Category: Posts

i would do just about anything to get another call from her

A friend wrote me a letter and told me she was in a creative/writing rut. Sometimes or rather most times, my best writing comes from a place of depression or despair. Fortunately, I don’t find myself in that place as of now. Funny enough, when we worked together at a previous job, we joked that our best podcast episodes (we hosted a psychology podcast) were about anxiety, depression or something heavy. The shorter, less popular episodes had to do with positivity or gratitude. Interesting…

In the spirit of this, I went to a yoga class in Mitte on Saturday and started crying during Shavasana. I was supposed to meet a friend for this class but I got the day wrong so I found myself there for 75 minutes alone, which was actually pretty nice. As I laid there attempting to lay still, I thought about how this was the perfect Saturday. I had woken up, put on a sweatshirt and my bomber jacket over top, had a cup of coffee and walked Russ around the block on a crisp 60 degree fall morning. Afterwards, I grabbed my yoga mat and took off for my 10:15 class. I laid there and felt so grateful for my favorite season coming, the stillness of this day and the privilege to live in such a cool city. I took an audit of the life I’ve worked hard to build over the past year, the friendships I’ve invested in and how far I’ve come with taking responsibility for my actions and where my life was headed. When the class was finished, I drank a little cup of warm ginger tea and decided where I’d go next.

I rode the tram, which I rarely do, but always enjoy. I like looking out the window at the neighborhoods above ground at a slower speed. I don’t find myself in Prenzlauerberg super often or that side of town so riding the tram in itself is an activity for me. Anywho, I was riding along the streets of Berlin when I found myself facing a woman who had bright red hair with gray roots and a big grin plastered on her face. She started speaking to me in German and luckily I could respond to her basic questions which included, “how are you?” “where are you from” and then we switched the English when it got more complex. She told me she’s lived in Berlin for 53 years and speaks seven languages. She asked if I had mediterranean ancestry because I had an olive skin tone (??) and told me which cities in America she enjoyed the most. I don’t have conversations like this very often in Germany because the culture doesn’t thrive on small talk and even if they did, I can’t keep up confidently in German once it takes a deeper turn. As she was getting off the tram, she told me she was 85 years old. She yelled “in five years, I’ll be 90! can you believe that?!” and she carefully stepped down off the tram, waving to me at the window until the tram sped away.

I stopped at a small coffee shop and got one to go. My phone was about to die so I couldn’t listen to music and that was okay, too. I walked around the neighborhood with my little coffee, enjoying the perfect weather on a beautiful Saturday. I like spending my days like this. I enjoy keeping plans free and not overwhelming myself for the sake of being busy. I get really overwhelmed by making decisions or having lots of things to do out of obligation. What do I even want to be doing? <<– is what I find myself asking when my calendar fills up too quickly. I’m in control of my own life and it took me 32 years to realize that.

I bought two new books while I was visiting Prague. I want to start reading them since I finally finished Norwegian Wood. Towards the end, that one started to hit home more than I could handle. I think I subconsciously put off finishing that book because I was scared of what was waiting for me at the end. On a similar note, I need new music to listen to so if you have anything, please send it my way. I miss sharing music with people, especially the ones who sent me songs that I’d listen to 500 times because they knew I’d like it.

I’ll bring my book along with me for a work trip tomorrow. I’m heading to Cologne for a few days. It’s been a while since the last time I was in Cologne. Maybe I’ll write about that at some point but for now, I’d rather not revisit that memory in my vault. I actually have really fond memories of my times there. One thing I’ll say from my second trip there was: I remember visiting my old office for the first time. I got to meet all my colleagues in real life and I was nervous but excited. Everyone got an uber to go back to the hotel and three of us opted for a walk after the long workday. Our little group walked back together for 20 minutes and laughed the whole time. I felt comfortable and happy. I remember that feeling well.

I digress. See you soon, Köln~

 

i really want a cool letter opener… like an antique one that’s engraved or something.

i got two letters today from dear friends back home. i can’t wait to read them.

I called my brother and said “guess where I was today?” to which he immediately replied “Berghain.” He was joking and I wasn’t.

My friend Peter wanted to go see a DJ (Phase Fatale) on a Sunday. Usually Sundays are easier to get in since it’s mostly locals. I didn’t anticipate getting in and we had a plan b in place which was to get brunch and sit in the sun after we got the inevitable “heute leider nicht” at the door.

We queued for an hour and watched groups of people get sent on their way. Finally, we got to the door. The bouncer looked us up and down and gave a “ah what the hell” kind of shrug and motioned us inside. Peter and I looked at each other in disbelief and went through.

I don’t really know how to describe the experience but it was even cooler than everyone had told me. It looks like a club/bunker from the underworld. Candles lined the bar since the inside is eternally dark. I grabbed a radler and went to the dance floor. I danced and had my head on a swivel. While I was waiting at the bar, a guy asked me if I was a well-known German climate activist (lol).

To be fair, we do kind of look alike.

Peter and I found a cube and sat down with a water and took in our surroundings. Once we left, my eyes had to readjust to the bright sunny day that existed outside of the bunker walls.

I came home, walked Russ, made something to eat and settled in for the night.

i wish it wasn’t like this

rest in peace to my sweet grandmother, Bo.

i wish i was home to be with my dad.

i’m missing birthdays, weddings, babies being born, funerals, vacations, holidays. life is going on without me at home and years are passing by.

i can’t connect my two lives and sometimes i feel insane.

i get the text “wish you were here” often and i send the same in return. i do wish i was there or they were here. i feel guilty for missing big events. i feel cowardly that i haven’t faced going home. i’ll never see my grandma or brother again and i thought i would. i don’t know how to process these things sometimes.

i’ve been listening to a book about love, friendship and family. some of my connections have strengthened with distance and others have faded away. to the ones who make an effort, i appreciate you more than you know. i need to do the same.

(on this note, i need more international stamps to write to you guys!!)

an ode to the people i wish i was with, too. thank you for expressing that emotion to me when you feel it.