I’ve been in my head a lot recently but what else is new? I’ve been thinking a lot about decision making, consumption, energy expenditure, etc. I’ve been reading articles about decluttering in every sense. I downloaded a book for my Kindle that goes through the process of simplifying your life. I get fatigued by making decisions quicker than I’d like to admit. I shut down at times when too many options are presented to me and I feel like I’m losing my mind when I zoom out and realize everything is designed to get you to spend money.

I asked myself when I feel most at peace and the answer is: when I don’t have a lot going on. I like to be busy in a matter of speaking but not overwhelmed or stretched too thin. Perhaps I like being active more than anything else. When I’ve been on an island or in a small town, I’m extremely comforted by the lack of options whether it be things to buy at a store or activities to do. In that regard, I’m pretty simple. The amount of time or energy I spend on thinking about things to buy makes me sick. A few years ago when I started doing my yoga teacher training, I started reading Light on Yoga. In the initial pages, it covers mind control, not giving into impulses, living modestly, and so on. It became abundantly clear to me how much I’m being controlled by big corporations and how most of their success hinges on my unhappiness or my constant search for a dopamine hit.

There’s a difference though, right? I’ve lived in smaller places and found myself bored or unstimulated. Part of that falls to me but the other part falls to the places I ended up. They weren’t particularly interesting or walkable. If I lived on an island now with limited options or a smaller town near nature, I think at my age I could make my own happiness. I think I’d feel extreme relief from the lack of options but also frustrated at times if I wanted to do something specific. I think that’s why I’ve found running and yoga to be two constant forms of exercise or movement that appeal to me the most. You don’t need a lot to do either and both of them allow you to move your body wherever you are.

Call me boring but over the past few years I derive pleasure from small, mundane things. Saving up to buy a new bike so I don’t have to ride the uBahn. Finding a book I’m interested in and want to dedicate time to reading. Writing an essay that I had floating around in my mind. Giving Russell a bath or brushing him. Planting flowers on my balcony. Vacuuming and mopping the floors. Putting my laundry away. Making my little bowl of yogurt with berries and granola in the morning. Opening the windows when the weather feels nice and bringing fresh air into my apartment. Seeing a movie I love is available on a streaming service I subscribe to. Overhearing a conversation in German and understanding (mostly) what they’re talking about.

I visited Innsbruck a few years ago in the mid-late phases of the pandemic. It was about this time of year so spring was starting and you could stand in the sun with a light jacket or short sleeves. I refilled my bottle at every chance with fresh spring water from the Alps. I drank coffees in the sun and played chess at an outdoor park. I walked through the neighborhoods and explored the small city within two days. I thought a lot about the people who lived in Innsbruck and how they must have some sport that they do with such close proximity to nature. In town, I’d see people with their ski gear walking to a coffee shop. For winter sports, hiking, or trail running, it’s an oasis. I wondered what my life would be if I lived there. Would it be too small? Would I utilize the accessibility to nature? Russ would love it, that I know for sure.

In my journal that morning, I wrote this:

Memo no. Austria

Date: 3/27/2022

I’m currently eating breakfast in Austria with Adam. It feels a little surreal. We’ve talked about coming here for a long time and now it’s happening. Our getting here was smooth but physically, O felt rough. We didn’t sleep and had a pretty long day. Now that I’ve had a hot bath and coffee, I’m feeling much better. For the next few days, we’re staying in Innsbruck—the city where my grandmother’s mom lived for many years and where she’s buried. Everywhere you go, you have a view of high reaching, snow covered alps with crystal blue streams running beneath. Yesterday, the weather was warm and everywhere we went we saw people out walking, biking, reading or having a drink with their friends. I haven’t been back to Europe in over two years and to be back feels like a dream, literally. It almost makes me forget the pandemic and other horrible things we’ve endured when I look outside and see these people enjoying their lives in this way. I haven’t been in a situation where I was challenged mentally to problem solve or speak another language in quite some time. It’s overwhelming but a nice change. I know that I want to be here someday and I also acknowledge it will be another challenge in itself. These kinds of experiences force you out of complacency and keep you moving. I guess I’ve been stuck.”

I can remember that feeling well. If that was written in March, I’d get my job offer in early August and move to Germany in October. Realizing that timeline in hindsight is kind of hard to believe. Our trip really left an impression on us and served as motivation for making our lives here a reality.

Would I be at my happiest if I had less choices on a daily basis? Probably. Would it make me feel better to be surrounded by nature and less noise? Maybe. Do I like living in a big city? Most days, yes. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I want to find a way to distance myself from the things that cause my mind to melt or lose focus. I don’t want to spend so much time thinking about what I should buy or things I can spend money on. I just want to have less choices and feel confident about the decisions I make.

Bonus: photos from that trip ~

I took a small break from writing on here consistently. I was contributing more to my substack but didn’t feel overly motivated to share anything here. I’ve learned it’s better not to force these kinds of things and come back when I have something to say.

The weather in Berlin is finally getting nicer. The days are getting longer and the sun is shining consistently. When the winter is as long and dark as it is in Germany you almost forget how much better you feel when the weather is nice. I ordered a new bike and started running outside again. I started putting outfits together again and feeling motivated to leave and stay out of the house. Spring is coming. 

So where have I been? Good question.

This past weekend was exactly how I’d choose to spend my time off if I had my way. On Friday night, I went for a four mile run to Tempelhoferfeld. As I finished my run, I saw the sun setting at the end of the runway!! I went back home, decided to stay in, order food and watch Severance. Generally, I took it easy after what felt like a long week. I disconnected and spent some time in my own space.

On Saturday, I woke up earlier than I would on a weekday. I had a cup of coffee in bed while watching Seinfeld on the projector in my room. I walked out to the living room, opened the metal shutters and the windows to let some light and fresh air in the apartment. I made my little yogurt bowl with a vegan skyyr alternative, some blueberries and strawberries, a little granola and a sprinkle of honey on top. The sun was out so Russell and I went for a longer early morning walk and listened to the church bells ringing all throughout the neighborhood. I had a hyrox workout scheduled with my friends (as usual), followed by coffee outside. I came home, took Russell to the park and sat in the sun. Then to finish the night off, we went to Wen Cheng for spicy noodles.

later that night…

I went upstairs to my brother’s apartment to finally watch Mulholland Drive. I don’t know how I’ve gotten away with not seeing it until now. I have more to say about it but it hit me in a weird place. I told my brother our life in Germany feels like life before the key gets turned. It almost feels idyllic and dreamy, similar to the first half of the movie.

Honestly though, it kind of feels like the opposite. My life was not as nice before and now I’ve transitioned into the more pleasant iteration of that dream sequence. Anyway, the next morning, I woke up early for my cycling class. I came back afterwards, grabbed Russ and went to the park for a coffee. I was in a bit of a weird headspace from the night before but being outside helped quite a bit. It feels like a nice preview of what’s to come in the next few months—something to look forward to.

All of this to say, I’m back to writing here. More essays and thoughts to come.

this song has been on a loop

i feel like my brain is defrosting. more on this later though

one of my favorite fictional characters

this is me and Russ lol