looping in my head

I liked you for who you are; and who you are is a person who leaves.

But for him, you’re the person who stays.

stuck in my head in case you’re wondering

I haven’t had much downtime lately which is okay but that also means I haven’t been able to get my thoughts out in my journal or here. I have a lot of thoughts recently and I wouldn’t say they are well organized but they’re floating around. From traveling for work to having guests at my house, I’ve been going nonstop and I have an hour on my lunch break to regroup. So here we are!

I have had a series of guests over the past week and it’s been a fun change of pace to show them around Berlin in a way I don’t get to experience so much anymore. The simple delight of walking down the street with a beer and not getting tackled and arrested for doing so is a privilege I exercise regularly and truly enjoy showing my friends from back home. For having lived in Germany for multiple years now, it’s always interesting for me to see what people from home really love about the way of life here or don’t understand at all. I found myself telling them that if I allowed every set back or difference carry substantial weight in my mind, I’d never survive here and that’s the truth. Life here isn’t so different but all at once, it can be a lot to take in. Aside from the complex steps in what should be easy daily tasks at time, I don’t find myself getting as frustrated or short tempered about a lot of the things that come with being an expat.

Overall, I feel exhausted. Something has been happening recently and maybe I’m not fully conscious of it but I find myself hitting a wall and feeling completely depleted of all physical and mental energy at one time. I don’t know if I’m exerting energy in waves and not getting enough rest but when the wave of exhaustion hits, it’s severe. Last night I got home from a cycling class and dinner with a friend (and Carly who’s visiting!) and I was checked out. I had a theory that these waves come from the nonstop stress of a taxing year now leveling out and my body trying to play catch up or if I’m just doing too much. Maybe I need to audit this, I’m not sure but I’ve never felt this consistently tired in my life.

Aha- a perfect dovetail into the subject I really wanted to talk about today which is….dreams! When I’m in a deep slumber, I wake up and remember my dreams with almost perfect recollection of every detail and an accurate timeline. When I share my often obscure dreams with people, I’m usually met with the response, “I never remember my dreams.” I’ve always attributed my dream recall to having an above average memory which is, as I’ll always say, both a blessing and a curse depending on the day. Anyway, I had an interesting dream that I’ll share here.

With a little background, I’ve had two people in my life tell me the color of my aura either upon meeting me or knowing me for a significant amount of time. Funny enough, both of them said the same color. Coincidence? I’m not sure. But in my dream last night, there was an apartment building party. My neighbor who’s a monk was sitting with me on the couch. We were linked arm and arm talking about things in a very light hearted, warm way when he looked at me and said with confidence that my aura was orange. As you probably guessed, this is the color that the two others said as well. I remember this part of my dream so clearly as if it actually happened to me. And so of course, I looked up auras and colors, etc.

This morning when I woke up, my brother had sent me a quiz to determine which vegetable I was. The quiz was cute and light-hearted and at the end, it revealed I was a carrot. Look at the orange aura, baby! Anyway, I just thought it was funny and right on brand with my orange aura / Monk mash up.

I love remembering my dreams. I love seeing people who aren’t in my life anymore there, too. I like decoding the meaning of a weird dream or spending my morning coffee pondering what it could mean. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I feel lucky to remember them at all. Maybe it won’t always be this way but for now, I enjoy that part of me.

sweet dreams!!

 

this weekend i got to be with people who mean a lot to me, all in one place—my place. i haven’t felt this safe and happy in a long time.

a weekend recap in photos~

i would do just about anything to get another call from her

A friend wrote me a letter and told me she was in a creative/writing rut. Sometimes or rather most times, my best writing comes from a place of depression or despair. Fortunately, I don’t find myself in that place as of now. Funny enough, when we worked together at a previous job, we joked that our best podcast episodes (we hosted a psychology podcast) were about anxiety, depression or something heavy. The shorter, less popular episodes had to do with positivity or gratitude. Interesting…

In the spirit of this, I went to a yoga class in Mitte on Saturday and started crying during Shavasana. I was supposed to meet a friend for this class but I got the day wrong so I found myself there for 75 minutes alone, which was actually pretty nice. As I laid there attempting to lay still, I thought about how this was the perfect Saturday. I had woken up, put on a sweatshirt and my bomber jacket over top, had a cup of coffee and walked Russ around the block on a crisp 60 degree fall morning. Afterwards, I grabbed my yoga mat and took off for my 10:15 class. I laid there and felt so grateful for my favorite season coming, the stillness of this day and the privilege to live in such a cool city. I took an audit of the life I’ve worked hard to build over the past year, the friendships I’ve invested in and how far I’ve come with taking responsibility for my actions and where my life was headed. When the class was finished, I drank a little cup of warm ginger tea and decided where I’d go next.

I rode the tram, which I rarely do, but always enjoy. I like looking out the window at the neighborhoods above ground at a slower speed. I don’t find myself in Prenzlauerberg super often or that side of town so riding the tram in itself is an activity for me. Anywho, I was riding along the streets of Berlin when I found myself facing a woman who had bright red hair with gray roots and a big grin plastered on her face. She started speaking to me in German and luckily I could respond to her basic questions which included, “how are you?” “where are you from” and then we switched the English when it got more complex. She told me she’s lived in Berlin for 53 years and speaks seven languages. She asked if I had mediterranean ancestry because I had an olive skin tone (??) and told me which cities in America she enjoyed the most. I don’t have conversations like this very often in Germany because the culture doesn’t thrive on small talk and even if they did, I can’t keep up confidently in German once it takes a deeper turn. As she was getting off the tram, she told me she was 85 years old. She yelled “in five years, I’ll be 90! can you believe that?!” and she carefully stepped down off the tram, waving to me at the window until the tram sped away.

I stopped at a small coffee shop and got one to go. My phone was about to die so I couldn’t listen to music and that was okay, too. I walked around the neighborhood with my little coffee, enjoying the perfect weather on a beautiful Saturday. I like spending my days like this. I enjoy keeping plans free and not overwhelming myself for the sake of being busy. I get really overwhelmed by making decisions or having lots of things to do out of obligation. What do I even want to be doing? <<– is what I find myself asking when my calendar fills up too quickly. I’m in control of my own life and it took me 32 years to realize that.

I bought two new books while I was visiting Prague. I want to start reading them since I finally finished Norwegian Wood. Towards the end, that one started to hit home more than I could handle. I think I subconsciously put off finishing that book because I was scared of what was waiting for me at the end. On a similar note, I need new music to listen to so if you have anything, please send it my way. I miss sharing music with people, especially the ones who sent me songs that I’d listen to 500 times because they knew I’d like it.

I’ll bring my book along with me for a work trip tomorrow. I’m heading to Cologne for a few days. It’s been a while since the last time I was in Cologne. Maybe I’ll write about that at some point but for now, I’d rather not revisit that memory in my vault. I actually have really fond memories of my times there. One thing I’ll say from my second trip there was: I remember visiting my old office for the first time. I got to meet all my colleagues in real life and I was nervous but excited. Everyone got an uber to go back to the hotel and three of us opted for a walk after the long workday. Our little group walked back together for 20 minutes and laughed the whole time. I felt comfortable and happy. I remember that feeling well.

I digress. See you soon, Köln~