I’m sore and tired but it makes sense because I ran in the Berlin Half Marathon yesterday! It was a nice day, all things considered. The sun was shining but it was windy and cold most of the day. I was more prepared for this race than I was the last one but for some reason I had a lot of anxiety about it? It was immediately gone when I crossed the finish line and came home.

I listened to my music and enjoyed running through the city where I live. I love Berlin. It made me emotional to run past the famous landmarks and most importantly, seeing my friends on the side of the streets cheering for me. As I got closer to the 11km mark, nearly halfway, I knew I’d round the corner to see Adam, Ryan, Isabel and the guest of honor, Russell. Isabel raised Russ up so I’d see him and I darted over to him so I could kiss his face as I ran by. Then I kept running through my neighborhood, onto Potsdamer Platz, knowing I’d see more friends at the 15km mark. I ripped open a cherry gel and trotted along listening to music.

I was starting to lose steam and knew the distance between 15-19km would be tough. And then my friend Peter jumped into the race and ran with me. We talked and caught up about things that had happened in the past week while I was gone and we just had fun. It helped quite a bit and was nice to take it easy and just have fun in that stretch of the race.

And then finally, I sprinted towards the end and ran through the BrandenburgerTor and finished the race. Adam was waiting at the finish with a donut and a big hug. He bundled me up in his sweatshirt and jacket because I was so cold and tired. He was so proud of me and for some reason that made me want to cry. He’s always so supportive of things I want to try and he always encourages me along the way. He was at the last race I did and knowing he was there to watch really helped me get through that experience. We’re doing a Hyrox race together next month and I’m really looking forward to it. We’ve been exercising together for a long time but training for Hyrox since January. We complement each other so well in that sport.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who was so nice about the race and sent messages of support. It meant a lot to me. For now, I don’t think I’ll do another race. The thing I love about running is that it’s individual. It’s a place where I can clear my head and be alone while moving my body. I don’t like pressure surrounding the topic, even if it’s self inflicted. I just want to be alone and listen to a book, podcast or music while being outside.

 

It isn’t on my mind every day or even a conscious thought at times but I know I’m feeling homesick these days. More than anything, it feels like life back home is moving on without me and I’m missing the big moments. I talked to my dad the other day on the phone and started crying as soon as I said it out loud.

“I haven’t seen you in two years, Dad.” 

My best friend from high school just had her third baby. I haven’t met 2/3 of her children. My best friend is dating someone new and it’s getting serious. It will be nearly six months until I meet that person. Nothing is how I left it and I’d be stupid to think as much. I want my friends and family to go on with their lives but it’s a painful realization that I’m not there to be a part of it.

It’s always a sacrifice to live far away and I lived close to everyone and everything for a long time. I had this responsibility to be nearby when Omie was alive. It wasn’t her requirement, it was mine. I couldn’t stand the thought of being far from her and not visiting her frequently. It gave me purpose and anchored me to a location. And since she died, I’ve lived further and further away from home.

There is an irony to the fact that I’m following her trajectory. She moved countries and built a life on another continent. We just switched the scenarios and now I’m back to where she came from. It’s a passing thought because I can’t give it more attention than that but I often wonder what she would think of me living in Germany. I think she would be proud and impressed. I hope so.

I’ve become accustomed to my life here and I enjoy it a lot. But sometimes I find myself gravitating towards TV shows, books, food, people or music that remind me of home. Sometimes on my lunchtime walks I daydream about being home and riding the motorcycle with Adam. Or I think about showing up at my Dad’s on a Saturday morning with a cup of coffee—something I used to do while I was in college. Sometimes I’d drive from Knoxville to his house just to go see a matinee movie together.

I know I do these posts on an unofficial quarterly basis but what is my website if not rambling on about my thoughts and inner dialogue?

I’m going home in August. I’m having conflicted feelings about it but mostly, I’m looking forward to it. I want to go to Trader Joe’s and get snacks. I want to have an Olipop. I want to have Mexican food and bagels. I want to see my friends and my family. I want to go for walks. I want to see my dad’s animals. I want to bring home multiple rolls of film and capture the moments and people I miss. I want to watch one of my oldest friends get married and celebrate with her. I want to drive with the windows down.

