Category: Posts

Today, I ran my first half marathon! I didn’t stop once and I kept a good pace throughout. I had so much support from my family and friends and it felt very symbolic to cross the finish line knowing I could do hard things if I endured some discomfort.

I took the 13 miles as a representation of a very hard, life-changing 13 months of my life. A good friend sent me a voice memo wishing me luck and said how far I had come over the past year but more specifically the past few months. I take pride in that progress because it’s been brutal but again, necessary and life altering.

As an aside, while I was waiting in the sea of 13,000 people to start running, I looked behind me and saw a familiar face. We both did a double take and gave each other a hug. My friend Lilith was also there and starting in the same wave! What are the odds?? It felt like a nice nod from the universe.

My dad and Carly woke up at 3am their time to track me in real time and send me messages to tell me they were cheering for me. I’ll never understand how I got so lucky.

I missed my train back to Berlin. Now, I’ll watch a movie and eat some snacks. I’m exhausted.

on repeat

It is such a mysterious place, the land of  tears.”

Maybe I’m just feeling nostalgic these days but right now but I’m walking through Alexanderplatz which is essentially a sewer. I avoid transferring through here at all costs because it’s massive, gross and touristy. Today my route led me here so I’ll try to take my negative feelings about this place and channel them into some good memories instead. How’s that for reframing?

When I was walking through the SBahn portion of the station, I remembered running frantically through these halls on the morning of the Berlin marathon in September. I was here to meet my best friend, Carly, who flew over an entire ocean to see me. She didn’t have cell phone service and there wasn’t a way to get in touch with her. I remember standing on a random platform looking all around when a train moved and there she was. This moment lives in the core memories. The relief and joy I felt to see her standing there… a feeling I can’t even put into words.

And a few months later, Peter would turn 36. His birthday is on Valentine’s Day and I find that to be adorable. I woke up early that morning and brought him donuts and we celebrated another year of Peter! He had to go to work so I rode the u2 with him to Alexanderplatz. On his own birthday, he snuck into a flower shop and bought me a little flower plant for Valentine’s Day. This was a small but mighty gesture that exhibited compassion in a vulnerable moment (for me). 

Alexanderplatz: a piss soaked underground bunker filled with decent memories after all.

I rented and ebook from the library and sent it to my kindle. When I turned on my kindle, the date was October 24, 2022. I haven’t used it since the day I moved to Germany and this realization sent me into a tailspin of sorts.

Later that night, I was with my friend Peter when I randomly started crying. I finally said it out loud, the words and feelings I’ve been avoiding for nearly two years…

“I’m homesick.”

He’s encouraged me to go home for nearly six months. Even he could tell I was homesick but pushing the feelings down. He knows what it’s like to feel this way and feel disconnected from friends and the familiar. It’s time I finally face this reality and make plans to go home.

One of the hardest things for me is waiting to talk to any of my closest friends until nearly 3pm my time. Nobody is awake until my day is nearly over. The time zone isn’t impossible but I feel it in the mornings and mid-day. It makes me feel the distance more than usual.

I miss my friends. I miss my Dad. I miss Tennessee in the fall. I miss motorcycle rides in the spring. I miss living two blocks away from my best friend. I miss driving in my car.

I miss home.

this song makes me simultaneously happy and sad