yesterday wasn’t the best day, mentally speaking. i stood in my kitchen and looked out the window while listening to music on full blast. i smeared some peanut butter on a rice cake and stared out into the dark back lot of my apartment while seeing my faint reflection in the shadow. i felt stuck yesterday but i can’t quite explain why. i would go to sit down and pop right back up, put my shoes on and take Russ outside. i looped the neighborhood and walked aimlessly while attempting to sort through my thoughts. nothing is wrong and nothing has happened necessarily, it was just one of those days. the dips come and they go.
i’ve been on a 90’s rock rotation recently. this genre of music makes me happy/nostalgic but definitely contributes to a weird headspace. this period of time reminds me of my brother, Jeb. i miss him a lot and i don’t know what to do with the emotions and grief i carry surrounding that topic. i feel very alone with it. death and loss make people uncomfortable, naturally so. my family has a very odd way of handling this topic and focuses on the wrong aspects of it, in my opinion. over the summer, my therapist gave me space to talk about Jeb and recount memories. nobody has really ever asked me to do that or taken that approach. when i left the office i felt like i was 100 pounds lighter. i want to remember him and talk about him. i don’t want to hide him in the corners of my brain to keep myself safe.
i think i need a change of scenery for a minute. i’m looking forward to going to Italy this weekend for an escape from Germany. i love Germany but i need a kleine pause from the darkness, cold and gray. i want to eat pasta, drink espresso, sit next to the sea and read my book. i want to take my film camera and just walk around—one of life’s greatest pleasures. i almost forgot how much i enjoy a day in a new place with my camera. i let that get away from me for a bit when i first got to Germany.
i’ve finally found my way back to myself, i think. i read once that you can’t exactly do that because you’re always evolving and changing. an author (and therapist) said you can’t go into the closet and find the old jacket, in this case, your sense of self, and put it back on because that doesn’t exist. to some degree, i disagree with that sentiment. sure, i’ve grown and altered myself over time but there is a base line i tend to make my way back to, especially as it pertains to the things i enjoy or where i find peace. there are integral parts of me that have always in some way existed and alone time, journaling, taking photos or exercise have been a constant that i look to when i’m needing something to hold onto. anyway, i’m looking forward to visiting a new city and sharing what i see with you.
i’ve been hanginaround ~