It’s funny that I wrote a post about not getting lost in nostalgia but sometimes I can’t help it. I’d say this isn’t a case where it’s unproductive though. It’s coming from a nice place where I open a door, revisit happy times and do so with fondness rather than sadness or a deep desire to be back at that time. I’m trying to appreciate nice memories for what they are: memories.
The other day I was on an easy run after work and I was just trotting along, looking around with the sun at it’s highest. It was a particularly hot afternoon and everyone was out doing some sort of physical activity—the weather somewhat demanded it. I’ve been trying to listen to audiobooks vs. music when I run or at times nothing at all but on this run, I decided to listen to uplifting/nice music since I was at a jogging pace with no destination or distance in mind. On the classic rock, nice weather playlist on shuffle Pink Floyd’s “Wish you were here” came on. I decided it wasn’t the time for this song but it did direct me to put on the same title but by Incubus. I heard recently that certain songs that made an impression when you were a teenager can literally imprint on your brain and connect you to a certain time and transport you back there when you listen to them as an adult. This song is one of them for me.
When I was eight years old, I was going through one of the hardest times of my life and I can say that at 31 years old. I had an abnormal amount of stress in my life for someone under 10 years old but life at home was shitty and really unpleasant 95% of the time. My parents were in the throes of a nasty divorce which I was positioned squarely in the middle. My mom and dad separated for the final time and I had just started a new school, my first time in a public school and making friends while dealing with heightened levels of anxiety was really difficult. I missed school often. I wore sweatpants almost every day. I got sick a lot and it was noticeable to adults that something was not right at home. One day, I befriended a tiny blonde girl who was outgoing and funny. I don’t remember our first conversation or exactly how we connected as kids, but I do regard her as my first real friend and one that would remain a constant in my life despite distance or paths we took. We grew up together and I am forever appreciative of her being inclusive and kind to a kid who was craving connection and love.
So as I put on “Wish you were here” by Incubus, I thought of this person. I thought of the summer in 2007 when we were together at music festival watching this song live together. We were 15 years old and my mom allowed us to go to a two-day festival ALONE in Baltimore with the light supervision of my oldest brother, Jeb. We essentially slept at his house but spent most of the waking hours at this music festival watching our favorite bands in 90 degree weather surrounded by drunk people twice our age. It ruled. When we saw Incubus, it was probably 5pm, the sun was high in the sky soon to set. We were fatigued from standing in crowds/mosh pits all day but I remember closing my eyes and appreciating the moment of being with my oldest/closest friend, watching one of my favorite bands at that time and how lucky I was. When I listen to that song today, I could transport myself back to that moment in a heartbeat. It’s one of the best memories I have in the archive. At 15, I finally felt like for a moment I could be a little carefree and enjoy life with my friends.
Today, I talk with this friend often with a nine hour time difference and thousands of miles between us. We facetime and catch up as if we’d seen each other every day for the past 10 years. I haven’t seen her in person for at least five years if I had to guess. It makes me feel safe to see her or hear her voice. To be connected with someone who’s known me for the majority of my life and loves me the same. And to bring this to a close, here is a photo from that day.
