when stevie nicks voice cracks while she’s singing “you’ll never get away from the sound of the women that loves you”

it kind of knocks the wind out of me

One of my goals is to visit all of the cinemas in Berlin. At this point, I’ve been to quite a few but I still have a ways to go. Every other day I open the app to see what’s playing and where to see if I can swing it. Last night, I met with a friend to get dumplings and catch up. Afterwards we walked over to the Sputnik kino in Kreuzberg—a cinema I’ve wanted to visit for quite some time.

After climbing the five flights of stairs, I found myself in a small upstairs portion of a building that felt like the $1 movie theater my Omie used to take me to on Wednesdays back home. This correlation is one of endearment, not of criticism. They had a small popcorn maker and a variety of vegan gummies and chocolate covered candies. I ordered my usual: a salty popcorn and a radler. The walls were painted red with black curtains and chairs which reminded me of my childhood bedroom.

“My little sister’s room looks like someone let Tim Burton design a hooker dungeon.” – my brother Ryan lol

So anyway, I was then directed towards “Sputnik kino 1” where they were playing Beetlejuice 2. It’s October, which I’ll remind everyone is my favorite month of the year, and watching Beetlejuice is an annual tradition. Before my brother left to go home to the US, we spontaneously watched Beetlejuice. I have strong emotional ties to that movie and memories associated with it. I can remember almost every year of my life since I was a kid catching at least half of it when it aired on ABC Family for the 13 nights of Halloween. Anyway, when I saw they were doing a sequel, I wasn’t pumped about it but I knew I’d go see it.

Beetlejuice 2 isn’t playing many places in Berlin, or at least not as many as back home. I actually find it really funny that there isn’t a huge audience for the movie or it doesn’t hit the same here. I watched the movie, ate my popcorn and drank my lil radler. I sat in the leather seats that were housed in a brick frame fitting with the brutalist aesthetic in a tiny theater separated from the lobby by a thin black curtain. Halfway through the movie I remembered I had vegan sour gummies in my bag so I spent five minutes trying to get them out without disrupting the movie viewing experience. Overall, the movie was fine but put me in a weird headspace. It’s hard to explain or go further into at this moment but I’ll do my best.

I took the u7 home and walked back in the pouring rain. I was completely soaked when I got home and I actually didn’t mind all that much. I was thinking a lot about the past and home. I’ve been doing my best not to let my mind always go there but sometimes it’s inevitable. I stepped inside, grabbed an umbrella for Russ and we went on our night loop. As I turned the corner to head home, I saw a familiar face—the homeless guy who lives on my block. I see him every day in various places at different times of the day. He’s usually at the späti having a cup of coffee or sitting at this little place to eat. He smiled at Russ and I as we walked by and I smiled back. Over the past year, he’s seen me in a broad range of emotions. He first smiled at me when I was crying on a summer day and not able to compose myself. It kind of took me by surprise that he smiled at me because he’s usually despondent or looking off into the void. Since then, we usually smile or wave when we see each other. He’s a permanent fixture of the neighborhood. I sent my brother this picture and he said “I wish we knew his name” and I said “same.”

 

I’m exhausted. I should try to slow down a bit or get some rest but it’s unlikely that will happen anytime soon. Happy October!

beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice

 

from the archives: an October night at my dad’s house in Tennessee almost ten years ago.

Bonfires, home, October are all synonymous to me. Last summer I went to a light exhibition in Berlin which I definitely wasn’t in the headspace for but I went anyway. One of the last installations was a bonfire with flickering simulations of red, yellow and white, accompanied by crackling noises, it was meant to simulate a bonfire. When I took a seat at this section, I almost had a panic attack immediately. The visceral reminder of my homesickness was too overwhelming to be enjoyed as “art” for me.

I talked to my dad for an hour yesterday and it’s one of the better conversations we’ve had in a long time. He told me what it was like back home weather wise and all the things he needed to do. My dad is funny because every time we talk he’s drinking his second cup of coffee. He always takes a cartoonishly large pull of the coffee followed by an “ahhhhhh” to express the joy he has for his little ritual. For as long as I can remember, my dad has enjoyed his morning coffee with the same level of enthusiasm.

I think I inherited that from him.

I used to write essays. I should do that more…I’ll try. Either way, I wrote two essays for my old website. I decided I liked them enough to transfer them over to this new lil domain. I recently got a letter from my friend back home, Sara. This prompted me to go back and read the essay I wrote about her wedding. So, an old essay being repurposed below dedicated to my friends who I miss very much.

The Ferraras

Like anyone else, I’ve been to what feels like hundreds of weddings in my lifetime. Every year, more of my friends get married and I find myself making arrangements to get where they are to celebrate. I have a lot of thoughts/conflicted feelings on weddings but for the most part, I enjoy attending—especially when they’re good friends of mine.

My conflicted feelings stem from the lack of variety regarding weddings. To some degree, they all feel exactly the same. I don’t know how you could have an original wedding, really, but going to multiple back-to-back, I find myself wondering what the difference is besides the two people getting married. Again, this isn’t coming from a place of judgment or criticism, just an observation.

