I’ve always had this crippling fear that I’ll miss a fate or destiny that was meant for me. I’m afraid that if I don’t hold on tight or steer the ship that way, it will go off track. I have little faith in things working out the way they were supposed to without my interference. But deep down I know this isn’t true. It’s just hard to let go and maintain this kind of faith.
I often picture myself as an old woman. I think about the core memories I’ll revisit in my brain and what they will mean to me. Who will I think of? What time periods will I miss? Most of this hasn’t even happened yet, I realize. But I think about these things as I make decisions or allow people to enter or exit my life. Relationships and friendships have a deep significance to me and I find it hard to part ways with the impactful ones. I look back on a lot of things in my life with regret and remorse. I think of all the things I wish I had done differently or things I wish I had said. I have so many feelings, emotions and opinions on things that I rarely voice. I wish I did more.
I’m reading a book that’s written from the point of view of a man remembering his past, something like 20 years prior. He can recall girls he dated, friends he had, conversations that took place with complete clarity. As an older man, he can reflect on the decisions he made as a younger person and how it led him to where he is now. I think about things like this to the point of freezing myself. I’m so scared to take a step forward and alter the course of what’s meant to be that I don’t take a step at all.
I guess that’s my burden to bear.