Author: Li'l Kendie

I need to be writing but life has been happening and I haven’t been tethered to my desk. I have a few minutes so I wanted to jot down some thoughts while they’re top of mind.

I read a journal entry I wrote exactly one year ago today. I wrote it to myself in the future and asked where we ended up. At the time I wrote it (April 24, 2024) I had just started a new job, was single and happily living in Berlin. Things had finally leveled out and spring was coming. Spring 2023 was a bust for the most part and I thoroughly enjoyed it last year in comparison. In my post I wrote about running and wondered if in a year I’d still be running as often. Spoiler: I am! I just got a new pair of running shoes and I’m looking forward to testing them out this evening at Tempelhoferfeld.

This past year was special. I met new people, reconnected with others and sadly had to part ways with a few. Even when things were settled this time last year, I wasn’t exactly trusting the process. I was open to whatever would happen but I wasn’t expecting anything in particular. Some of my favorite nights of last spring were the ones I spent alone. I’d take Russ on a long walk or make dinner and watch a movie. I planted flowers and lit candles. I did things to make it feel nice to be home. I went for runs and met with friends. But on the whole, things felt lighter and hopeful again.

I just opened the windows in my living room next to my desk. I walked over to the film shop during my lunch break with Russ to get my film developed from Mallorca. I have a movie I want to watch either tonight or tomorrow. It’s in French, of course. I always gravitate towards movies in French and spent the past two years watching quite a few on Kanopy. I still need to finish La Haine. I haven’t been able to bring myself to revisit it. I fell asleep in the beginning and yeah, anyway a memory for another day. I’m beginning my journey to passively learn French this spring/summer. I wanted to learn a language that wasn’t mandatory and unrelated to German. I really enjoy the language learning process but German feels like school and another language can be a reprieve for now. I love French so we’ll see how it goes. I’m going to France (for the first time) for my birthday, too! A good goal to have, I suppose.

This song has been on a loop for me the past few days. I’m not ashamed to admit it: I love Bon Iver. His version of I can’t make you love me is one of my favorite covers of all time. I burnt it out in 2014 when I was going through a low season (lol).

more on this later but for now…

a photo recap~

Last week I was in a bit of a slump both mentally and physically. For some reason I fell into this depressive state after the half marathon. I had so much anxiety leading up to the race and then I just felt tired and demotivated afterwards. I wasn’t in a good mood and I didn’t have the energy to exercise for five days which made it worse. Anyway, that changed this weekend and I felt back to myself and reenergized.

I have a habit of looking at the memories that pop up in my photos from this time last year. In April 2024, I was running often and just started my new job. I was doing the same things to welcome the spring season into my house including buying fresh flowers, going for longer walks, buying new clothes for warmer weather, etc. I was really starting to hit my stride last spring and it got me thinking about the changing of the seasons. I take the seasons very seriously and see the value in each of them.

My dad sent this text exactly one year ago and I think about it often. He’s always been supportive of me but since I moved abroad, he’s been sweet to me like this. Emerging from winter, I feel this way all over again. I wasn’t down in the same sense but I certainly was feeling the winter blues in Germany. This morning I took Russ for our normal walk and the sun was shining and it was already warm outside. Good Lord, this shift in climate revives my will to live. It makes me want to spend all my time outside or out of the house. I’ll go for a run at lunch and a yoga class tonight. Over the weekend I walked 20-25k steps a day, went to flea markets, saw friends, exercised and was exhausted by Sunday evening. To quote my text above, “i’m back baby!”

I’ve thought a lot about my dip in mood after the race. I’ve journaled about it and worked my way to the other side of it. I’m working a short week with the holiday and come Thursday night, Adam and I are off to Mallorca. We rented a car and I’m looking forward to bringing a few rolls of film, having coffees outside and spending time together in a new place. This weekend as we were walking around we kept verbalizing how thankful we were for everything in our lives right now and how nice our days were this weekend. We have these little rituals and they’ve been in place for as long as I can remember. We wake up on Saturday mornings and have our coffee while talking about all sorts of things or watching a show together. Then we finish our first (or second) cup of coffee and take Russ on a walk around the neighborhood. It’s my favorite activity of the week.

Spring has sprung!!

i love this song and album. it reminds me of being in Italy in the summer of 2018

Tuesday is probably one of my least favorite days of the week but yesterday was nice. I took Russ on our morning loop and the weather was sunny and warm. I was productive at work and wrote a lot. I opened the windows and put on nice music. I made a vegetarian wrap for lunch and wrote in my journal. Adam came home from his haircut appointment with two little cups in his hand, one for me and one for Russ. He stopped on the way to get us ice cream. I took Russ on a mid-afternoon walk and called my best friend. I finished work and then I decided to put on an audiobook and clean the house.

