Author: Li'l Kendie

It’s Thursday aka the last day of my school week and I gotta say: I’m fried.

I’m halfway through my German intensive course and it’s starting to take a toll. Now, this isn’t to say I’m not enjoying myself because I am…but learning German 2.5 hours a day + working at my job + exercising in the evenings is kicking my ass. Despite balancing all of these things, I haven’t felt super productive which says a lot about how I view myself and my output. The other day I was saying I felt I hadn’t been doing much lately when I was reminded that I had walked Russ, worked in the morning, gone to German class, worked some more, gone for a spin class and now at 6:30pm was grocery shopping. Talk about a whopper of a day that even I couldn’t give myself credit for until it was pointed out by a third party.

My brain is feeling overloaded and that was to be expected. I will say I’m really enjoying my routine, though. Every day I wake up, walk Russ, make my coffee and yogurt bowl and then start my work day. Around 11:45am, I pull my pre-made salad out of the refrigerator, throw some olive oil and balsamic on top and eat it before packing my things for class. I walk to the u7 or ride my bike (es kommt daruf an) to Gneisenaustraße, buzz the door for my class and go down a steep flight of stairs into a tiny classroom tucked away in a basement. It’s like a little German learning dungeon (lol). It’s cute though and we have snacks and tea. There’s about five of us who consistently attend and I look forward to our break at exactly 1:30pm every day. It’s at that moment that I’ll pull eat my pre-washed apple and stand in the sun doing absolutely nothing for ten minutes.

And then I finish my class for the day, write down my homework and make my way back home. Sometimes I find myself walking through Kreuzberg for an extra 5-10 minutes to let myself come down from learning new information. I come home and log back onto work where I write for the rest of the day.

Rinse and repeat, Monday-Thursday.

My affinity for the German language waxes and wanes. When I’m making progress and holding conversations, I feel energized. When I’m staring at grammar tables and attempting to make sense of the German sentence structure, I feel less than enthused. I try to remind myself that it’s not a race. I have time to learn and absorb the information and I want to enjoy doing so. I know there will come a time where speaking German will be a big part of my life either in a work or personal context. As with anything in my life I’m learning that honing in on consistency is the only way I’ll achieve anything. Arguably, consistency has never been my strong suit but I do thrive in routine and structure (to some degree) so I’m trying to give things a fair shake before throwing in the towel.

I walked to Edeka last night and grabbed a bag of Katjes. My hope was that the sugar rush would propel me into a nice afternoon run and….mission accomplished. Despite feeling exhausted mentally, I knew I had some energy stored for movement. I put on my running shoes and headed towards the Tierpark. I listened to music without lyrics so I could let my mind wander and do what it needed to. As I ran through the park I saw all the flowers in bloom and people sitting in the open spaces with their blankets and books. It was such a nice afternoon—so much that it made me want to cry. I felt very thankful to live in such a nice place, have a job I enjoy, the ability to learn a new language and move my body (or in some cases, push it to the limit).

After this class concludes I’m transitioning into a softer era for a bit. Last week I competed in a Hyrox race and it was challenging and rewarding. It was a real test of my physical limits and looking back at the photos I can see how determined and strong I felt or rather had become. Since December, I’ve been doing Hyrox style workouts which put a strong emphasis on endurance. While I enjoy these workouts and the challenge, I’ve realized that I need to transition to a slower, less stressful circuit for a bit. I want to go for runs without worrying about my pace or distance. I want to incorporate more yoga, pilates and non-cortisol spiking exercises back into my routine. I have a fast resting heart rate as it is so I’m sure my body will be thankful for me catering to by listening to what it needs.

