Author: Li'l Kendie

I know I need to be writing on a more consistent basis. . . My brother reminded me of that this morning. It’s cathartic and it makes me a stronger writer.

There are so many things I’m trying to balance right now and yet I’ve felt stuck in a functional freeze state since I got back from the U.S. At least I recognize this so I can work to combat its forces. There’s this low-grade depression that creeps in after an event such as going home that attempts to keep a strong hold on me. At times I’ve let it take me under but now I’m actively working to process the emotions I might have suppressed so I can move on from them.

This past weekend. . .

I felt inspired to tackle some monotonous tasks I’ve been putting off for quite some time. I rounded up all of Russell’s toys and dunked them in the bathtub with antibacterial detergent. I let them soak throughout the day while I washed his blankets and pillows in the same mixture. I took an armful of boxes that needed to be returned and another set of packages of old clothes I’d sold on the internet. I finally took the bag of clothes meant for donation in the back of my closet to a reciprocal.

It’s incredible how good all of those things made me feel. They’ve been sitting there waiting for action on my side and this is how I get myself back into an upward spiral.

I wasn’t feeling great socially but I kept my plans on Saturday night. I met up with a friend and had hummus at the shop down the street from my apartment. Afterwards, he came over and another friend joined to watch the UT vs. Georgia game. By this point, I was in a better social rhythm but nonetheless, I’m still feeling a bit off/rusty and need to recalibrate.

Sunday, I went to Vabali and switched off for a bit. I attempted to sweat out the bad energy I’ve been carrying around with me. I ordered a smoothie and a tea while I read my book. I was so comfortable and content in the lounge area that it resulted in me falling asleep for 15 minutes or so. My mind and body are tired, there’s no doubt about that.

I keep showing up for my runs and workouts. I keep going for walks with Russell and extending them at his desire. I’m eating good foods. I’m sleeping enough. I’m writing in my journal. I’m calling my dad every day.

I’m doing the best I can for now.

As of Friday, I’ll be on vacation for two weeks. Somehow this time of the year has become my annual two weeks off from work, mostly by coincidence. I’ll be leaving next week in a van and heading to the mountains with Russ. I’m bringing my camera with me so I’ll have a visual recap at some point. After spending some time in the mountains, I’ll go to Vienna for a few days. It’s on my wish list to get a new journal at Paper Republic. We’ll see. . .

The upcoming time off is much needed. The temperatures are dropping in Berlin which means we’re transitioning into my favorite time of the year. I can finally wear my sweatshirts and a jacket. Honestly, I’m built for a fall wardrobe. I love sweaters, corduroy, skirts with tights, hoodies, jean jackets, boots, you name it. I want to make soups and watch my favorite fall movies. I love running during this time of year, too.

I could go on and on. Now, I need to run to Ikea to get a new chair and a big ole candle. Maybe I’ll have dinner there too. I’ll report back.

August kind of wiped me out. . . I’ve been fighting to get back to a baseline where I can feel like I’m energized in some way but I’m just not there yet. I had so much stress and traveling last month that it’s been hard for me to get back into a rhythm and not feel like I’m nearing burn out. I think we’re headed in the right direction but unfortunately, it takes energy to move and I have very little to give.

I’m on an eight week running plan as of yesterday and that gives me purpose/structure. Luckily, I started off with an easy run and spent 45 minutes jogging around my neighborhood as the sun was setting. I love where I live and I feel proud to know my neighborhood so well. I don’t need directions or assistance so it makes running aimlessly even more enjoyable.

As I was running, I was listening to Bon Iver to help slow my pace down. He always reminds me of fall and drudges up some fond memories of mine. I’ve been in my head a lot since I got back from the U.S. and I have more to say about that, just not at this exact moment. I haven’t sorted it all out yet. I’ve avoided going home for so long for this exact reason. In summation, it’s just confirming that I don’t feel like I fully belong in either place—a truth I’ve known already but didn’t necessarily want to face. It’s not as binary as that when you get into the details but for the sake of brevity today, it is.

I think my mind is exhausted from talking about my nationality or where I come from or where I live now. When I’m here, we talk about America. When I’m home, we talk about Germany. My life has been somewhat defined by this fact and while I enjoy telling my friends on either side about how the other is, I just feel kind of tired. It’s like having the same conversation I’ve rehearsed in my head. . . but I always end up leaving the conversation with some sort of regret, hoping I didn’t misrepresent something or thinking they caught me on a day where I was feeling frustrated with one of the places and that shouldn’t be the overall impression.