I started the Artist’s Way and I don’t know how I’ve waited until now to start it. It’s been recommended to me a million times but I’ve just stayed away from doing good things for myself at times where it would have been helpful. That’s not the case anymore. I’m actively seeking out things that will help me feel energized mentally and physically. One of the main things that’s help me in the last six months was eliminating drinking. I hardly drink alcohol and I’ve never felt better as a result.

As I was listening to my book and cleaning the house, I was thinking about how cleaning always realigns me. When I organize my house or take care of my space, I immediately feel better and mentally clearer. I cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, vacuumed the floors, mopped, wiped down the windows and mirrors, dusted, and put things away. Afterwards, Adam and I took Russ to the park and let him off his leash. He walked around sniffing things and chased a few birds. We sat down on a bench and I put my head on Adam’s shoulder and he put his head on top of mine. It wasn’t cold outside but chilly and sunny. We stopped by the grocery store and I grabbed a few things, including a treat for Russ. I saw him through the window at the check out line and I showed him the treat. His tail started wagging and he was waiting patiently for me to come towards him.

As I was walking home I was thinking about how nice midweek days can be. Sometimes Adam and I joke when we want to do something like order takeout, stay up late or go to a mid-week concert, we’ll remind ourselves that we’re adults and we can do whatever we want. It’s a funny and liberating reminder that we can make the most of our free time and should more often.

To an above average Tuesday or as we’d say, a green day.

I don’t check my mail very often because I only get a few things a week—mostly spam. Yesterday when I opened my mailbox, a handful of discount sushi flyers came spilling out and hidden in the back was a colorful letter addressed to me. It was a letter from my friend Sara and I was so excited to sit down and read it this morning.

Whenever I have a letter, I always savor it. I want to make a cup of coffee and have an uninterrupted reading experience. I’ve said it a million times but I love getting mail. It’s one of the most thoughtful gestures, in my opinion. To know someone sat down and hand wrote you a letter and took the time to mail it to wherever you are is so special. I’ve been slacking in sending letters to people back home and I need to make some time to do that this week or next. Since moving, I’ve become worse at texting or keeping up with that communication. I feel overwhelmed by the mediums in which people can contact me (WhatsApp, Instagram, iMessage, Facebook, Slack, email, etc.) and I’m always lagging behind.

I’ve been feeling off and I think I wrote about this recently. Not every conversation I have needs to be core shaking but I’ve found that a lot of my socializing has been surface level or revolving around topics that don’t relate to me so much anymore. Reading the letter this morning, it was a breath of fresh air to hear from my good friend about how she’s really feeling. We’re celebrating 10 years of friendship as of this spring and that’s hard for me to believe. I have so many wonderful friendships that date back to different eras of my life and I’m thankful they’ve stood the test of time.

A good friend of mine FaceTimed me the other day to tell me about a dream he had. I was in the dream so that prompted him to call me and tell me all the details of this bizarre dream encounter. It’s always nice to hear from him and one unique quality he has is the ability to make me feel as if no time has passed since our last call. We haven’t seen each other in person in years, we sporadically keep in touch but I know he’s there for me and vice versa. We can jump on the phone without a second thought and resume right where we left off. When we were on the phone I was about to head out to a spin class with two of my other friends. He laughed and called me “a people hoarder” and said I’ve always been this way. That comment or label, rather, got me thinking…

I have so many different friends from various eras of my life. I still keep in contact with people from high school, college, old jobs, internships, etc. I’ve made friends in unlikely ways (i.e. on cruise ships, the internet, dating, proximity, etc.) and they stick. I’ve always made a habit of nurturing my relationships but now as I’m getting older, I’m more selective of the ones I tend to. Not all friendships are worth keeping at full capacity and some are meant to serve a purpose or be present for a phase of life. I’ve come to terms with that more now than I have in the past.

When I was talking to that friend the other night, I thought about my friendship with him and how far back it spans. We met when I had just turned 18 and started working at a restaurant/brewery. He was older than me and a nice person to talk to. We worked together on the slow mid-week night shift and made each other laugh. We’d spend the next few years in and out of each other’s lives, always reconnecting and talking for hours. It’s comforting to know someone for that long, nearly half my life and still have a line of communication with them. He’s seen me through many walks of life. I’ve watched him fall in love with his now wife and become a father to two kids. We’ve come a long way since we were kids ourselves. I can still remember sitting on the floor of my college apartment building furniture together wondering what he was going to do with his life. To see it come full circle into what it is now is something special.

