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I’m back in Germany and it continues to shock me that coming back here feels like returning home. I’ve been traveling since last week and I felt more exhausted than I have in quite some time. Let’s start from the beginning.

Karlsruhe

I was in Karlsruhe for a work event for the second year in a row. It’s a very odd event as it feels like camp. . . We’re all in the same hotel or rather a campus-style place. We eat in a cafeteria, there are places to socialize and have coffees but everything is centrally located within this hotel. Again, it feels like college or camp and you’re in one place with the same people for an extended period of time. To say my social battery was drained is an understatement. I was having conversations with people for 5 days non-stop with little alone time or breaks in-between. I did carve out time for myself by going for runs. One day I went for two runs in one day because I felt so drained socially and under utilized physically.

To my surprise, I had some interesting, deep conversations on that work trip. I caught up with people I hadn’t seen in a few months and they were (unsuspectingly) quite vulnerable with me. It was honestly a welcomed change of pace from the various rounds of small talk I was subjected to.

From the event last year, I feel that I have a much better handle on things now. I didn’t drink hardly at all, I worked until the late hours on various projects and most importantly, practicing for my talk. I went into an empty room with my colleague and spent hours rehearsing our presentation while I heard the rest of the people downstairs drinking and dancing. I was so nervous for this presentation and couldn’t enjoy myself until it was over. I haven’t given a presentation in a bit and this one was different in a few ways. I was holding a session on my expertise and educating a group of people on the impact of communication. I could talk about this in my sleep but for some reason, I’ve lost quite a bit of confidence when it comes to speaking or presenting professionally. I think I can credit this to a few experiences in more recent years where I wasn’t encouraged rather diminished and critiqued.

I gave my presentation and as soon as I started talking, the anxiety kind of melted away. I was prepared and felt that I had something valuable to say. Even with 100+ people in the room staring at me, it didn’t shake me quite like I thought it would. This was a significant moment for me—even better, a reminder of my capabilities. I don’t need to fall on a self-deprecating sword to “get ahead” of what someone might say about me (personally or professionally). I’m proud of myself for pushing through, even though it was kind uncomfortable to get to the other side.

France

After my presentation, I planned to go further south to visit France for my birthday. I had never been to France and this fact always surprised me. I love the language, I watch French movies and listen to French music and yet, I’d never made it there. I had plans at various times to go. I wonder what it would have been like to go then. Anyway, early on a Sunday morning, I packed my things and got on a bus headed towards Strasbourg. Once I got there, I found a spot to sit with a coffee and a baguette with butter and jam. I listened to the cathedrals bells ringing through the square and tried to remind myself I could relax now, I was on vacation.

To hear spoken French everywhere I went for three days was a nice break for my ears and mind. I mentioned a while ago I want to start learning French and now I do more than ever. The language is bittersweet to me but I won’t go into that right now. I decided I’d treat German like my core subject (math, science, etc.) and French as one of my fun electives. I don’t need it like I do German, but it’s so fun to learn and practice. I genuinely get excited thinking about it.

I was only in Strasbourg for an afternoon before taking a regional train further south to Colmar. I told my dad the city is so cute it makes me feel sick. Narrow sidewalks, colorful half-timbered houses, little canals and cafes all throughout the city. I drank wine from the Alsace region, I ate tarte flambée, I sat in the sun and went into little shops. I celebrated my birthday, too! I woke up that morning and went for a run around the city center. I went for breakfast and had a cute li’l stack of fruit pancakes. I visited a winery and did a white/sparkling wine tasting. I stopped into a grocery store and bought a nectarine for the walk home. I was so exhausted from my work trip but I think I made the best of it.

While I was having a coffee, a lady sat nearby started a conversation with me. She heard me speaking English and told me she was from London but moved to Colmar about 8 months ago. She was probably in her mid-60’s and had lived all over Europe for her job. She ultimately decided on France as her landing spot but to my surprise, doesn’t speak French. She goes to courses at the community center and is learning at her own pace. I don’t know why but this part of the conversation struck me. Most people in this age range wouldn’t be brave enough to a. move to another country and b. decide to learn the language at this point. Sometimes I’m so hard on myself with German despite taking courses, practicing, studying and listening to it more often than not. I don’t know, it kind of gave me hope that at that age, I could also be learning a new language or getting outside of my own self vs. surrendering to getting older.

I have more to say about the trip, my birthday and some thoughts I’ve been having recently but I’ll follow-up with them when I have more energy. It feels like summer time in Berlin, again. That makes me happy.

Look, we’ve entered Leo season and we’re rounding the corner to my favorite week of the year. . . my birthday week!

I don’t know why but I’ve always looked forward to my birthday despite the fact that there’s always a dark cloud surrounding the day. I won’t go as far to say that my birthday is cursed but historically, some not great things have happened in and around that time. Despite this, I retain a childlike optimism about celebrating my birthday and continue to plan for a nice day.

