It isn’t on my mind every day or even a conscious thought at times but I know I’m feeling homesick these days. More than anything, it feels like life back home is moving on without me and I’m missing the big moments. I talked to my dad the other day on the phone and started crying as soon as I said it out loud.
“I haven’t seen you in two years, Dad.”
My best friend from high school just had her third baby. I haven’t met 2/3 of her children. My best friend is dating someone new and it’s getting serious. It will be nearly six months until I meet that person. Nothing is how I left it and I’d be stupid to think as much. I want my friends and family to go on with their lives but it’s a painful realization that I’m not there to be a part of it.
It’s always a sacrifice to live far away and I lived close to everyone and everything for a long time. I had this responsibility to be nearby when Omie was alive. It wasn’t her requirement, it was mine. I couldn’t stand the thought of being far from her and not visiting her frequently. It gave me purpose and anchored me to a location. And since she died, I’ve lived further and further away from home.
There is an irony to the fact that I’m following her trajectory. She moved countries and built a life on another continent. We just switched the scenarios and now I’m back to where she came from. It’s a passing thought because I can’t give it more attention than that but I often wonder what she would think of me living in Germany. I think she would be proud and impressed. I hope so.
I’ve become accustomed to my life here and I enjoy it a lot. But sometimes I find myself gravitating towards TV shows, books, food, people or music that remind me of home. Sometimes on my lunchtime walks I daydream about being home and riding the motorcycle with Adam. Or I think about showing up at my Dad’s on a Saturday morning with a cup of coffee—something I used to do while I was in college. Sometimes I’d drive from Knoxville to his house just to go see a matinee movie together.
I know I do these posts on an unofficial quarterly basis but what is my website if not rambling on about my thoughts and inner dialogue?
I’m going home in August. I’m having conflicted feelings about it but mostly, I’m looking forward to it. I want to go to Trader Joe’s and get snacks. I want to have an Olipop. I want to have Mexican food and bagels. I want to see my friends and my family. I want to go for walks. I want to see my dad’s animals. I want to bring home multiple rolls of film and capture the moments and people I miss. I want to watch one of my oldest friends get married and celebrate with her. I want to drive with the windows down.
Anyway, that’s how I feel on a gloomy Berlin day.