Now I feel more motivated to get more stationary and write some letters. It’s time!

If you want one, let me know ~

I’m sore and tired but it makes sense because I ran in the Berlin Half Marathon yesterday! It was a nice day, all things considered. The sun was shining but it was windy and cold most of the day. I was more prepared for this race than I was the last one but for some reason I had a lot of anxiety about it? It was immediately gone when I crossed the finish line and came home.

I listened to my music and enjoyed running through the city where I live. I love Berlin. It made me emotional to run past the famous landmarks and most importantly, seeing my friends on the side of the streets cheering for me. As I got closer to the 11km mark, nearly halfway, I knew I’d round the corner to see Adam, Ryan, Isabel and the guest of honor, Russell. Isabel raised Russ up so I’d see him and I darted over to him so I could kiss his face as I ran by. Then I kept running through my neighborhood, onto Potsdamer Platz, knowing I’d see more friends at the 15km mark. I ripped open a cherry gel and trotted along listening to music.

I was starting to lose steam and knew the distance between 15-19km would be tough. And then my friend Peter jumped into the race and ran with me. We talked and caught up about things that had happened in the past week while I was gone and we just had fun. It helped quite a bit and was nice to take it easy and just have fun in that stretch of the race.

And then finally, I sprinted towards the end and ran through the BrandenburgerTor and finished the race. Adam was waiting at the finish with a donut and a big hug. He bundled me up in his sweatshirt and jacket because I was so cold and tired. He was so proud of me and for some reason that made me want to cry. He’s always so supportive of things I want to try and he always encourages me along the way. He was at the last race I did and knowing he was there to watch really helped me get through that experience. We’re doing a Hyrox race together next month and I’m really looking forward to it. We’ve been exercising together for a long time but training for Hyrox since January. We complement each other so well in that sport.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who was so nice about the race and sent messages of support. It meant a lot to me. For now, I don’t think I’ll do another race. The thing I love about running is that it’s individual. It’s a place where I can clear my head and be alone while moving my body. I don’t like pressure surrounding the topic, even if it’s self inflicted. I just want to be alone and listen to a book, podcast or music while being outside.

 

It isn’t on my mind every day or even a conscious thought at times but I know I’m feeling homesick these days. More than anything, it feels like life back home is moving on without me and I’m missing the big moments. I talked to my dad the other day on the phone and started crying as soon as I said it out loud.

“I haven’t seen you in two years, Dad.” 

My best friend from high school just had her third baby. I haven’t met 2/3 of her children. My best friend is dating someone new and it’s getting serious. It will be nearly six months until I meet that person. Nothing is how I left it and I’d be stupid to think as much. I want my friends and family to go on with their lives but it’s a painful realization that I’m not there to be a part of it.

It’s always a sacrifice to live far away and I lived close to everyone and everything for a long time. I had this responsibility to be nearby when Omie was alive. It wasn’t her requirement, it was mine. I couldn’t stand the thought of being far from her and not visiting her frequently. It gave me purpose and anchored me to a location. And since she died, I’ve lived further and further away from home.

There is an irony to the fact that I’m following her trajectory. She moved countries and built a life on another continent. We just switched the scenarios and now I’m back to where she came from. It’s a passing thought because I can’t give it more attention than that but I often wonder what she would think of me living in Germany. I think she would be proud and impressed. I hope so.

I’ve become accustomed to my life here and I enjoy it a lot. But sometimes I find myself gravitating towards TV shows, books, food, people or music that remind me of home. Sometimes on my lunchtime walks I daydream about being home and riding the motorcycle with Adam. Or I think about showing up at my Dad’s on a Saturday morning with a cup of coffee—something I used to do while I was in college. Sometimes I’d drive from Knoxville to his house just to go see a matinee movie together.

I know I do these posts on an unofficial quarterly basis but what is my website if not rambling on about my thoughts and inner dialogue?

I’m going home in August. I’m having conflicted feelings about it but mostly, I’m looking forward to it. I want to go to Trader Joe’s and get snacks. I want to have an Olipop. I want to have Mexican food and bagels. I want to see my friends and my family. I want to go for walks. I want to see my dad’s animals. I want to bring home multiple rolls of film and capture the moments and people I miss. I want to watch one of my oldest friends get married and celebrate with her. I want to drive with the windows down.

Anyway, that’s how I feel on a gloomy Berlin day.