Anyway, I took this 15 minutes to jot this down as a way to feel like I’m clearing space in my head. Now it’s time to make another coffee and get back to work.

i need a tandem partner and maybe a nap

I woke up this morning and didn’t feel any dread about the week ahead. I laid in bed for five minutes after my alarm went off so I could spend some time with Russ. I laid there petting him and thinking about the day ahead and all the things I’d accomplish before 5pm. I was off last Thursday and Friday so I knew I’d have a few things to catch up on at work first thing. Most importantly, today is my first day of German intensive classes. I’m genuinely looking forward to it. After a break of about a month, I’m ready to be back in class with a consistent learning schedule for German. I’m also in the process of scheduling 1:1 sessions with my tutor to improve my weakest area of German: speaking.

This past weekend (a long one) was well spent. I went to the gym, laid in the sauna, took Russ on long walks while listening to Brian Eno and watched a good movie. I made a brief appearance at the Spargel festival in my neighborhood but opted for a vegetarian hot dog instead. Last night we ordered sushi, had cake and played Mario Kart to celebrate Isabel’s birthday. And finally, I made quite a dent in my book.

I’ve been reading and writing more than I have in a very long time. Most notably, my manic writing isn’t solely inspired by my despair but rather, I’m energized by the quietness of my mind and the accessibility to previously dormant creativity. Who knows what over two hours of daily intense German learning will do to said creativity but for now, I’m riding the wave. I have many drafts waiting to be polished and published. I love the feeling of being on a walk or riding my bike and having an idea for an essay that I have to keep saying aloud or jotting down in my notes on my phone. Maybe it sounds silly but that feeling of inspiration makes me feel alive.

I’ll be back but for now, here are some photos from the weekend to sum it up:

I was at the gym last night and I put on a 90’s playlist. As I was nearing the end of my workout Zombie by The Cranberries made an appearance. Normally I would have skipped this song given the environment but I let it play through. The link I have to The Cranberries is kind of funny because it mostly reminds me of one of my oldest friend, Jen’s stepdad. He gave me his used Razor phone and the ringtone was Linger (lol).

Anyway, I was listening to this song last night and it reminded me of being a sophomore in high school. I couldn’t drive yet but my friends were starting to. I can vividly remember “discovering” bands like The Cranberries and playing them in the car while my friends chauffeured me around. When I was listening to this song last night I thought about my two best friends from high school Jen and Jo. I thought about the three of us driving around together or spending 3-4 consecutive nights together. I remembered the summers we spent by Jo’s pool or watching movies in her movie room. I thought about throwing on a tshirt or pair of shorts over my bathing suit to run to get food at McDonald’s or something similar. And the three of us riding in the car listening to music with the windows down in the summertime. I can’t think of my childhood/teenage years without thinking of the two of them.

Jen’s getting married soon. I’ll stand next to her on her wedding day and celebrate her. It’s something we’ve talked about since we were kids. When she asked me, I said yes without hesitation. Then I realized it meant I’d have to go home to visit and that gave me pause. I haven’t actively wanted to plan a trip home. I don’t know why but also I kind of do. I’ve said it a lot, even on this blog but I’ve completely severed my brain from my life here and the one back home. I don’t want to go home and realize my brother has actually died. I don’t want to pull down the driveway to my grandparents house and be hit with the realization that my grandma won’t be there to greet me at the door. Nearly three years have passed since I was home and a lot has happened, naturally. Not all of it being bad but change nonetheless.

Jen met someone new and got engaged. Jo had her third child. Carly has a new boyfriend I’ve never met. My dad moved to a new house. So on and so forth.

I won’t make some big sweeping announcement about going home (other than here) because my time will be limited and I’ll be spread thin. I want to wake up in Carly’s apartment and have a coffee with her. I want to see my dad’s dog running at me in a full sprint and jump into my arms. I want to hug my dad again. I can’t wait to stand on Adam’s parent’s back porch and hear the birds or sit at the counter with his mom and eat grapes from the bowl that always has a vine of them. Honestly, I can’t wait to go to Target. I’m looking forward to celebrating one of my oldest friends and bearing witness to the start of a new chapter for her.

Long story short, I’m getting my ticket and I’ll be home in late August. Home of the free, land of the brave…land that I love!!

