Category: Posts

i’m laying in bed listening to Alanis Morissette lol

I’ve had some sticky thoughts, you could say. I haven’t been able to sleep well in about two weeks and neither has Russ. I’ve been waking up in the morning, drinking a big glass of water and writing in my journal. Today, I read a few pages from my book to help sort my thoughts out. My favorite moments in life are when my brain goes radio silent and for a moment I can sit in stillness and start fresh again.

I had such a lovely weekend. On Friday, my brother and I went for a long walk around the neighborhood. Afterwards, we watched The Pick of Destiny and made macaroni and cheese (lol) and it was really nice. Saturday, I went to get my haircut then had brunch with Lars and his friend group. Together, we all went to Rave the Planet and danced in the street for hours. Afterwards, we sat along the spree and drank water and watched the sunset. I walked home from the party and it was a nice way to decompress from the chaos and crowds. I got into bed with my windows open and could hear everyone on the street out and about on their Saturday nights. Russ rolled over and laid up against my legs and I thought how lucky I am to have everything I do in my life. I feel guilty for being unable to see that so clearly at times but depression can make those realizations cloudy to say the least.

On Sunday morning, I woke up early and made my way to the living room. Waking up early on a weekend is a treat, in my opinion. Sometimes when I’m awake with my cup of coffee, I feel like the only person in the world who’s up and about. I get some of my best thinking done during this time. I cracked the windows open and could hear the church bells ringing accompanied by a cool morning breeze. About five minutes later, I heard the sound of little paws making their way to where I was. Russ jumped up on the couch next to me and quickly fell asleep again. Fall is coming and I can feel it. It’s my favorite time of year and I truly look forward to it every time it comes around.

And so, I stared at the ceiling thinking about the sticky thoughts in my brain. I’ve tried to get better about letting them come and addressing the recurring ones or at least finding a way through them. As I looked around my apartment, I found myself in an all too familiar depression hole. I had let the dishes pile up, the trash needed taking out and my clean clothes were sitting folded in a chair. I decided I would put some classical music on and light a candle. Then, I popped up and got to work. I spent the morning taking care of my space and working through some complex thoughts while roughly mapping out my day. Ultimately I decided I needed a day to myself to reset and relax after a very social weekend.

I had a conversation with someone the other day where they asked me what made me an introvert. I confidently explained that I’m an introvert because I require alone time to recharge and feel my best self again. They rebutted, “but what if you’re with the right people? don’t they give you energy?” to which I replied, “yes, of course. however, in order for me to truly feel re-energized, I need to connect with myself and be alone.” This particular Sunday was a great example of that. I was craving alone time to think, read or go for walks. For a period of time, I was scared to be alone and that made me sad because for most of my life, being alone has brought me a great sense or comfort or security. I feel that way again and I didn’t think that I would.

As the night went on, I started to think about my space and style. Someone awhile ago made a comment about one of my favorite pieces in my house: my bookshelf. They said it was essentially a tribute to my grandmother but didn’t have my own style anywhere on the shelves. At the time, I wanted to impress this person or be more like them and I thought of all the ways I could make my apartment more scandi, beige or minimal. Big coffee table books about architecture, more neutral tones, less tchotchkes or sentimental souvenirs. Yes, that would be how I’d design my apartment and space. Clean, minimal and devoid of any personality. I leaned into this, too. I was fully prepared to revamp my space and make it into something of a catalogue. This is all to say, I was drifting far away from myself in more ways than one.

The thing is: I love that my apartment feels like Omie’s house. I feel there is no greater compliment than someone feeling comfortable in your space and telling you so. I want people to feel safe when they’re here with Russell and I. I have spent my entire life living in a house where I didn’t feel comfortable. My goal was always to create a place where I didn’t want to leave and where people would visit me and feel the same. I have been so fortunate to have people in my life that have created safe spaces both physically and metaphorically for me that I wanted to provide that comfort to someone as well. So as I was enjoying my calm Sunday, I got a text from my neighbor Isabel who was in distress as she has family visiting. I told her to pop downstairs if she could and we could talk. I made her a tea and told her how uncomfortable it can feel for me too, sometimes. As an adult, I’ve always felt very estranged from my family and typically lived far away.

While all of this may sound nonsensical it has a point. My therapist has encouraged me to make a home inside of myself and find a way to provide security and warmth. While I’ve done this with my apartment, I’m trying to do this internally, too. I’m trying to make it feel comfortable and secure within the confines of my own mind and emotions. I can’t rely on others or require reassurance to feel safe. It certainly helps but it has to start with me and this is where I’m fighting my way to feel unstuck.

As I write this, I’ve made my second cup of coffee. It’s a Monday morning and it’s slightly chilly outside. I’m listening to a non-lyrical playlist and I have the windows open. I’m sitting at my writing desk in my room looking at all the photos and postcards from the people I love the most on the wall. In just a month, my best friend, Carly, will be here for three weeks. In two months, I’ll be reunited with her parents and host them in my space.

Fall is near~

 

this is one of my favorite movie scores. i listen to it often and the film is just as beautiful.