It’s funny because I know I’ve changed since I got on a plane three years ago and came here but it was highlighted when I went home. My priorities have changed in so many ways, in the ways that I wanted them to change. I enjoyed the ease of conversing with people wherever I went and the ability to advocate for myself. I scoffed at high prices of groceries and questioned why everyone chose to drive short distances. I rolled my eyes at paying $10 for a Kölsch at a “German Beer Garden” in DC and thought of the one I could have at my Späti for 2 euros. I asked the bartender to make my bill $12 instead of $10 to which he looked at me like I was insane and told me to add the tip on the tip line which made me feel embarrassed. Of course this is how you tip someone in the U.S. but now it’s a force of habit to add it before like I do in Germany.

I felt mixed up and backwards until someone in line complimented my hat and said “Go Vols.” I felt comfortable and safe sitting in the pod of my dad’s house having a coffee across from him. I rode around with my dad in his jeep and stopped at Publix for meatless subs. I walked around the old neighborhood I used to live in. I looked at the balcony of my old apartment and saw they had a dog, too. I did the loop I used to do with Russell every day on my lunch break. I popped my head into the Irish bar where I used to play Monday beer trivia just to see how it looked after the remodel. I went into Trader Joe’s and grabbed a few snacks. It felt good to be there but also disoriented me how quickly I moved on from that feeling and how ready I was to be back at home, in Germany, in Berlin with Russ.

I’ll go into the details of the trip at a later date but I was constantly moving. I was in a car, on a motorcycle, or on a plane going to the next place. It felt like I saw people in 30 minute slots and had to move on to my next appointment. Will it always feel that way when I go home? It used to when I was in college. For someone who has such strong, nostalgic ties to their past, places and people, I have a strange ability to shut things off in my brain out of self-protection. I can detach myself emotionally from certain things in order to function. This is a subconscious habit and the conscious side of myself clings to these things so I won’t forget. But I never forget. I just pack it in a box, store it on a shelf and visit it when I can.

I’m where I’m supposed to be, of this I’m certain. I just need to give myself some time to feel the things I need to and recalibrate so I can get my energy back.

i feel like i’ve been hit by a bus lol

I finally watched La Haine. I started it on a random night in December and was so tired I couldn’t keep my eyes open past the opening credits. It’s always been on my mind.

I saw it in the kino last night which made it feel even more special.

I’m back in Germany and it continues to shock me that coming back here feels like returning home. I’ve been traveling since last week and I felt more exhausted than I have in quite some time. Let’s start from the beginning.

Karlsruhe

I was in Karlsruhe for a work event for the second year in a row. It’s a very odd event as it feels like camp. . . We’re all in the same hotel or rather a campus-style place. We eat in a cafeteria, there are places to socialize and have coffees but everything is centrally located within this hotel. Again, it feels like college or camp and you’re in one place with the same people for an extended period of time. To say my social battery was drained is an understatement. I was having conversations with people for 5 days non-stop with little alone time or breaks in-between. I did carve out time for myself by going for runs. One day I went for two runs in one day because I felt so drained socially and under utilized physically.

To my surprise, I had some interesting, deep conversations on that work trip. I caught up with people I hadn’t seen in a few months and they were (unsuspectingly) quite vulnerable with me. It was honestly a welcomed change of pace from the various rounds of small talk I was subjected to.

From the event last year, I feel that I have a much better handle on things now. I didn’t drink hardly at all, I worked until the late hours on various projects and most importantly, practicing for my talk. I went into an empty room with my colleague and spent hours rehearsing our presentation while I heard the rest of the people downstairs drinking and dancing. I was so nervous for this presentation and couldn’t enjoy myself until it was over. I haven’t given a presentation in a bit and this one was different in a few ways. I was holding a session on my expertise and educating a group of people on the impact of communication. I could talk about this in my sleep but for some reason, I’ve lost quite a bit of confidence when it comes to speaking or presenting professionally. I think I can credit this to a few experiences in more recent years where I wasn’t encouraged rather diminished and critiqued.

