly. Every night when I’m laying in bed I think how lucky I am these days. I seriously take at least two minutes to express my gratitude privately to myself and do a little audit of my life and how well things are going. It’s almost hard to connect the events of 2023 to my life now but they exist and contributed to my current state. I have a sense of calm and reserve that I haven’t always had and for once, it’s coming from within. I’m not actively seeking external validation as I have in the past and I’m content with my time alone and routine. I think about a lot of things when I go for walks these days but it’s not focused on interpersonal issues or conflict. Now, I think about places I want to go, or things I’d like to learn, or how to say something in German. I’ve been taking tutoring classes for German and actually speaking the language and getting feedback has been so refreshing. I’m going at my own pace and I’m studying independently, too. I’ve submitted a request at work for bildungsurlaub (educational leave) so I can take a course and further my commitment to talking with my coworkers and getting to a comfortable place. Slowly but surely.

Right now I’m reading a novel and next, I plan to finish my book on the White Rose resistance group. I like to alternate between fiction and non-fiction or read them simultaneously. I also have a book that I bought almost two years ago in Munich that’s an analysis of Western German literature attempting to come to terms with the Holocaust and its impact on postwar West German society. Obviously this is a heavy one but I’ve been interested in this topic and have already done a bit of reading about Berlin and Germany during its days of division. I have many books sitting on my bookshelf that I can pick up at any time and I hope I can make a dent in them this year. I had a girl come stay with Russ while I traveled out of town a few months ago and she complimented me on my “library” and asked if she could stay a bit longer to finish one of my books. I was flattered that she started reading one over the weekend and enjoyed it so much that she had to finish it. She’s coming back to watch Russ in a few weeks and I hope she’ll appreciate the additions to the collection and find something interesting to pass the time.

I’m going to Italy next week and luckily, I also have a book for learning Italian! Honestly, it was a welcomed break from studying German and felt nostalgic to when I studied Italian in 2018. It’s such a fun language to learn and speak. It’s definitely the language I want to pursue once I have my footing in German. Isn’t it funny how it’s so much easier to learn a language you don’t need to know and it’s more fun to practice and speak? I have significantly less anxiety ordering a coffee in Italian than I do in German but I KNOW HOW TO IN GERMAN. This is a cruel reality.. lol

Anyway, ciao for now! Bis bald! Catch ya later.

Author: Li'l Kendie

lately

hangin around

pan

you’ve got mail

italian archives

ciao

hi

quixoticelixer

omie

dreams