I wrote in my journal this morning and set intentions for my next little journey around the sun. For me, 31 was like being thrown into the deep end of the pool with zero idea of how to swim but quickly realizing I inherently knew how to tread water. And despite feeling like my legs or arms could give out at any minute, somehow I kept moving.

For my own records, I’m writing this as a way to hold myself accountable for the things I’d like to work towards and accomplish. In this next year of life, I want to continue taking steps forward in various areas. When I was 25, I set out to live abroad by 30 and I did that. Now, I’m looking at the next year and what I want out of my life. It’s such a gift to be able to look at things in this way and I don’t take that for granted.

Physical and Mental Strength

I have never felt stronger in both areas. I want to continue strengthening my body and mind. I want to continue learning German at a pace that’s sustainable. I want to keep exercising and pushing my body to healthy limits that enable growth and progress. I want to try new things that encourage strength, flexibility or openness in both my physical and mental state. I want to keep going to therapy and learning about why I am the way I am—take that however you’d like. I want to work on my photography and writing. I want to become more secure in myself and my decision making. I want to practice patience and stillness in moments where I could otherwise be reactive or angry. I want to continue going to yoga weekly and sitting with uncomfortable thoughts and literally in uncomfortable physical positions. The mental connection there is really something if you let yourself be vulnerable.

Community

I am luckier than most in the small but mighty community I’ve built for myself in another country. The security and love I feel from those around me here is unlike anything I’ve felt in any place I’ve lived as an adult so far. I know that if I needed help, I have people who would come to my aid. I run into friends in town and see others regularly for dinner, a coffee or a walk. I want to continue pouring love and attention into these relationships and build new connections as well. Berlin feels like home to me and I want to continue laying down roots here to feel deeply connected to the place and people. I want to be involved in activities and groups that support this.

Adventures Near and Far

I’d like to say I’ve been a hermit for the past year but it simply isn’t true. Sometimes I have this intense guilt for living abroad and not making the most of it with spontaneous weekend trips but the fact is, I live here and I have time. I also have a dog who grounds me in one place and for that, I’m actually thankful. It forces me to slow down and be present at home where I may have otherwise fled and tried to get out of my environment instead. Over the past year I went to Budapest, Tenerife, Cologne, Munich, Dresden, Düsseldorf, Karlsruhe, Hamburg, Lüneburg, Rhodes, St. Maarten, Zurich, etc. And so as I list these places, it’s a soft reminder to myself to feel appreciative for the places I visited vs. regret over the places I didn’t. And soon, I’ll go to Prague and Vienna. I can’t wait.

I want to take a big trip this year. I want to go to Japan. Sometimes I sit and watch videos of the trains in Japan or ones of the countryside. I watch the videos of the small, neon lit alleyways with the sounds of the city on a loop. I fantasize about going to the hot springs or seeing the forests. I’ve always felt drawn to visiting Japan and I’d really like to make that happen.

In the meantime, though, I want to enjoy Europe. I’ve never been to France or Spain. These are things I could easily make happen within the next year and I hope I will.

Setting Boundaries

This will be an ongoing one for the rest of my life, I assume. I’ve made big strides with setting boundaries in the past year and it’s made my life so much easier despite the discomfort on the front end. I have to keep setting these limits around my time, capacity and the way I can show up in peoples lives. My relationships and friendships have improved because of this and that’s the totem I need to carry in my pocket when I start to lose my way.

I read books and I journal about this. I’m also trying to respect other people and their boundaries better, too. I want to understand how I can show up to my friends lives in a way that’s healthy and constructive. It goes both ways.

Time with Russ

Russell and I have had a year of intense bonding and reliance on one another. What would I do without my angel of a dog? Spending time with him and slowing down has been such a gift. I’ve taken him to so many new places over the last year. I’ve walked hundreds of miles and had one-sided conversations with him. He’s 9 years old now and I want to ensure I spend real quality time with him outside of my normal duty and obligation. I’ve set time aside where I lay with him and take a nap on the weekend. Or I dedicate a night to staying in and watching a movie, just the two of us. Or I bring him along to the ice cream shop down the street so he can have a whipped cream cup and I sit with him on the steps, my ice cream melting in my hand while he enjoys his treat. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I want to be mindful of the time we spend together and make him feel like I make time for the two of us to be with each other, too. Some of the best days of this year have been sitting somewhere with Russell.

And last….

I just want to keep connecting to myself in the deepest way possible. I’ve learned so much about myself in the last year through hard truths and quiet moments. I’ve listened to hours and hours of music. I’ve cried my eyes out. I’ve gone for walks. I’ve written until my hand was cramping and demanded a break. I’ve read books. I’ve listened to podcasts. I’ve watched movies. I’ve altered my style to align closer to who I feel I am. I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I’ve made a lot of progress.

And so, I enter my new age and another year only hoping to continue developing and learning from those around me. At least now I can do so in a way that feels constructive and healing.

Here’s to zweiunddreißig, I guess~

and they say her heart grew three sizes that day

i am eternally grateful to everyone who made this birthday special. i was in need of some light and a celebration of life.