I’ve been traveling a lot for work recently and I’m home now for the next two months. My brain has felt stuck in a freeze and it’s defrosting now where I can start writing, reading, visiting with my friends and replying to texts again. I’ve been out of touch for weeks and that’s made me feel disconnected and a bit anxious. I don’t know if I can pinpoint the origin of the anxiety but I don’t like feeling like I’m a bad friend.

I went to Vienna for work last week and stayed longer for a personal trip. Adam met me there and we spent three days in the 7th district walking around and exploring. Vienna is a special place for me as it’s where Omie was born and where she considered home. Visiting Vienna has always felt like a way I could still connect to her—even hearing the dialect and accent is a warm, familiar feeling to me. While we were there, I had Viennese coffees, visited the Christmas markets, went to a kino, an art museum, etc. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just enjoy spending time there and want to more often.

As soon as I arrived in Vienna, I went straight to the camera shop for a roll of film. When I got there, they had a little vending machine with different types of film you could buy any time. They were sold out of color so black and white was my only option. I say this as a forewarning because the last rolls of film have been black and white and this isn’t my new default. I always shoot a roll of film differently when it’s black and white, though. Anyway, I’ve already dropped it off for developing so I’ll follow-up with the pictures if they’re any good.

When I visited Vienna for this first time in 2018, it was a very intimate, deeply personal trip. It would be my first trip to Vienna but also one to bring Omie home, in a matter of speaking. It was never a question to me that I should bring her back to Vienna to rest peacefully. So on this trip, my brother and I brought her ashes to Vienna so our family could lay her to rest in her actual home, Vienna. This act felt like the closure I had been desperately seeking after grappling with her death for nearly a year. I spent a lot of time on that trip with my headphones on, walking around the city or sitting in parks. Since that trip nearly six years ago, I’ve been eager to bring Adam to Vienna so he could experience such a special place for me and for Omie.

It’s funny to visit a city like Vienna and then come back to one like Berlin. Each city is beautiful and unique in their own way but Vienna lacks the edge that Berlin has—an aspect of this city that I appreciate. When I lived in the Bay Area, this was one of the reasons I enjoyed it so much. There was an honesty to the place that I hadn’t experienced in other places. There was also a sense of pride from the people that found their place there and worked to make it inclusive and keep it authentic. I like that Berlin is a melting pot and not a traditional German city. But as I was thinking about this last night and inevitably comparing the two cities in my mind, a homeless guy spit on me while I rode the U3 home. I wasn’t in the mood and for a moment, it made me fatigued with the idea of Berlin… only for a moment, though.

I went to a yoga class last night and spent 90 minutes trying to get my brain back into a normal place. At one point, I felt the thoughts racing and I couldn’t settle into any sort of equilibrium. Then, as I peddled my feet in downward dog, I felt the hands of the instructor on top of mine. She wasn’t correcting me, but simply allowing a transference of energy to happen. I was actually surprised how quickly my mind came to a screeching halt and all I felt was calm and warm. Physical touch used to be something I strayed away from and actually made me recoil but within the last year, I find myself touching someone’s arm or feeling comforted by the touch of someone, even strangers in this case. I went to this class with a friend and we talked about this afterwards over dinner. We also went into the topic of energies and frequencies and I find myself thinking more about this as it pertains to who who I spend my time with or what activities I take part in.

It’s a Friday morning and I’m looking forward to a slow weekend. I want to get a Christmas tree, make soup at home and watch movies. I took the week of Christmas off (for the first time ever) and I want to be fully checked out and enjoy the last part of this year. 2024 was much better to me than 2023 and for that I’m thankful. I have my wish list for next year but things certainly feel lighter and I’m hopeful about the plans I can make.

from the drafts- October 3, 2024

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it’s almost 3 am and i can’t sleep. there’s something comforting to me about being an adult and having my own place in situations like these. i have the ability to switch rooms and turn the lights or tv for a change of scenery and having the freedom to do so. i’m sitting on the floor of my living room next to a space heater, with my headphones on…of course.

yesterday was strange for me and i felt off all day. i found myself standing in the kitchen staring blankly for minutes on end. the night prior i had a recurring night terror where i wake up suddenly and realize i’m living in a foreign country all alone and feel terrified by that thought all at once. the night anxiety has improved greatly over the past six months but for reasons unknown, it hit me hard yesterday.

