Category: Posts

It is such a mysterious place, the land of  tears.”

Maybe I’m just feeling nostalgic these days but right now but I’m walking through Alexanderplatz which is essentially a sewer. I avoid transferring through here at all costs because it’s massive, gross and touristy. Today my route led me here so I’ll try to take my negative feelings about this place and channel them into some good memories instead. How’s that for reframing?

When I was walking through the SBahn portion of the station, I remembered running frantically through these halls on the morning of the Berlin marathon in September. I was here to meet my best friend, Carly, who flew over an entire ocean to see me. She didn’t have cell phone service and there wasn’t a way to get in touch with her. I remember standing on a random platform looking all around when a train moved and there she was. This moment lives in the core memories. The relief and joy I felt to see her standing there… a feeling I can’t even put into words.

And a few months later, Peter would turn 36. His birthday is on Valentine’s Day and I find that to be adorable. I woke up early that morning and brought him donuts and we celebrated another year of Peter! He had to go to work so I rode the u2 with him to Alexanderplatz. On his own birthday, he snuck into a flower shop and bought me a little flower plant for Valentine’s Day. This was a small but mighty gesture that exhibited compassion in a vulnerable moment (for me). 

Alexanderplatz: a piss soaked underground bunker filled with decent memories after all.

I rented and ebook from the library and sent it to my kindle. When I turned on my kindle, the date was October 24, 2022. I haven’t used it since the day I moved to Germany and this realization sent me into a tailspin of sorts.

Later that night, I was with my friend Peter when I randomly started crying. I finally said it out loud, the words and feelings I’ve been avoiding for nearly two years…

“I’m homesick.”

He’s encouraged me to go home for nearly six months. Even he could tell I was homesick but pushing the feelings down. He knows what it’s like to feel this way and feel disconnected from friends and the familiar. It’s time I finally face this reality and make plans to go home.

One of the hardest things for me is waiting to talk to any of my closest friends until nearly 3pm my time. Nobody is awake until my day is nearly over. The time zone isn’t impossible but I feel it in the mornings and mid-day. It makes me feel the distance more than usual.

I miss my friends. I miss my Dad. I miss Tennessee in the fall. I miss motorcycle rides in the spring. I miss living two blocks away from my best friend. I miss driving in my car.

I miss home.

this song makes me simultaneously happy and sad

I have more to say about this but for now I’ll just say I had one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long time. I felt like myself. I laughed and smiled for three days straight. I thought about people, memories and stories I haven’t thought about in quite some time. I felt like I was home. I’ve missed home.

I’ve learned a lot in a years time. I think about the pain I’ve felt and the pain I’ve caused every day. Some of it I can’t make right but I wish I could. You’ll never know how badly I wish I could.

on rotation