Author: Li'l Kendie

Sometimes, more often than not, I wonder what people think of me. Not in a way that makes me insecure necessarily, but I do wonder what their impression of me is. I can’t tell the difference between the projections of myself and reality sometimes. I try to access how I feel around certain people and understand why that’s the case. Why do I feel confident and operate as my true self in the company of some, and in other cases, fall on a self-deprecating sword and signal I’m insecure or unsure of myself? I think about these things deeply when I’m sitting on a train or on a walk.

and then co-star heard my cries….

 

 No but really, I’m feeling more secure in myself than I have in a long time. From my writing, to work, style, routine, friend groups, relationship, etc. I have a stable core right now which allows me to be more explorative with these things and feel assured at the end of the day. I’ve fought my way out of a corner as to not feel the need for exterior validation. Of course it’s nice from time to time but it doesn’t dictate what I do or what I wear so much anymore.

I’ve been traveling for work this week and my social battery is empty. I’ve also been sitting under fluorescent lights for four days straight and it feels like my brain is melting. I’m looking forward to getting dinner at the train station and reading one of the books I downloaded for the ride back.

I’ll be back here regularly more often. I’m just trying to strike a balance with it all.

i’m in düsseldorf for work right now on a late night summer walk. i stopped in to get an ice cream at the gas station and put my spotify on shuffle. this song came on and reminded me of a carefree summer sixteen years ago.

a nice memory for once

and then a song comes on that i know i’ll be looping for the foreseeable future ~

i like movies about unusual connections

also: just standing in a kitchen eating a freezie pop, shooting the shit sounds nice

i keep having these vivid dreams. what do they mean?

Russell will be 10 years old this year and I gotta say, it’s making me feel all sorts of nostalgic and grateful. We went out for our morning walk today and I saw a not so nice dog trying to come say hi to Russ and instinctively my hand tightened on the leash to make an escape if needed. It got me thinking about how my one job above all else for all these years has been to protect him. My whole life revolves around keeping Russell happy and safe. What an honor it’s been and will continue to be.

I won’t make this the long post about Russell’s 10 year birthday because I’ll put some dedicated time and thought to that one. I’ll track down some Russell photos and pin stories from over the years that are highlight worthy to celebrate my guy. But in the meantime, I’ll say I walked with Russ this morning to the post office to grab my package. As soon as I got it from the front desk, he looked at me with an excited face and pulled me towards the door. He knew it was time to go back outside so he could explore. He’s excited to eat his same breakfast, go for the same walk or ride in the car as if it were for the first time. At night when I tell him it’s time for bed, he’ll go grab a toy of his choice (I’d love to know the criteria for what makes the cut) and he carries whomever he chooses into bed with him. He always drops the toy in front of the bed and jumps up. I lean down to grab his friend and put him under Russell’s head. After about 20 minutes or so, I’ll feel him take a big exhale and lay out fully while pressing into my legs.

I took him to the vet recently to have his shots and passport updated. He’ll be traveling to Austria in the fall. I can’t wait for him to see the mountains and countryside. He will be so happy to see his grandparents again. That thought alone makes me want to cry—actually I am crying as I write this so here we are.

My sweet Russell. The light of my life for a decade.

A quick note to say: Russell’s birthday is July 26 which falls on a Saturday this year. He will have a large birthday party at the park with an exclusive guest list. More details to follow. 

“how’d you know i was American”

“it was the denim”

look: i can’t fight who i am or where i come from, okay? i wear more denim than europeans and i have an affinity for it. not only that but i gotta say…it suits me better. (lol)

this is what i hear when i double up on the denim

and this is what i think i look like

this post was not sponsored by Levi’s