Category: Posts

“What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously.”

This book has been on my mind lately.

–

Song of the week.

from the archives: a horrible summer with a few people and days that made it much lighter.

to the people who spent time with me that summer, it meant everything to me.

i have a lot more to say about this time and particularly this summer. it haunts me in many ways and i have to live with a lot of regret. it needed to happen and i experienced a lot of firsts… but i still wish it could have been different. i guess it’s not productive to explore that thought too much. 

to be continued ~

i did my German tutoring session today and didn’t feel like an idiot. there’s hope for me lol

I’ve been thinking a lot about how reductive my thinking can be at times and how I actively try to work against it. It’s a knee jerk reaction to feel definitive about something one way or the other. A few years back, I saw a therapist and she pointed out I might be exhibiting perfectionist tendencies. This was quite a shock to me because I’ve never considered myself to fall anywhere close to a perfectionist. In fact, my life at that point felt very messy and nothing I was doing felt close to striving for perfection. Perhaps a blindspot in my knowledge around the topic, but over the course of several months she explained to me in detail what perfectionist tendencies look like and it revealed how wrong I was about the definition of a perfectionist.

One of the main takeaways from our time together was the idea of “all or nothing” thinking. She detected in stories I told her or feelings I was having about a person, situation, etc. that I would immediately reduce the person or experience to one of two camps. I left little room for any nuance or gray area. She asked me to imagine an encounter with someone and instead of saying it went well or poorly, to imagine a middle which indicated it was fine and neither good nor bad. Then, she said to imagine mid-points on both sides that say it was not good but not bad/horrible and the same for good but not great/fantastic. By adding these points on the imaginary rating scale in my head, I started to realize how reductive I had been in my thinking or analysis of things I was experiencing.

It feels like the default or lazy thing to do. I can tie this into a thought I had yesterday which was: I hate rating things at all. I can come to a conclusion on whether or not I liked a meal, or a movie but I don’t want to take the extra steps in assigning it a certain rating from 1-10 or 3 stars, etc. This way of thinking kind of sends my brain into a temporary overload and I begin to malfunction. Honestly, I don’t care that much about how good something was anymore but rather if I liked it or not overall. For this reason, I don’t like sharing recommendations with people for restaurants, movies or music hardly anymore. If I do share something with someone, I always slap the big disclaimer on it that I enjoyed it, but that’s all I can really say. The most I can do is refer back to that scale in my head and check-in when necessary to evaluate my feelings on a topic.

When my mind feels bogged down or foggy, I feel myself drift back into this line of thinking—a state of categorizing things as simply good or bad. My brain, on a bad day, feels like an overloaded mail room sorting envelopes into bins. I wonder why that is? Decision fatigue has always plagued me and perhaps making a decision about how I feel about something is all in the same. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to fight against that habit and keep allowing room for context, nuance and the opportunity to be surprised.

Maybe I’m just rambling, I don’t know.

After months of waiting, my German drivers license application was approved.

That’s my win of the week.

It’s hot today and it’s going to get so hot it’ll likely be unbearable. Back home this wouldn’t be so bad with air conditioning but here, we’re going to feel it.

I took Russ on a longer than usual early morning walk. He’s now laying in front of the fan in an attempt to cool off. He has a little ice pack sitting next to him that he keeps licking, too. As I was walking this morning, I was thinking about how much I enjoy summer. As a kid I always loved when it got warmer and the activities you can do during this season. We used to have a pool in our backyard growing up and I’d wake up early on a Saturday morning, put on my swimsuit and go running out the back door and straight to the pool. My birthday is in the summer and we’d have pool parties with ice cream cake.

Despite the unusually hot temperature today, I’m glad it forced me into a longer, earlier walk. I wish I could get into a better habit of going that kind of distance at that hour of the morning. It’s so peaceful and quiet outside. We walked on the greenway and I’d see a person every once and while go by on their bike on their commute to work, I’m assuming. I saw a girl standing on the corner in a cute outfit eating a baguette straight out of the bag. She was taking big bites from the loaf while she stood in the sun.