Anyway, that’s how I feel on a gloomy Berlin day.

too on the nose: in musical form 

this series and book mean so much to me. i always come back to it

i’ve felt “off” for the last few weeks. i haven’t felt my best when socializing or that i hit my stride easily. it’s frustrating and makes me self conscious.

today i met a friend and we had a nice talk. it was the first time in a while where i didn’t feel awkward or second guess myself. we talked about connection (and reconnection), love, maturing, empathy, so on and so forth. we sat in a park on the edge of a fountain and met up only to talk and have that conversation during my lunch break. i left feeling energized. maybe i broke the spell?

i miss having interactions like this. i miss having deeper conversations with people. it’s been a minute!

how saturdays feel

I was in German class last night and the exercise was to write a postcard to a friend. I know a lot of vocabulary in German but often I’ll go to say something and realize I have a complete blindspot when it comes to knowing the word for something very simple and common.

In my postcard I wrote this to my classmate, George, who’s an Australian expat living in Berlin. She’s cool.

“Liebe George, 

ich hoffe diese briefe finden dich. Ich bin in Österreich mit meiner Familie. Sie sprechen Deutsch mit einem dialekt und ich verstehe nur ein bisschen. Wir sind in die Berge gegangen. Es war sehr schön! Und jetzt, ich bin in der Stadt. Ich gehe ins Cafe für Frühstück. Ich verspreche viele Fotos machen für dich! Du bist mein Lieblingsaustralien, nicht Österreicherin! Ich bin lustig. Ja, so, ich sehe dich in eine Woche in die Schule! 

Bis dann! Tschüss!

LG aus Österreich,

Kendall”

Anyway it sounds like an eight year old wrote that but I’m practicing different cases (akkustativ/dativ) so I had to write it a certain way. But to the point, as I was writing this, I went to write “I promise” and it occurred to me, I had no clue what the word for “promise” in German is. I asked my teacher and she wrote “versprechen” on the board. I promise I won’t forget that word… get it?

This got me thinking about the premise of a promise. I’ve hung on the words someone promised me. I still take them seriously but I don’t expect everyone to do what they say they will. That kind of thinking has led to a lot of disappointment and resentful feelings on my side. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve been more careful about when I use that word or what I promise. I try to promise what I know I can deliver and I honor commitments better than I used to. I understand the weight they carry and my role in providing someone with an expectation for how I’ll show up. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I try to make promises I know I can keep or have a very good reason why I can’t keep them at this point in my life.

Lastly, I want to express a deep appreciation for those who have made promises to me and have done their best to keep them. I don’t always want to focus on the negative or when people let me down—rather put the emphasis on when people show up for me. And so many people do.

one of the best explanations of grief and loss

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’ll be running in the Berlin half marathon in a few weeks! For some reason I didn’t sign up when I had the opportunity so I had to fundraise for a bib. I ended up raising close to 500 euros for a dog rescue in the UK so despite feeling like I was selling girl scout cookies to my family and friends, I ended up raising money for a good cause and in return, they’ll let me run in the race—my home race!

I’ll be honest, I don’t really care about racing or completing a run in a certain timeframe but I do like the energy of running in a big group of people and knowing my friends will be cheering for me. I’ve found running to be such an individual and private exercise for me since I’m not part of a running club (yet..) so in this once instance, knowing I’ll get to run in the city where I live on a nice spring day with support will be fun. I haven’t stopped running since I started running consistently this time last year and I’ve become more confident in my abilities.

All of this to say, come April 6, I’ll be running around the streets of Berlin and hopefully completing the distance through the pillars of the Brandenburger Tor! I ordered some new shoes for the occasion which if I decide to keep them, I’d need to start breaking them in asap. . .

On a semi-related note, I also decided it would be a good idea (lol) to sign up for a Hyrox race. The race is also in Berlin and takes place at Tempelhoferfeld which is pretty cool. Right after my half marathon, I’ll shift my focus to solely training for this race. I feel, okay about it? After these two races, I’ll want a break from any sort of competition. I like challenging myself but I also enjoy the private nature of my exercise routines and using them as a form of release and self-care.

Wish me luck!