I took a road trip almost nine years ago to visit my friends in Florida. Instead of going through Tennessee, Georgia then Florida, I took the long route. I woke up super early, serpentined through the Smoky Mountains and went through Tennessee, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, then Florida. It was such a pretty drive and despite being almost 10 hours, it’s one of my favorites I’ve done solo.
On that Saturday morning I listened to a playlist I was working on called Classics. I put all sorts of stuff on there ranging from Motörhead to Steve Winwood, Eddie Money, Van Halen and Queen. I was on a classic rock kick during the fall of 2015 and this was largely due to the fact that I listened to this music with the close friends I was on my way to visit.
Anyway, a lot of songs from that playlist make me think of October 2015. As I was driving that morning with a large coffee in the cup holder, Gypsy came on shuffle. I was thinking about how everything was coming together and as I looked around, I realized I was going to miss him while I was away only for the weekend. I had never felt that way before, not really.
And I did miss him. So when I hear that song, I think of him, and us and a crisp fall morning in the mountains driving by myself.
I had a long talk with my neighbor the other day who happens to be a Buddhist monk. I talked to him about quieting the mind and finding ways to swat away intrusive thoughts and he told me he struggles with this too. He said the key isn’t to eliminate them but how we respond to them which makes the most sense. I feel really comforted by sharing a wall with him. He refers to karmic actions quite often when we talk and I’ve been keeping this in my mind as I navigate through my days.
This morning I woke up early and went to an early yoga/mediation class. The meditation segment was 15-20 minutes long and I found myself so deep into the process (for once) that my eyelids were fluttering which is what brought me back to the moment. After a solid year of a fast racing, uncomfortable mind, it felt really nice to sit in silence and attempt to dull the static in my head.
We chanted a mantra at the end and it had to do with empowerment and self worth. Today for the first time in a long time, I actually believed what I was saying and putting out into the universe.
schönen tag noch ~
i feel like i’ve been hit by a bus
When we first moved to Germany in the fall of 2022, we lived in a sublet in the quiet Othmarschen neighborhood of Hamburg. We had a large attic apartment with a cute balcony. Every morning, we’d get up and make a coffee with a bowl of müsli. We’d sit in our little chairs and watch the news or an episode of a TV show on our laptop.
For lunch, I’d walk to the tiny neighborhood grocery store and get soup and a baguette. At night, we’d walk through the nautical mansions and it would be so eerily quiet you could hear people talking inside their homes. We’d lay on the couch in the second bedroom with our hot water bottles and watch Wednesday since it had just come out or Forumla 1 races on Sundays. At night, we’d huddle together in bed since the apartment was freezing. Weekends were for exploring. Russ wasn’t here yet so our walks were intentional and planned. We’d go to the park and sit or have a hot chocolate.
I love thinking about that time. Everything was new and an adventure. Despite feeling lost or homesick upon arriving, I felt safe and comfortable in this apartment. I was genuinely sad when we left. I got film developed from 2022 and there is a photo that perfectly encapsulates that period of time.
For today, I present a handful of memories from that tiny attic sublet.
there are a few movies i’ve watched and felt the resounding “woah” afterwards. they are usually movies i’ve watched with Ryan because he has great taste and range.
after therapy and work last night, russ and i sat on the newly decorated balcony on our makeshift pallet sofa. i made pad thai for dinner and fell asleep immediately after eating it. i woke up and russ was also sound asleep.
i decided we’d walk over to Edeka and get a few things before they closed. it was a nice, somewhat chilly night. i was out of fruit and as a consolation for waiting for me, i got him a little salami treat. we took the long way home and walked by everyone having cocktails or smoking along the streets of our neighborhood.
when i got home i cleaned up my space and turned on the new lights in my living room which were an unexpected, much-appreciated gift from earlier that day. i lit some vanilla candles and decided to finally watch a movie i had on my list since it came out. for the last year i definitely wasn’t in the head space to enjoy it and i lacked the focus to give it the attention it deserved.
oh boy… The Worst Person in the World is one of the best movies i’ve seen in a very long time. i have a lot to say about this but i’m not sure i’ve sorted it out completely. the movie was relatable, raw, and honest. indecision and restlessness are two things i struggled with for most of my twenties…it often resulted in adventure but also self-sabotage. nonetheless, the urge or sensation to blow things up or step into the unknown remained.
now i’m listening to this and thinking about that movie. i could listen to that song on a 24 hour loop if i’m being honest.
beautiful movie!!
i used to think i hated routine and structure when i was younger but to some degree i’ve always craved it. i like stability and order when it comes to my day to day life.
anywho, i go to therapy every Thursday afternoon. when i’m done, i enjoy my little walk back to the ubahn. i always stop for a snack at the Bio store and eat it as i listen to music.
i don’t know why i’m mentioning this but i’m a creature of habit with these things and it brings me comfort. today i’ll opt for a drink, a vegan sausage and maybe some popcorn.
curating routines, celebrating holidays, living within the confines of stability… where i feel the most content.