I have a pilates class later and I’m sure I’ll regret it as it’s a loft space with lots of light and heat. I am, however, looking forward to getting a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream after. I recently discovered a vegan ice cream place in Kreuzberg that carries it. I almost cried because it reminds me of my birthday and summers back home. This will be my reward for enduring the heat this afternoon.

I’m back, again! In an attempt to keep writing, I’m holding myself accountable and writing something, anything here. If I’m being honest, I feel a little spread thin between writing for work, my substack, and most recently: my German journal. But like anything, I know that if I keep doing things and stay consistent, it will flow out of me again versus feeling like a chore.

I just finished the book I was reading and it’s really stuck with me the past few days. The theme is her role as a therapist but the main point is when she become the patient in therapy. It takes an honest look at her own behavior, patterns and decision-making skills while sitting on the other side of therapy. It’s honest and her uncertainty around her direction in life resonated with me. I don’t feel as itchy as I used to in this regard but for many years of my twenties, I was reminded daily of the incongruence of my direction and projected path.

I have a few more books loaded on my Kindle from the library and they’re lighter in content. While I was on my work trip, I thought about how it felt to be 17 and reading a light book at the beach. For some reason, I haven’t allowed myself that freedom in a long time. I have a stack of books ranging from language learning to self-development or heavy topics in the non-fiction category. I just want to lay on my balcony and read a book about an adventure, a mystery or a summer fling and get through the book with ease. I spent a lot of time last year listening to books while I ran. I like that, too.

Sometimes I need less noise

Last night I was in a horrible mood and I couldn’t snap out of it. I packed my backpack with two bottles of water, put Russell’s leash on and set off into the summer evening. Sometimes at the end of the day, all I want to do is walk but facing the decision of where to walk paralyzes me. Yesterday, my brain was fried so I just started walking north, away from my apartment. Considering the summer heat, I decided to go towards shade and nature. I’ve been craving time in nature more than I have in a long time, like actively. So I went to the Tiergarten and I have to say, I’m very lucky to live so close to this big, beautiful park. Russell was so eager to smell every inch of the park and we just meandered through, directionless and unfazed by the time going by. Once we reached the shady park, I wasn’t worried about keeping Russell outside despite the temperatures. We’d stop for water breaks when he gave me the signal and to my surprise, I was the one who had to drag us home. He wanted to continue going deeper into the park, despite his hour and thirty minutes of exploration.

I came back from the walk in a much better mood than when I left. This was my goal, of course. In September, I’m taking Russell to a cabin in Austria at the foothills of the Alps. He’ll be able to go swimming, hiking and running in open spaces. I’m really looking forward to it. I’m considering it his grand birthday present and a proper celebration of him, for him.

For my walks and clearing of the mind: my go to playlist at the moment

side note: steep hills of vicodin tears makes me think of an epic but sad movie montage and gets me wayyyy too deep in my feelings.

I just made my second cup of coffee and gave myself a ten minute break this morning to jump on here. I have to start this by saying it feels so good to be back in Berlin after a week away. This is a feeling I never want to take for granted. I really look forward to returning to my little apartment and routine.

On Sunday mornings, I’ve been going to a yoga class in my neighborhood. I used to do a spin class every Sunday and I found being locked in a dark room with loud music pulsing through the place, along with strobe lights and sweat induced humidity, wasn’t serving me so much anymore. I’ve started to reject activities that, by design, are intended to spike my cortisol. I haven’t enjoyed HIIT classes or intense runs in quite some time, either. I thought about this as I was laying in a sun filled, open space yesterday morning.

A few years ago (pandemic times) I started my 200-hour yoga certification course. It was online and self-paced so if I had been as self-aware or honest with myself as I am now, I would have known that this format a) doesn’t work for me and I won’t see it through and b) I won’t have the same experience as I would if I studied in person and had practical examples and corrections. Knowing what I know now, I’d do it in person over the course of a few months or take a block of time to go somewhere and dedicate three weeks in a beautiful place to deepen my yoga practice. My intention with obtaining my 200 hour certification isn’t to teach yoga classes, rather become a better student myself. I guess that could change over time but for now, that’s how I feel.

