Category: Posts

I was at the gym last night and I put on a 90’s playlist. As I was nearing the end of my workout Zombie by The Cranberries made an appearance. Normally I would have skipped this song given the environment but I let it play through. The link I have to The Cranberries is kind of funny because it mostly reminds me of one of my oldest friend, Jen’s stepdad. He gave me his used Razor phone and the ringtone was Linger (lol).

Anyway, I was listening to this song last night and it reminded me of being a sophomore in high school. I couldn’t drive yet but my friends were starting to. I can vividly remember “discovering” bands like The Cranberries and playing them in the car while my friends chauffeured me around. When I was listening to this song last night I thought about my two best friends from high school Jen and Jo. I thought about the three of us driving around together or spending 3-4 consecutive nights together. I remembered the summers we spent by Jo’s pool or watching movies in her movie room. I thought about throwing on a tshirt or pair of shorts over my bathing suit to run to get food at McDonald’s or something similar. And the three of us riding in the car listening to music with the windows down in the summertime. I can’t think of my childhood/teenage years without thinking of the two of them.

Jen’s getting married soon. I’ll stand next to her on her wedding day and celebrate her. It’s something we’ve talked about since we were kids. When she asked me, I said yes without hesitation. Then I realized it meant I’d have to go home to visit and that gave me pause. I haven’t actively wanted to plan a trip home. I don’t know why but also I kind of do. I’ve said it a lot, even on this blog but I’ve completely severed my brain from my life here and the one back home. I don’t want to go home and realize my brother has actually died. I don’t want to pull down the driveway to my grandparents house and be hit with the realization that my grandma won’t be there to greet me at the door. Nearly three years have passed since I was home and a lot has happened, naturally. Not all of it being bad but change nonetheless.

Jen met someone new and got engaged. Jo had her third child. Carly has a new boyfriend I’ve never met. My dad moved to a new house. So on and so forth.

I won’t make some big sweeping announcement about going home (other than here) because my time will be limited and I’ll be spread thin. I want to wake up in Carly’s apartment and have a coffee with her. I want to see my dad’s dog running at me in a full sprint and jump into my arms. I want to hug my dad again. I can’t wait to stand on Adam’s parent’s back porch and hear the birds or sit at the counter with his mom and eat grapes from the bowl that always has a vine of them. Honestly, I can’t wait to go to Target. I’m looking forward to celebrating one of my oldest friends and bearing witness to the start of a new chapter for her.

Long story short, I’m getting my ticket and I’ll be home in late August. Home of the free, land of the brave…land that I love!!

Whew I’ve gotta say, social media feels like a blackhole where my brain activity goes to die (at least these days). I realized how numb and unmotivated I felt when I was constantly watching videos about what people ate in a day or seeing a constant stream of videos of fit checks in various cities. I came to the conclusion that the majority of my time and thinking was dedicated to turning my brain off or thinking about things I needed to buy which as a result, made me feel miserable. Who would have thought?

Anyway, for now I’ve deactivated my Instagram and we’ll see how this goes. I have an intensive German class coming up next week and some projects at work I need to be focusing on during the day.

This morning I woke up, showered and took Russ on a nice walk. I read while I ate breakfast and drank my coffee. It’s been a long time since I had a Monday morning where I felt refreshed or energized for the day/week ahead. I can also attribute this burst of energy to working a three day week last week and again this week. It certainly plays a role. But now with this energy, I’ve had time to write on my substack and start a new book. Speaking of my substack, if you don’t already, give it a look! It’s a different vibe and that’s intentional. I came up with the name “Foreign Concept” on a walk with a friend over a year ago when I was brainstorming a new writing project. I’m glad I wrote it down and followed through on it.

I have more thoughts and things to say but for now, I’ll get back to work and write a longer piece here later. I have some things I need to write about and it feels good to have the mental space to do so.

I love May in Germany because it’s the month with the most public holidays. This year, they all fell on a Thursday so I took the Fridays off, too. I work like one full week this month and it rules.

I have some projects I’m working on right now before my intensive class starts up in two weeks. I need flowers for my balcony for starters. I just ordered a new shelf to make a little coffee station next to my kitchen table and a reading corner is in the works. I’m still debating going the distance… aka painting an accent wall in the bedroom. We’ll see how motivated I feel after tackling a few of these projects. It’s always this time of year I start to feel the energy and will to live reintroduce itself to my central nervous system. Sunshine and good weather can do that I suppose.

May Day is tomorrow and it’s an interesting day in Berlin but also kind of stressful. There are important demonstrations taking place but I prefer to lay low and not partake in the crowds or parties. This year I’ll probably take Russ over to the forest or go for a run instead. I used to feel this mandate to partake in social events or parties to be a part of the mix and as time goes on, I don’t feel that pull. In fact, I feel it but in the other direction. This time last year Adam and I went to watch the Euros at a fan zone near the Bundestag and I got crushed in-between two huge guys and couldn’t breathe. Adam had to grab my hand and wiggle me free before I had a panic attack. We got into the watch party and my cortisol had already spiked and the thought of standing in line for a beer or the bathroom felt exhausting. I just wanted to go home by that point.

But not this year! No, we’re doing things differently. Taking the days slower, doing what makes me feel good and enjoying time off. What a revelation. The weather will be perfect today-Friday and that alone is enough for me.

