Category: Posts

i don’t want to cry in public anymore

yesterday, someone asked me how long i’ve had Russ and my response was: his whole life, we’ve grown up together. i’ve never really thought about it like that but it’s true.

I’ve been fairly silent here and in other places for a little while. I haven’t had the desire to say much despite my brain processing thoughts and information at a rate that would send me into a nervous breakdown if I wasn’t careful.

Creativity has been sorely lacking in my life for a bit. I really enjoy writing, creating things, taking photos, making collages, etc. And for some reason, my execution has plummeted. To be honest, I think there were a few areas that needed attention first that fall into a more logical/pragmatic camp and I have a hard time marrying the two in my head. So, here I am, writing down my thoughts in an attempt to get them out of my head and onto paper so to say.

I had the first real creative ideas I’ve had in months within the past two weeks which signals to me that I’m feeling better. I’m emerging from an excruciatingly dark season of life and feeling inspired to create things which in my view, is a real gift. I usually create things, connect to people, or at the least, draft essays I’ll never publish. And now, the time has come to get back to myself, or at least a new version where I’m continuously shedding old skin and becoming a new person with higher self-esteem, more critical introspection, less fear, and better boundaries around my time and feelings.

I hope through my creativity, these things show in little ways. More to come on that later, though.

I have an entire essay drafted about my trip to Budapest and maybe at some point I’ll polish and publish it. But for now, I’ll leave you with a few half-frame 35mm photos from my long weekend there with my very good friend who happens to be Hungarian. 

On a parting note, the two of us live in Berlin, or rather, Germany—a country where neither of us is from or speaks the language. When we flew back to Berlin from Budapest, the pilot welcomed everyone to the city and said “And to those of you returning, welcome home.”  I’m very grateful to this particular friend for playing a big part in making Berlin feel like my actual home. I’m also grateful to him for showing me where he feels most at home. 

Szia!

you’re not like other people, you do what you want to