i really want a cool letter opener… like an antique one that’s engraved or something.

i got two letters today from dear friends back home. i can’t wait to read them.

I called my brother and said “guess where I was today?” to which he immediately replied “Berghain.” He was joking and I wasn’t.

My friend Peter wanted to go see a DJ (Phase Fatale) on a Sunday. Usually Sundays are easier to get in since it’s mostly locals. I didn’t anticipate getting in and we had a plan b in place which was to get brunch and sit in the sun after we got the inevitable “heute leider nicht” at the door.

We queued for an hour and watched groups of people get sent on their way. Finally, we got to the door. The bouncer looked us up and down and gave a “ah what the hell” kind of shrug and motioned us inside. Peter and I looked at each other in disbelief and went through.

I don’t really know how to describe the experience but it was even cooler than everyone had told me. It looks like a club/bunker from the underworld. Candles lined the bar since the inside is eternally dark. I grabbed a radler and went to the dance floor. I danced and had my head on a swivel. While I was waiting at the bar, a guy asked me if I was a well-known German climate activist (lol).

To be fair, we do kind of look alike.

Peter and I found a cube and sat down with a water and took in our surroundings. Once we left, my eyes had to readjust to the bright sunny day that existed outside of the bunker walls.

I came home, walked Russ, made something to eat and settled in for the night.

i wish it wasn’t like this

rest in peace to my sweet grandmother, Bo.

i wish i was home to be with my dad.

i’m missing birthdays, weddings, babies being born, funerals, vacations, holidays. life is going on without me at home and years are passing by.

i can’t connect my two lives and sometimes i feel insane.

i get the text “wish you were here” often and i send the same in return. i do wish i was there or they were here. i feel guilty for missing big events. i feel cowardly that i haven’t faced going home. i’ll never see my grandma or brother again and i thought i would. i don’t know how to process these things sometimes.

i’ve been listening to a book about love, friendship and family. some of my connections have strengthened with distance and others have faded away. to the ones who make an effort, i appreciate you more than you know. i need to do the same.

(on this note, i need more international stamps to write to you guys!!)

an ode to the people i wish i was with, too. thank you for expressing that emotion to me when you feel it.

okay i don’t want to brag but i’ve befriended my neighbor who’s an ordained monk. we meet in the hall that connects our apartments and talk on a weekly basis now.

we even exchanged phone numbers!!

ok anyway, the other day i caught him out on the balcony and i saw his flowers were thriving. my last batch died within a few weeks and i was very sad about this. i called over to him and asked what his secret was and he said with a straight face, “i water them.” and then he started laughing.

for some reason this very simple, direct answer tickled me but also forced me to look at all the other areas of my life where the answer is very simple. why do i over complicate everything?

he’s cool. i enjoy having him next door. our apartments are unique, too, because we’re the only floor with two units like this. the keepers of the building, so to say.

I’ve been keeping myself free of any plans, even on the weekends. I’ve been joining things spontaneously if/when it feels good. I’m not bored at all, either. A friend asked me what’s new as she’s been out of town and I said “hmmm not much. just running and hanging out with Russ.” I love not having a lot to report and that’s usually my baseline. This past year was the exception and now we’re back to our regularly scheduled program.

Spending time in my own space—on my balcony reading, at my table eating dinner or watching a movie with Russ is what my life is all about. My apartment feels like a cozy haven and my neighborhood is an extension of that. I’m being much more selective and reserved with my time (for once in my life) and it’s given me energy and a sense of intentionality.

This past weekend, I made one solid plan which was to meet my new friend for a photo exhibition that would be closing within a few days. Her and I have similar taste in movies, music and activities. She dropped out of nowhere and I feel grateful to have showed up to our first friend date, even if I wasn’t feeling up to it at the time. We met at the Delphi Lux for a late night showing of I Saw the TV Glow. Afterwards, we got a drink and sat outside. We immediately clicked and I decided right then and there that I would be sure to put forth effort into seeing her regularly. So, we made plans to go see this American photographer’s exhibition at C/O Berlin, a place I haven’t been to in almost a year where I saw another American photographer’s work on display.

Afterwards, we got an eis and walked through Charlottenburg, her old neighborhood. We eventually made our way to the Schloss and walked all throughout the grounds while we talked about places we’d traveled, books we’d read and our latest fitness routines. As I walked through the manicured grounds, I felt guilty Russell wasn’t with me. I felt even more guilt when I saw the animals roaming freely knowing he would have the time of his life there. I made a mental note to walk him to the palace on a cooler day so he could enjoy himself thoroughly. After our long walk and talk, we stopped to grab a bite to eat and sit outside. We talked about meditation retreats and her upcoming yoga teacher training. It made me revisit the idea of finishing my yoga teacher training sometime in the winter… we’ll see.

The day before, I left my schedule wide open to the possibilities of doing whatever I wanted. Peter texted me and asked if I’d like to do a 10k run with him through Tempelhof and that sounded good to me so I agreed. He came to pick me up and off we went. We ran and talked for an hour before concluding our run at a coffee shop with a large pastry and a hafermilch capp. Then, we decided to walk for a bit because the weather was particularly nice and we weren’t exhausted from the run. We eventually parted ways, knowing we would meet up a few hours later for a dreaded Ikea trip. I went home, took Russ on another walk, sat on the balcony with him and took a little nap. Then it was time to haul myself across town to help Peter with his Ikea run, my least favorite activity on a Saturday but a favor for a friend in need.

The trams weren’t running due to a demonstration/parade so I arrived at Alexanderplatz feeling a little defeated. I quickly grabbed a bike and set off in the direction of his new apartment. I was impressed at my ability to navigate Berlin with a sense of direction I didn’t consciously know I had. I rode down the street with a nice breeze and the frustration I felt initially quickly went away. Now, I’ll spare you the details of our Ikea run but cut to the part where we had to carry a couch to his fifth floor attic apartment. To my surprise, it wasn’t all that bad. He started to scream PIVOT and this broke my focus a tad and made me laugh. Anyway, it was important to me that he got his stuff upstairs and could start to feel comfortable in his space. I know what it’s like to not feel settled in your space and how unnerving it can feel. We did as much as we could on this Saturday night and we parted ways at a stoplight waving from across the street.

I got home and as always, immediately grabbed Russell’s leash and out we went. He was so happy to see me when I got home and buried his face into my shoulder. I decided that despite my exhaustion and 35k steps that day, we’d go for a decent walk around the neighborhood and I’d attempt to stay awake with him for a while. And I did. We watched TV together on the couch and he quickly fell asleep with his feet twitching, making little whimpering noises. I always assume he feels safe to fall into a deep sleep once I’m home. The feeling is mutual when I have him by my side, too.

Fast forward to now, the middle of the week and I’ll see my new friend again tonight for a free concert series. Tomorrow I have therapy across town and Friday, I leave for Prague. I’ll try to work a run, spin class and a strength class in there if I have the energy.

We’ll seeeeeee!

every few days or so i have the same realization about living in a foreign country that i do about having a dog. for some reason i’m like an observer of my own life and forget i have a dog that i’ve taken care of every day of my life for 9 years. i then pause and think how insane that is. my whole life has revolved around his well-being for nearly a decade and at this point it’s just what i’m used to. i don’t even know who i would be as an adult without Russ. i’m writing this as i walk to the pet store on my lunch break with a backpack so i can load up on his food for the week. 

i’m taking a cute, lil holiday this weekend and he’ll have a dog sitter. this is my life! he’s the king. i’m looking forward to getting out of town for a weekend and spending quality time with my favorite person.