i feel like i’ve been hit by a bus

When we first moved to Germany in the fall of 2022, we lived in a sublet in the quiet Othmarschen neighborhood of Hamburg. We had a large attic apartment with a cute balcony. Every morning, we’d get up and make a coffee with a bowl of müsli. We’d sit in our little chairs and watch the news or an episode of a TV show on our laptop.

For lunch, I’d walk to the tiny neighborhood grocery store and get soup and a baguette. At night, we’d walk through the nautical mansions and it would be so eerily quiet you could hear people talking inside their homes. We’d lay on the couch in the second bedroom with our hot water bottles and watch Wednesday since it had just come out or Forumla 1 races on Sundays. At night, we’d huddle together in bed since the apartment was freezing. Weekends were for exploring. Russ wasn’t here yet so our walks were intentional and planned. We’d go to the park and sit or have a hot chocolate.

I love thinking about that time. Everything was new and an adventure. Despite feeling lost or homesick upon arriving, I felt safe and comfortable in this apartment. I was genuinely sad when we left. I got film developed from 2022 and there is a photo that perfectly encapsulates that period of time.

For today, I present a handful of memories from that tiny attic sublet.

 

there are a few movies i’ve watched and felt the resounding “woah” afterwards. they are usually movies i’ve watched with Ryan because he has great taste and range.

after therapy and work last night, russ and i sat on the newly decorated balcony on our makeshift pallet sofa. i made pad thai for dinner and fell asleep immediately after eating it. i woke up and russ was also sound asleep.

i decided we’d walk over to Edeka and get a few things before they closed. it was a nice, somewhat chilly night. i was out of fruit and as a consolation for waiting for me, i got him a little salami treat. we took the long way home and walked by everyone having cocktails or smoking along the streets of our neighborhood.

when i got home i cleaned up my space and turned on the new lights in my living room which were an unexpected, much-appreciated gift from earlier that day. i lit some vanilla candles and decided to finally watch a movie i had on my list since it came out. for the last year i definitely wasn’t in the head space to enjoy it and i lacked the focus to give it the attention it deserved.

oh boy… The Worst Person in the World is one of the best movies i’ve seen in a very long time. i have a lot to say about this but i’m not sure i’ve sorted it out completely. the movie was relatable, raw, and honest. indecision and restlessness are two things i struggled with for most of my twenties…it often resulted in adventure but also self-sabotage. nonetheless, the urge or sensation to blow things up or step into the unknown remained.

now i’m listening to this and thinking about that movie. i could listen to that song on a 24 hour loop if i’m being honest.

beautiful movie!!

i used to think i hated routine and structure when i was younger but to some degree i’ve always craved it. i like stability and order when it comes to my day to day life.

anywho, i go to therapy every Thursday afternoon. when i’m done, i enjoy my little walk back to the ubahn. i always stop for a snack at the Bio store and eat it as i listen to music.

i don’t know why i’m mentioning this but i’m a creature of habit with these things and it brings me comfort. today i’ll opt for a drink, a vegan sausage and maybe some popcorn.

curating routines, celebrating holidays, living within the confines of stability… where i feel the most content.

on rotation today

fall is near!!

starting today, i’ll be posting memories from the archive.

today, i’m remembering a fall day in Berkeley. this was peak pandemic and the day it was announced that Joe Biden would be president. adam and I took the bike out to celebrate and get donuts.

i love this memory. and i miss california.