Category: Posts

you have been hurting so much

i need you to breathe again

currently 

Last night, I went to the first ballet class I’ve been to in 15 years!! It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time but it’s been hard to find the right time and class… maybe also the courage? I have a very complicated relationship with ballet or rather dance in general. I grew up as a dancer which surprises many people. I spent every weeknight of my life in a dance studio from 5-9:30 pm and nearly every weekend traveling to competitions or workshops. I did my homework in between classes, made some of my best friends at the studio, and logged many hours at the bar or on the marble floor. I don’t know that I would have chosen to be a dancer but that was all I knew for most of my life. If given the choice, I most likely would have chosen soccer or volleyball. Oh well!

I liked dancing and was okay at it for the most part. I had favorite genres (tap, jazz, and modern) but ballet was a constant and almost any dancer had to take ballet or technique. I took many, many hours of ballet as a child and teenager. I would liken a ballet class to a Catholic mass in the sense that you’re comforted by the traditional order of things. You could take a ballet class almost anywhere in the world and know what to expect and I find comfort in that fact alone. This leads me to last night…

I don’t know if I’ve been passively avoidant about engaging with dance again but as I was walking on a late January night to the dance studio, I was thinking quite a bit about my relationship with the subject. It was exactly 14 years ago that I “put in my notice” so to speak for dancing. I was 16 and I decided on a random night in January that I would never return to the dance studio. Something I had put so much effort and dedication into was done just like that. There’s a longer, darker story to be told here but to summarize, I was grieving and couldn’t fathom doing anything that would bring me joy for the foreseeable future. I lost my best friend in a car accident in early January of 2009 and I was never the same.

I missed dancing and my friends at the studio but I actively blocked that out of my mind for years. I accepted the unceremonious ending to my one passion without question or deep thought/introspection. Looking back now, I can tell the grief I had for ending my relationship with dancing showed up in different areas of my life for years. All of this to say, to be able to reconnect to something I once loved very much was incredibly healing. I was amazed at how natural it felt to be in a dance studio late on a Wednesday night with 30 other girls, stretching my body in a way that is equal parts familiar and foreign now.

I’d like to go back and I think I will. Honestly, I’m just proud of myself for making it through the threshold of the studio and letting myself enjoy something I love without any expectations.

some of the highlights

I’ve never been too hip on new year’s resolutions but I’ll be damned if I didn’t set some intentions going into this next year. I’ve been a little quiet here and that’s because I’ve been busy reconnecting to myself and really just living in general. I’ve been doing things that make me feel good and keep pushing me forward. In between all of that, in the downtime, I also did some reflecting on 2023 while simultaneously looking forward to 2024. I won’t bore you with my 2023 revelations but I can summarize them to this: one foot in front of the other, onward and upward.

I made three lists on my phone yesterday which include books I’ve read, movies I’ve watched, and places I’ve seen in 2024. I’ve never been great at recording these things and I get to the end of the year and wonder what the hell I did for the last 365 days. I have things planned already in all three categories so I figured it would be fun and motivating to keep active lists and see what I experience in this upcoming year. And on this note, let’s talk a little about the intentions for the year for accountability sake.

• Finish the books on my shelf and then some
• See new places
• Be active!!
• Fuel the body, heal the mind
• Go to the movies regularly and experience new theaters in Berlin
• Learn a new skill
• Pour love and effort into my friendships

It’s not extensive or original but I’m trying really hard to make the most of my time. I feel like I wasted many months feeling stuck and depressed. I want to keep the ball rolling in a manner of speaking. To elaborate on the above, I finished my first book of 2024 today! I’m in the process of booking my first trip of 2024 to a place I’ve never been at the end of this month. I did a yoga class last night and I have a ballet class scheduled tonight! Also, I signed up for a half marathon in March.. uh oh. I’m drinking a protein shake and a glass of electrolytes as I write this so I’m on track for fueling my body… Tomorrow, I’ll see A Triangle of Sadness with an intro and panel by the director for Swedish Film Month at the Babylon in Berlin. I’m in the process of looking into cooking classes, collage art, intro to sculptures, etc. for Feb. or March. And most importantly, I’m trying to position myself as a source of stability and serve as a constant for my friends—a role I haven’t been able to fulfill for quite some time.

All of this to say, I’ve worked hard (despite my self-deprecating comments and self-view at times) to be exactly where I am. I will never stop expressing my gratitude and disbelief for the life I’ve carved out for myself despite an excruciatingly difficult six months. I live on another continent, surrounded by international people, amongst some of the most famous landmarks in the world. I can’t squander this opportunity going into the new year. Now, it’s time to accept and embrace the life I’ve created here.

Onward and upward.

I feel like a car idling outside the house waiting to take a big trip.