Whew I’ve gotta say, social media feels like a blackhole where my brain activity goes to die (at least these days). I realized how numb and unmotivated I felt when I was constantly watching videos about what people ate in a day or seeing a constant stream of videos of fit checks in various cities. I came to the conclusion that the majority of my time and thinking was dedicated to turning my brain off or thinking about things I needed to buy which as a result, made me feel miserable. Who would have thought?

Anyway, for now I’ve deactivated my Instagram and we’ll see how this goes. I have an intensive German class coming up next week and some projects at work I need to be focusing on during the day.

This morning I woke up, showered and took Russ on a nice walk. I read while I ate breakfast and drank my coffee. It’s been a long time since I had a Monday morning where I felt refreshed or energized for the day/week ahead. I can also attribute this burst of energy to working a three day week last week and again this week. It certainly plays a role. But now with this energy, I’ve had time to write on my substack and start a new book. Speaking of my substack, if you don’t already, give it a look! It’s a different vibe and that’s intentional. I came up with the name “Foreign Concept” on a walk with a friend over a year ago when I was brainstorming a new writing project. I’m glad I wrote it down and followed through on it.

I have more thoughts and things to say but for now, I’ll get back to work and write a longer piece here later. I have some things I need to write about and it feels good to have the mental space to do so.

I love May in Germany because it’s the month with the most public holidays. This year, they all fell on a Thursday so I took the Fridays off, too. I work like one full week this month and it rules.

I have some projects I’m working on right now before my intensive class starts up in two weeks. I need flowers for my balcony for starters. I just ordered a new shelf to make a little coffee station next to my kitchen table and a reading corner is in the works. I’m still debating going the distance… aka painting an accent wall in the bedroom. We’ll see how motivated I feel after tackling a few of these projects. It’s always this time of year I start to feel the energy and will to live reintroduce itself to my central nervous system. Sunshine and good weather can do that I suppose.

May Day is tomorrow and it’s an interesting day in Berlin but also kind of stressful. There are important demonstrations taking place but I prefer to lay low and not partake in the crowds or parties. This year I’ll probably take Russ over to the forest or go for a run instead. I used to feel this mandate to partake in social events or parties to be a part of the mix and as time goes on, I don’t feel that pull. In fact, I feel it but in the other direction. This time last year Adam and I went to watch the Euros at a fan zone near the Bundestag and I got crushed in-between two huge guys and couldn’t breathe. Adam had to grab my hand and wiggle me free before I had a panic attack. We got into the watch party and my cortisol had already spiked and the thought of standing in line for a beer or the bathroom felt exhausting. I just wanted to go home by that point.

But not this year! No, we’re doing things differently. Taking the days slower, doing what makes me feel good and enjoying time off. What a revelation. The weather will be perfect today-Friday and that alone is enough for me.

I have a consultation call with a Hypnotherapist. Look, I’ve been wanting to do it for years and I thought, it’s time.

I’ve always wanted to wipe certain things from my brain Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style but I understand that’s not how life works. There are, however, certain events and topics that I seem to subconsciously punish myself with and I’d rather find a way through it than sit with them indefinitely. I think I’ve punished myself enough and it’s time to fully move on and heal from certain events (if possible).

Learning how the brain works, memories, etc. is one of the most fascinating topics to me. I’m interested in intrinsic motivations, human behavior and relationships. I think of these things all the time when talking with my friends about their problems or observing choices made by those close to me or even strangers. I apply this same filter to myself and question my own choices in certain situations. I’ve done some things that I would consider out of character but with time and distance, I understand myself in those moments better.

And so, I don’t know what will come of it but I’m open to the experience. Omie, my grandmother, went through hypnosis at one point in her life. She used it as a tool to quit smoking. She was always open-minded about things and spiritual at her core. I found her spiritual nature and openness comforting. When she was grieving or struggling, she turned to support groups and nature. She used music as therapy and explored alternative methods for healing both physically and mentally.

In any case, I’ll report back.

me

I hope these letters aren’t sent out on my behalf.. lol