Recently, one of my dear friends asked me to be in her wedding and it was a real honor. I felt so thankful to be included in the small group she wanted to stand by her side when she married her best friend. I imagine it isn’t easy to come up with a list of people to invite to the wedding, let alone, include in your wedding party. Those are the people you look back in 20 years and remember as your good friends and if you’re fortunate enough, still are.

I had never been in a wedding. I was asked once by a good friend of mine but they decided to elope instead. that was seven years ago. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I was asked this time. not to mention, I was nervous to be the outsider meeting 12 other women whom I only had one person in common with. This person and couple is particularly special to me though and I trusted whoever they chose to surround themselves with would be just as lovely as they were.

I was right.

I’ve been trying to find ways to push myself outside of my comfort zone and this was definitely a test. I would arrive at a bachelorette party (alone), hours after everyone else arrived and had time to introduce themselves/bond. I jumped in headfirst and tried to keep any anxiety I had at bay. This wasn’t the time for me to let my anxiety dictate my ability to socialize. after three days, I became fast friends with former strangers. I allowed myself to have a good time and be a part of something. I felt accepted and that alone was liberating.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to tell someone what they mean to me, especially when they’ve done things for me they probably aren’t aware of. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve become very selective about who I choose to spend my time with or share things with. That in itself is a double-edged sword as it can make your world very small. Even when my world was “big” I wasn’t quite as happy, though. The less frequent but meaningful connections mean so much more to me than having a friendship that no longer serves one or both parties.

When i met Jonny and Sara, I was a different person. I was 21 in my last semester at college and very lost concerning my future. All of my friends were moving to different places and didn’t know what I wanted to do or where I wanted to be. An important friendship of mine had recently been terminated, I was seeing someone I shouldn’t have and that’s really the story there. On the contrary, Jonny and Sara were also my age but in a very different part of their lives. They were in the earlier days of dating, working, and enjoying a vacation together with Jonny’s family. When I met them, I feel like I was one of the worst versions of myself. Luckily, this didn’t affect what would become a long-lasting friendship. For some reason, they accepted me into their very special circle and allowed me to stay there for years to come. I’m really thankful they did.

It’s been almost seven years since I met Jonny and Sara and I feel like I’ve gone through 10 versions of myself since. All along the way, they’ve been there as loyal friends. I tried out different places to live, career paths, etc. and their friendship remained steadfast. They (unknowingly) pieced me together after Omie died and spent an amazing weekend with me when I felt like i didn’t deserve to be happy or had the capacity to be. They include me in their life, send me letters, invite me on trips, and when I was one of the first to hear of their engagement; I felt special. Two people who really, truly loved each other in a way I had rarely experienced firsthand were going to get married, and furthermore, they wanted me to be a part of it. I had never been this excited about a wedding— maybe because I had rarely seen love like theirs.

Sara and I became close because we have more in common than I/we realized. We come from dark pasts with complicated, rarely understood realities. She made me feel accepted, heard and loved when I confided in her. I learned it was okay to trust someone and let them in. She writes letters to me and sends me things when she’s thinking of me.

Adult friends, I’ve learned, are so much different than your college, high school, or even co-worker friends. You have to search harder for common ground and put effort into an adult friendship. Jonny and Sara have evolved into true adult friends of mine. They may have known me while I was in college, but our friendship really formed as adults. We’ve known each other through some hard times (on both sides) and the connection is so much different. It feels really intentional and one you can’t get complacent with or it goes away. All I’m trying to say is: I’m thankful for them and felt honored to be included in the most special day of their life.

here are some photos Adam and I took of their day~

einmal ist keinmal

Heute, ich schreibe auf Deutsch! Es ist nicht perfekt, aber hier wir geht. <<– does it translate 1:1? idk? Do Germans say here we go oder Los Gehts exclusively?

Ich klinge wie ein Kindergartenkind, ich weiß. Est ist herbst. Herbst ist mein lieblingssaison. Ich liebe Übergangsjacken-Wetter. Ich verstehe Celsius immer noch nicht ganz…..oder Kilograms, Kilometers, und so weiter. Wenn es regnet, ich brauche suppe, Grießnockerlsuppe. Ich mag es, wenn die Jahreszeit wechselt. Es ist ein Neuanfang, ich denke. Und so, ein Neuanfang im Oktober.

Ich frage mich, wie meine Persönlichkeit auf Deutsch sein wird. Manchmal habe ich das Gefühl, dass ich ehrlicher oder direkter sein kann, da es nicht meine Muttersprache ist. Aber ich brauche mehr Vokabeln dafür. Ich habe kleine Gedichte auf Deutsch geschrieben. Sie waren dumm.

z.B.

Ich bin nur kleiner baby Muffin.

oder

Ich bin das kleine Bild in deiner Handyhülle.

Ich weiß nicht, warum ich angefangen habe, sie zu schreiben. Es war Spaß und eine neue Art, mich auszudrücken. Na ja.

Ehrlich gesagt, ich liebe Deutsch. Es ist sehr schwer aber es war meine Omie’s muttersprache. Ich vermisse sie. Ich habe deutsche Freunde und möchte mit ihnen sprechen. Ich bin so hart zu mir selbst, wenn ich einen Fehler mache. Ich versuche, nicht zu sein.

Und so, ich wünsche Ihnen einen schönen Oktober, meine Freunde.

i’m taking my German learning to the next level this fall & winter.

just putting this out into the ether!