as i sit here, i have a lot of thoughts racing through my head. mind you, i’m still half asleep. i’m listening to this song which i have a strong emotional tie to and i’m not sure i can explain it. i’ll try. it reminds me of standing in a small club in Budapest with my good friend Peter on a February night feeling very lost. the band playing had a set with a deep blue light show and i remember swaying back and forth wondering what the hell i was doing with my life. later, i listened to this song a lot when i ran and it kind of gave me purpose in that sense because it has a nice build.

i’m a firm believer in timing and signs from the universe. in some way or another, i’ve been exactly where i was supposed to be when i was there. sometimes timing is cruel and i can’t make sense of it but for the sake of my sanity, i choose to trust that there’s a bigger reason for it all.

now i’m just rambling.

i guess what i’m trying to say is: everything has played out the way it was supposed to and i have to trust that. what else can i do?

for my walks

regret is the feeling that lingers the longest

i’m on my way to Düsseldorf and I’m working from the train. i actually look forward to this train ride (not so much the destination) but the journey is pleasant and i get a lot of work done. i took a bolt to the hbf and my driver talked to me the whole time, mostly in German. i have to say, i love talking with cab drivers the most because they understand my wanting to try and they let me. plus, the conversation is always nice and basic enough for me to pull my own weight.

anyway, as I was listening to music and working on the train just now, we stopped in a town a few hours outside of Berlin. i saw a girl in her 30’s get on the train after saying goodbye to what i’m assuming were her parents. they stood at the train window with their hand pressed against it waving and and blowing kisses. the girl seemed a little embarassed but waved back and went back to her book. her mom started crying and her dad put his arm around her and kept waving to their daughter. it kind of choked me up to watch that and see how much these parents loved their kid and how it pained them to see her go.

i haven’t seen my dad since March 2023. i miss him so much.

I’ve been adjusting to life changes lately and while I haven’t been writing here, I’ve been journaling and sending letters to people back home. I read a quote today that said something to the effect of not feeling like you exist in one place but in many simultaneously and that’s how I feel currently.

I need to get another roll of film… that’s a note to myself. The days are getting darker and colder in Germany and I’m trying to keep the momentum up. Yesterday, the sun set promptly at 4:02pm and then we launched into an eternal darkness until 8am this morning. I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill, staring out the window into the skyline watching everyone below do their shopping and head to the train. Running has been a good form of catharsis for me and I feel powerful with my endurance, or how I’ve learned to push beyond the discomfort or exhaustion I feel. It really does become a mental exercise more than anything at a certain point.

As I was running, I thought about the seasons. I’m a big proponent of them and what they bring for a change of activity and lifestyle. Winter indicates rest and slowing down to some degree but for me, I can’t let it bring me to a screeching halt. At the very least, I’m trying to remain active after work despite the total darkness enveloping me before I’m done working for the day. I’ve decided my focus for this season will be both on discipline and creativity—sounds like a conflict of interest, no? I guess my brain is able to compartmentalize the two for the sake of pursuing two routes in my head that are unrelated to one another.

I’ve been on a mission to make myself feel better holistically by diet and exercise as the driving factors. I’ve done research on how to increase my energy as we dip into a cold, dark season and found exercises that make me want to go to the gym despite the strong pull to stay home and hibernate instead. I told someone recently I wanted to feel strong and I mean that in every form of the definition. I want to feel strong mentally and physically and those two definitely go hand in hand. This is where running has been so pivotal in highlighting this connection and paving the way for a two-way exchange.

But then I think of creativity and the down season of winter and I find myself trying to find things to do. I don’t want to overcomplicate this but I do think I can be consuming things (creatively) that will spark interest in other areas. I have a new book I’d like to read. I have a movie I’m excited to watch. I have essays I want to write. I have projects I want to pursue… this includes learning to bake something. I miss reading. I used to read constantly and then I endured a horrible period of time where my mind couldn’t focus on reading a book or sitting down to watch a movie. I hate to use the word torture but it certainly felt like a close form. I used to make collages on post cards and send them to my friends. Maybe I should do something like that again.

Anyway, I’ve been looking at tickets to Spain or Portugal to break up the six months of grey that lie ahead. This will be my third German winter and I didn’t handle the first one so well. Last year, I’d say I made the most of it and was quite active. For a year (or since January) I’ve kept an active log of all the major activities I did every month and the places I’ve traveled. When I go back through that list, I’m impressed that a. I did all the things on that list and b. that I was consistent each month in tracking them. I’ll likely do the same for 2025 and if I had to guess, there will be a lot more activities and places traveled on the docket.

I have to finish some work and then I’ll meet my friend for coffee at lunch time.

bis zum nächsten Mal!

i think about this movie a lot

for today