Li’l Kendie – Page 31

so long pep pep

moving abroad | october 2022 | tennessee

I had a dream last night that I was at a big event and had to put my coat, keys, and wallet into a locker. Similar to the gym, I had to remember which locker number contained my things and then I needed to recall the combination I set for the lock. In this particular dream, there were 1,000 lockers and I didn’t take note of which locker held my things and I definitely didn’t remember the combination I set.

My dream consisted of me running through these long corridors and opening every single locker (or trying) and thinking of dozens of combinations to retrieve my items. I take dreams, at times, seriously—or at the very least, I try to decipher the origin or address what’s going on in my subconscious. Some of my dreams are nonsensical and I don’t pay much attention to those, but other times, I try to listen and dig deeper to the underlying messages. When I took a psychology course in college, we did an entire lesson on dreams and the symbolism that can exist. Some parts seemed like a stretch and others did make sense, even if I needed a roadmap to see how psychologists arrived at that conclusion.

When I looked up my dream about losing things and searching for them, the general theme seemed to be: a desire for something that is missing in your life. It could be a physical object, a person, or a feeling. It may also represent a need for direction or purpose. Hm… all of the above?? Not really but maybe a few.

Purpose

I can say that I’m not searching for a direction or purpose. I’m fairly content with my life as it stands right now. I’m establishing a routine that makes sense to me and fulfills me in a way that I haven’t been in quite some time. I also don’t focus on life purposes too much (anymore) because if I did, I would land myself into an inception-style parallel dream state reality where I’m having an ongoing existential crisis for the rest of my life. My purpose as of this exact moment is to work hard, slow down, be good to my dog Russell, show up for my friends and the people I love, and above all, continue trying to be the best person I can be—even if I haven’t been close to that in six months. I listened to a podcast interview with an author and psychologist who is exploring the quarter-life crisis which as it turns out, nearly every person I know is experiencing in some way. She mentioned that there are two types of people when it comes to this crisis: purpose/meaning people, and stable people. Those who are in the purpose/meaning camp know who they are and what they’re here for but they’re searching for stability. The stable people are the inverse as they are constantly searching for their purpose or meaning in life while having stability as their core function. I thought that was an interesting take.

Person

This is a tough one and a recurring theme of the past year. I miss my best friend and I search for him every day in the dark corridors of my brain. Similar to my dream, I feel as if I’m looking for him but I don’t know which locker he’s in or how to retrieve him. I don’t want to leave the venue without him and he can’t be replaced as my keys, wallet or coat could. So, I stay in this corridor, frantically running up and down doing everything in my power to find him. What a sad metaphor. Either way, this persona could be a few people but my guess is that it’s one in particular.

I don’t feel as lost as I did months prior. I don’t feel that I’m falling in an elevator shaft without control of the speed or that I’m running aimlessly through a corridor without any direction. I feel immense relief in the monotony of working, going to the same exercise classes, walking the same loops, or eating the same variations of food. Every morning when I wake up, I feel less sad than the day before. I look over to Russell who is sound asleep next to me and as he pushes himself into my legs to stretch, I ask him if he’s ready to start the day. We get up, I make his breakfast, then myself a coffee. We walk around the neighborhood and see the same people as we did the day before.

I know my purpose to some extent and now I’m fiercely seeking to maintain stability.

lil changes

virtue

I’ve become very aware that patience has not always been my strong suit and if I envied a trait in someone else, it would likely be this. The ability to wait patiently without feeling immense frustration is a beautiful thing. There are areas of my life where I exercise patience more than others. It also depends on my mood and general disposition but for the most part, it’s a skill that desperately needs attention.

I’ve been consuming a lot of information regarding slow living. I have always been drawn to this genre of lifestyle, cinema, and music. I recently watched a movie that I’d categorize as slow cinema. The movie was directed by a photographer (Wim Wenders) and that shows in the pacing and artistic style, in my opinion. It’s the best movie I’ve seen in a long time. I really dislike the notion that a movie has to entertain you from start to finish with intense dialogue, CGI, etc.

The movie was Perfect Days…for reference.

As I’ve been pondering the virtue of patience, I remembered an area where I exhibited none. I got into the idea of shooting film years ago and while I enjoyed it very much, I couldn’t fully commit to what it entailed. The idea of working yourself through a roll of film versus blowing through seemed like a foreign concept to me. The time allotted from when I dropped off my film to when I received the scans was excruciatingly long and painful. Why did I need this instant gratification from a hobby that was supposed to ground me in a slower, more intentional way of enjoying a hobby?

So, over the past year and a half, I’ve taken my time with a roll of film. I’ve taken 36 pictures with intentionality and plenty of time elapsed between the last… and finally, this weekend, I finished the roll. If I had waited this long to document my life, surely I could wait a little longer to have them developed. But as I went to take the film out of the camera, it malfunctioned and in one second, my roll was ruined and exposed to light. I don’t know if I’ll be able to save a single picture. Normally, this would devastate me. This time, I decided to take a few days to wait and let my emotions pass. Once they had, I’d reevaluate and try to problem solve… if there was a problem to be solved.

Today, I’ll take my camera to the shop and see what can be done. I won’t think about it every day until they email me but I’ll be prepared for either situation. I will choose not to ruminate and wish the time away until I have an answer regarding the situation. I have to apply this logic to multiple areas of life so I can have peace in my life again.

…I’ll report back about my film.

how lucky am i

memory drawer

Since I was a kid, I’ve always had a box, drawer, or folder that contained core memories. I feel a gravitational pull to that area of my room when I’m feeling sad or missing someone. Today, I opened the drawer and revisited many people and memories. My brother recently said, “just pressing delete on a person is so sad.” I couldn’t agree more and it’s the last thing I ever want to do. I never want it to come to that and I never really can. Even if situations change or communications halt, I can’t just erase a person from my mind or heart, even if it were easier or a better route to take out of self-protection.

So for now, I’ll visit that drawer and the people who are in it so I don’t erase them.