I gave my presentation and as soon as I started talking, the anxiety kind of melted away. I was prepared and felt that I had something valuable to say. Even with 100+ people in the room staring at me, it didn’t shake me quite like I thought it would. This was a significant moment for me—even better, a reminder of my capabilities. I don’t need to fall on a self-deprecating sword to “get ahead” of what someone might say about me (personally or professionally). I’m proud of myself for pushing through, even though it was kind uncomfortable to get to the other side.

France

After my presentation, I planned to go further south to visit France for my birthday. I had never been to France and this fact always surprised me. I love the language, I watch French movies and listen to French music and yet, I’d never made it there. I had plans at various times to go. I wonder what it would have been like to go then. Anyway, early on a Sunday morning, I packed my things and got on a bus headed towards Strasbourg. Once I got there, I found a spot to sit with a coffee and a baguette with butter and jam. I listened to the cathedrals bells ringing through the square and tried to remind myself I could relax now, I was on vacation.

To hear spoken French everywhere I went for three days was a nice break for my ears and mind. I mentioned a while ago I want to start learning French and now I do more than ever. The language is bittersweet to me but I won’t go into that right now. I decided I’d treat German like my core subject (math, science, etc.) and French as one of my fun electives. I don’t need it like I do German, but it’s so fun to learn and practice. I genuinely get excited thinking about it.

I was only in Strasbourg for an afternoon before taking a regional train further south to Colmar. I told my dad the city is so cute it makes me feel sick. Narrow sidewalks, colorful half-timbered houses, little canals and cafes all throughout the city. I drank wine from the Alsace region, I ate tarte flambée, I sat in the sun and went into little shops. I celebrated my birthday, too! I woke up that morning and went for a run around the city center. I went for breakfast and had a cute li’l stack of fruit pancakes. I visited a winery and did a white/sparkling wine tasting. I stopped into a grocery store and bought a nectarine for the walk home. I was so exhausted from my work trip but I think I made the best of it.

While I was having a coffee, a lady sat nearby started a conversation with me. She heard me speaking English and told me she was from London but moved to Colmar about 8 months ago. She was probably in her mid-60’s and had lived all over Europe for her job. She ultimately decided on France as her landing spot but to my surprise, doesn’t speak French. She goes to courses at the community center and is learning at her own pace. I don’t know why but this part of the conversation struck me. Most people in this age range wouldn’t be brave enough to a. move to another country and b. decide to learn the language at this point. Sometimes I’m so hard on myself with German despite taking courses, practicing, studying and listening to it more often than not. I don’t know, it kind of gave me hope that at that age, I could also be learning a new language or getting outside of my own self vs. surrendering to getting older.

I have more to say about the trip, my birthday and some thoughts I’ve been having recently but I’ll follow-up with them when I have more energy. It feels like summer time in Berlin, again. That makes me happy.

Look, we’ve entered Leo season and we’re rounding the corner to my favorite week of the year. . . my birthday week!

I don’t know why but I’ve always looked forward to my birthday despite the fact that there’s always a dark cloud surrounding the day. I won’t go as far to say that my birthday is cursed but historically, some not great things have happened in and around that time. Despite this, I retain a childlike optimism about celebrating my birthday and continue to plan for a nice day.

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed at work recently and I’m about to enter a marathon week of traveling and working. From Wednesday until Saturday evening, I’ll be working (and/or socializing) from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. I’m packing my running shoes so I can carve out early mornings to myself, as well as the book I’ve been reading for the train and the 20 minutes I get to myself before bed. After spending four days in Karlsruhe, I’ll feel that I’ve earned a day of rest and celebration.

I’m going to France for the first time! While it’s on the border and still feels German in many ways, I’m excited to just go. I booked a cute hotel in the city center and my only goal is to walk around, drink the regional wine and have something sweet to celebrate my birthday. I want to eat good food and sit in the sun. It feels like the calm before the storm. Later this month I’m going home and I’m genuinely looking forward to that. My dress is almost ready for my childhood best friend’s wedding. . . it’s starting to feel like I’m actually going. Carly and I got vouchers to go to SpaWorld and we’ll have an entire weekend to ourselves. I can’t wait to ride in my dad’s jeep with the top off and his little dog Tucker on my lap.

I’ll try to go home more often. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I want to see my family and my friends. I’m finally ready for it, I think. I’ll go home (aka to my mom’s condo in Florida) again in January to escape the German winter but that’s a story for another day.

Happy Leo Season!