Category: Posts

i feel like my brain is defrosting. more on this later though

one of my favorite fictional characters

this is me and Russ lol

Do you remember the feeling of catching a movie when it was already halfway in on TV? What a beautiful, nostalgic feeling it is to only watch half or 1/3 of a movie. For some reason, HBO has started doing this and I love it. Last night I wasn’t in the mood to commit to anything and I saw they had Mystic Pizza on with 40 minutes left so I jumped on that opportunity.

While I was watching the movie, I started crying which felt ridiculous. Maybe I’m just in the feels recently but seeing New England during the fall, reminiscing on the feeling of working a part-time job with your friends, so on and so forth nearly knocked the wind out of me. I’ve actually visited Mystic, Connecticut and it’s cute. Mystic Pizza is in fact a real place but apparently the pizza is awful (lol).

proof that i’ve visited Mystic!!

Anyway, while I was watching the movie last night I couldn’t help but laugh and point out how ridiculous some of the things taking place in this movie were, as is with any movie from that time. I should also put a disclaimer here to say this isn’t a criticism but more of me showing my respect to the outlandish storylines that appear in 80s/90s romcoms. The fact that Daisy gets irate seeing her boyfriend, a guy she’s been seeing for like two weeks, with another girl which prompts her to dump two containers of fishy sludge water into his Porsche…is insane?? Also, the girl is his sister… lol. His response is like “you gave it full effort and I respect that” and then they hug. In a side plot, Jojo only fools around with Bill and obviously has commitment issues. He drags her by naming his boat “Nympho” in her honor and laughs at her with his friends. Then she steals his truck and they break up, then they get married. All the while, the youngest Kat is listening to Mozart and making out with a 30 year old who’s the father of the little girl she babysits…his wife is also meant to be 30 but looks north of 45. Throughout it all, people in the town love that ‘za and can’t figure out what the mystery spices are. A classic!!

To the point: picking up a movie in the middle is a thing of the past and I’m glad I got to relive that experience again last night. Sisterhood, small town New England, a lil pizza joint, Julia Roberts and a great soundtrack. What more do you need?

don’t think about it too much too much

don’t think about it too much too much

too much too much too much too much too much too much

i’m officially registered in Berlin as of today

2 years later lol

yesterday wasn’t the best day, mentally speaking. i stood in my kitchen and looked out the window while listening to music on full blast. i smeared some peanut butter on a rice cake and stared out into the dark back lot of my apartment while seeing my faint reflection in the shadow. i felt stuck yesterday but i can’t quite explain why. i would go to sit down and pop right back up, put my shoes on and take Russ outside. i looped the neighborhood and walked aimlessly while attempting to sort through my thoughts. nothing is wrong and nothing has happened necessarily, it was just one of those days. the dips come and they go.

i’ve been on a 90’s rock rotation recently. this genre of music makes me happy/nostalgic but definitely contributes to a weird headspace. this period of time reminds me of my brother, Jeb. i miss him a lot and i don’t know what to do with the emotions and grief i carry surrounding that topic. i feel very alone with it. death and loss make people uncomfortable, naturally so. my family has a very odd way of handling this topic and focuses on the wrong aspects of it, in my opinion. over the summer, my therapist gave me space to talk about Jeb and recount memories. nobody has really ever asked me to do that or taken that approach. when i left the office i felt like i was 100 pounds lighter. i want to remember him and talk about him. i don’t want to hide him in the corners of my brain to keep myself safe.

i think i need a change of scenery for a minute. i’m looking forward to going to Italy this weekend for an escape from Germany. i love Germany but i need a kleine pause from the darkness, cold and gray. i want to eat pasta, drink espresso, sit next to the sea and read my book. i want to take my film camera and just walk around—one of life’s greatest pleasures. i almost forgot how much i enjoy a day in a new place with my camera. i let that get away from me for a bit when i first got to Germany.

i’ve finally found my way back to myself, i think. i read once that you can’t exactly do that because you’re always evolving and changing. an author (and therapist) said you can’t go into the closet and find the old jacket, in this case, your sense of self, and put it back on because that doesn’t exist. to some degree, i disagree with that sentiment. sure, i’ve grown and altered myself over time but there is a base line i tend to make my way back to, especially as it pertains to the things i enjoy or where i find peace. there are integral parts of me that have always in some way existed and alone time, journaling, taking photos or exercise have been a constant that i look to when i’m needing something to hold onto. anyway, i’m looking forward to visiting a new city and sharing what i see with you.

i’ve been hanginaround ~

“You know that place between sleep and awake, that place where you still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you. That’s where I’ll be waiting.”

a place where i’m still visited by people i love who are no longer here.

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: receiving mail is one of my favorite things. seeing a friend or family member’s hand writing on the envelope makes me want to cry.

today i opened my mailbox to find a surprise letter from my friend, Maira. they sent me a little new year’s zine of their goals for this year and updates. i miss them.

time to re-order international stamps!