I have a consultation call with a Hypnotherapist. Look, I’ve been wanting to do it for years and I thought, it’s time.

I’ve always wanted to wipe certain things from my brain Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind style but I understand that’s not how life works. There are, however, certain events and topics that I seem to subconsciously punish myself with and I’d rather find a way through it than sit with them indefinitely. I think I’ve punished myself enough and it’s time to fully move on and heal from certain events (if possible).

Learning how the brain works, memories, etc. is one of the most fascinating topics to me. I’m interested in intrinsic motivations, human behavior and relationships. I think of these things all the time when talking with my friends about their problems or observing choices made by those close to me or even strangers. I apply this same filter to myself and question my own choices in certain situations. I’ve done some things that I would consider out of character but with time and distance, I understand myself in those moments better.

And so, I don’t know what will come of it but I’m open to the experience. Omie, my grandmother, went through hypnosis at one point in her life. She used it as a tool to quit smoking. She was always open-minded about things and spiritual at her core. I found her spiritual nature and openness comforting. When she was grieving or struggling, she turned to support groups and nature. She used music as therapy and explored alternative methods for healing both physically and mentally.

In any case, I’ll report back.

me

I hope these letters aren’t sent out on my behalf.. lol

I need to be writing but life has been happening and I haven’t been tethered to my desk. I have a few minutes so I wanted to jot down some thoughts while they’re top of mind.

I read a journal entry I wrote exactly one year ago today. I wrote it to myself in the future and asked where we ended up. At the time I wrote it (April 24, 2024) I had just started a new job, was single and happily living in Berlin. Things had finally leveled out and spring was coming. Spring 2023 was a bust for the most part and I thoroughly enjoyed it last year in comparison. In my post I wrote about running and wondered if in a year I’d still be running as often. Spoiler: I am! I just got a new pair of running shoes and I’m looking forward to testing them out this evening at Tempelhoferfeld.

This past year was special. I met new people, reconnected with others and sadly had to part ways with a few. Even when things were settled this time last year, I wasn’t exactly trusting the process. I was open to whatever would happen but I wasn’t expecting anything in particular. Some of my favorite nights of last spring were the ones I spent alone. I’d take Russ on a long walk or make dinner and watch a movie. I planted flowers and lit candles. I did things to make it feel nice to be home. I went for runs and met with friends. But on the whole, things felt lighter and hopeful again.

I just opened the windows in my living room next to my desk. I walked over to the film shop during my lunch break with Russ to get my film developed from Mallorca. I have a movie I want to watch either tonight or tomorrow. It’s in French, of course. I always gravitate towards movies in French and spent the past two years watching quite a few on Kanopy. I still need to finish La Haine. I haven’t been able to bring myself to revisit it. I fell asleep in the beginning and yeah, anyway a memory for another day. I’m beginning my journey to passively learn French this spring/summer. I wanted to learn a language that wasn’t mandatory and unrelated to German. I really enjoy the language learning process but German feels like school and another language can be a reprieve for now. I love French so we’ll see how it goes. I’m going to France (for the first time) for my birthday, too! A good goal to have, I suppose.

This song has been on a loop for me the past few days. I’m not ashamed to admit it: I love Bon Iver. His version of I can’t make you love me is one of my favorite covers of all time. I burnt it out in 2014 when I was going through a low season (lol).

more on this later but for now…

a photo recap~

Last week I was in a bit of a slump both mentally and physically. For some reason I fell into this depressive state after the half marathon. I had so much anxiety leading up to the race and then I just felt tired and demotivated afterwards. I wasn’t in a good mood and I didn’t have the energy to exercise for five days which made it worse. Anyway, that changed this weekend and I felt back to myself and reenergized.

I have a habit of looking at the memories that pop up in my photos from this time last year. In April 2024, I was running often and just started my new job. I was doing the same things to welcome the spring season into my house including buying fresh flowers, going for longer walks, buying new clothes for warmer weather, etc. I was really starting to hit my stride last spring and it got me thinking about the changing of the seasons. I take the seasons very seriously and see the value in each of them.

My dad sent this text exactly one year ago and I think about it often. He’s always been supportive of me but since I moved abroad, he’s been sweet to me like this. Emerging from winter, I feel this way all over again. I wasn’t down in the same sense but I certainly was feeling the winter blues in Germany. This morning I took Russ for our normal walk and the sun was shining and it was already warm outside. Good Lord, this shift in climate revives my will to live. It makes me want to spend all my time outside or out of the house. I’ll go for a run at lunch and a yoga class tonight. Over the weekend I walked 20-25k steps a day, went to flea markets, saw friends, exercised and was exhausted by Sunday evening. To quote my text above, “i’m back baby!”

I’ve thought a lot about my dip in mood after the race. I’ve journaled about it and worked my way to the other side of it. I’m working a short week with the holiday and come Thursday night, Adam and I are off to Mallorca. We rented a car and I’m looking forward to bringing a few rolls of film, having coffees outside and spending time together in a new place. This weekend as we were walking around we kept verbalizing how thankful we were for everything in our lives right now and how nice our days were this weekend. We have these little rituals and they’ve been in place for as long as I can remember. We wake up on Saturday mornings and have our coffee while talking about all sorts of things or watching a show together. Then we finish our first (or second) cup of coffee and take Russ on a walk around the neighborhood. It’s my favorite activity of the week.

Spring has sprung!!