I’ve been feeling a little overwhelmed at work recently and I’m about to enter a marathon week of traveling and working. From Wednesday until Saturday evening, I’ll be working (and/or socializing) from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. I’m packing my running shoes so I can carve out early mornings to myself, as well as the book I’ve been reading for the train and the 20 minutes I get to myself before bed. After spending four days in Karlsruhe, I’ll feel that I’ve earned a day of rest and celebration.

I’m going to France for the first time! While it’s on the border and still feels German in many ways, I’m excited to just go. I booked a cute hotel in the city center and my only goal is to walk around, drink the regional wine and have something sweet to celebrate my birthday. I want to eat good food and sit in the sun. It feels like the calm before the storm. Later this month I’m going home and I’m genuinely looking forward to that. My dress is almost ready for my childhood best friend’s wedding. . . it’s starting to feel like I’m actually going. Carly and I got vouchers to go to SpaWorld and we’ll have an entire weekend to ourselves. I can’t wait to ride in my dad’s jeep with the top off and his little dog Tucker on my lap.

I’ll try to go home more often. I don’t want to ignore it anymore. I want to see my family and my friends. I’m finally ready for it, I think. I’ll go home (aka to my mom’s condo in Florida) again in January to escape the German winter but that’s a story for another day.

Happy Leo Season!

my favorite kind of night in Berlin. eating pizza outside, going to the movies and riding a bike home.

i saw Frances Ha, a movie i haven’t seen in years. i had a radler and popcorn. i got to spend time with my friend who i haven’t seen in a while. we celebrated two years of knowing each other.

every time i listen to this song i’m transported back to like 2006 when they used this in the OC.

a simpler time lol

I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about the lack of “summer-y” weather in Berlin. . . but I gotta say: I’m done with that. Today, I took Russ on his normal morning loop and it felt like a late September/early October kind of weather. It’s chilly but the sun is out. There’s a breeze and I don’t know, it made me really happy. It’s my favorite kind of weather and wearing a sweatshirt and feeling comfortable outside is something I look forward to at the end of every summer.

I started asking myself why I was so fixated on the lack of blistering heat. I don’t particularly love when it’s hot, hot but it tells me where we are in the year. I’ve mentioned this before but I very much need four distinct seasons in order to feel like each block of months has been in its rightful place. I think that’s why when the weather is feeling more fall-ish, it makes the months blur together for me.

I was looking through my pictures today trying to find something in particular. Somehow I ended up on fall 2020 and it was like a gut punch. We drove from California to Tennessee with Russell so we could visit our families. It took us four days and we traveled through Lake Tahoe, Reno, Salt Lake City, parts of Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri and finally, Tennessee. It was a nice drive despite it taking four days. I mean at this point of the pandemic, there really wasn’t much to do anyway. I spent time with my dad and stayed at my grandma’s house. I worked remotely from the “pod” aka the room/loft above my grandparent’s garage. I opened the door on the balcony that’s right off the office portion of the pod and had the chilly air circulating through the screen door. From that vantage point, you can see horses next door, a small wooded area at the bottom of the hill and the mountains in the far distance. It’s peaceful up there.

I had stocked up on pumpkin items at Trader Joe’s and brought them along with me. I had pumpkin coffees in the morning with my dad and on my lunch break, I’d sit with him and my grandma and have sandwiches together. At night, my dad made a bonfire and we roasted veggie hot dogs and made s’mores. Sometimes thinking about this stuff makes my chest hurt. It’s like longing for something that doesn’t exist anymore because well, it doesn’t. I can never get that back but that’s life I guess.

Later in my visit, I stayed with Adam’s parents in Knoxville. We decided we’d go all out for Halloween. We decorated the house, we made spooky cocktails, fall snacks, a big pot of chili and cardboard gravestones. My dad came to visit because he loves Halloween. We handed out candy to the little neighborhood kids in their cute costumes. These are the things I really miss about home—the fall season, specifically. I’ve gone to “Halloween” parties in Berlin but they aren’t the same.

Last year I was here alone so I watched the Halloween episodes of my favorite shows (I was on a Boy Meets World kick) and I lit my spooky candles, made some chili and laid on the couch with Russ. Maybe this year I’ll throw a party, I don’t know. But the point is, I was thinking about this time and how nice it was. How the pandemic, despite feeling hopeless and miserable, also resulted in some of my favorite memories.

I’ll be home soon. 

Photos from the archive of fall 2020~

i went for a long run yesterday. the weather was nice and i had the energy, so why not?

9 miles or for my euro friends 14.5 kilometers!

it felt really nice to be outside, listening to a podcast and moving my body. i need to be in good running shape since this will be my primary form of exercise with all the traveling coming up in the next two months. auf geht’s!