Yoga became very important to me in 2018. After surviving a car accident that if I’m being honest should have killed me, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions and anxiety. I’ve never had a near death experience and it took me some time to recover from the aftermath. I couldn’t sleep, drive or calm down for many months after the accident. Honestly, that whole experience is another essay in itself but I won’t go into extreme detail today as it isn’t the focus of what I’m wanting to say. I couldn’t find peace or control following my accident. The events leading up to the accident were signs of burn out, extreme exhaustion and alarming levels of anxiety. My work at the time was demanding and I was traveling often. I was constantly criticized and nervous which took a toll on me. The long and short of it: one day as I was coming home from a work trip, driving 80mph (128 kph) in the left lane of a major interstate, I started to feel unwell. I was sweating and feeling dizzy. I got over to the right lane to pull over and before I could, I felt my heart slowing down and my hands dropped from the wheel. My last thought was: if I die, my boss will see my texts on my business phone saying how bad he made me felt.

To my surprise, I didn’t die. In fact, I wasn’t injured at all which was a miracle. My car was ruined and that was the least of my concerns. When I came to, my car was headed stopped, however, pointed in the direction of oncoming traffic. My car was stopped by the barrier ropes in place, ones that only started at this part of the interstate. I am forever grateful that I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else. I still can’t believe I didn’t. The truck driver who appeared at my door once I regained consciousness told me he’s never seen anything quite like that before. He couldn’t believe I was unharmed and was glad he didn’t witness something worse.

I kept working at my job and was forced to wear a heart rate monitor for 30 days. I was supposed to keep my stress levels to a minimum but this was impossible due to the group of people I worked with. In one instance, my heart monitor started to go off, sending a signal back to my doctors, when I was berated and dressed down at a product line review in front of all my colleagues. I knew this couldn’t go on and in an attempt to find some peace and control the situation, I turned to yoga. I would sit in a headstand for minutes at a time trying to tune out the noise. I would spend hours trying to perfect my forearm stands or creating my own sequences and flowing through them. At night when I couldn’t sleep or catch my breath, I’d go upside down until I could calm down. It was miserable and yoga was my refuge.

Now years later, I’m trying to reincorporate slow, gentle exercises back into my life. I’ve been doing yoga, going for longer walks with Russ, and getting into Pilates. The way these activities have slowed me down and been kinder on my nervous system is healing in many ways. A weak point of mine has always been my rigidity or reductive thinking in certain areas. It was my belief that if I wasn’t pushing myself to my limit and the point of exhaustion, I wasn’t giving a real effort. I needed to feel completely gassed by the end of a workout to deem it a “good” one. I’m getting more creative with my movement and doing my best to link it better with my mind. I want to feel energized and hope the movement brings me peace rather than stress and anxiety.

I started to look into 200 hour certifications in Berlin and maybe that’s something I’ll try to tackle this winter. The summer is already quite packed out and doesn’t let up until mid-October. Here’s what’s on the docket for the next few months:

• First up: a work trip in Karlsruhe where I have to give a big talk. I’m looking forward to it but also very nervous lol
• Visiting France for my birthday! (my first time)
• Making my first trip back to the U.S. in August…
• Going to Austria for 2 weeks in September (hiking, running, biking, relaxing)
• Work trip to London (my first time as well!) and giving the opening keynote for our event – yikes lol

It’s a busy few months ahead but that’s okay, too. I just need to keep myself in a flux state and keep a semblance of a routine in the meantime.

Adam is traveling for work this week. I’ll get some things to make a few nice solo dinners, go for long walks with Russ, start my new book and take it easy. I started watching a new show in German (Kleo) and I understood quite a bit—more than I would have without assistance six months ago. I’ve started journaling every morning auf Deutsch. All of this to say, I’m trying to slow down in every way and be kinder to my nervous system. I don’t want to end up where I was years ago when I felt like I was at the edge.