I’m finally back in Berlin after the longest travel day I’ve experienced in a long time. While I was on the plane to Paris, I wrote a draft essay about my time in St. Maarten but I realized it was nonsensical and didn’t follow a theme. To some degree, it was a good form of catharsis and an okay stab at a first draft. So here I am, again, attempting to convey my thoughts from some much-needed time away.

If I could bottle up a feeling, it would be the one of walking through the doors in the morning to the people you love, already awake with an empty mug waiting to be filled with your first cup of coffee. Every morning for a week, I woke up to another beautiful sunny day on an island with the people I love in one place, ready to share a cup of coffee together.

Quality time is my number one love language. A good cup of coffee is my second. I’ve always craved and appreciated true quality time with people I care about. I could have been anywhere with them but I was extremely fortunate to be in a familiar place where I find comfort in past memories accompanied by a stunning landscape. It’s hard to explain but it feels like home in a different way. They make anywhere feel like home to me.

When I got off the plane, it felt like opening an oven door. There were wafts of hot air and humidity that remind you exactly where you are. And as I walked through the arrival doors, there they were. A resounding “KENDAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLL” rang out and I let my suitcase go rolling on its own. Seeing them felt like a healing exhale which released the final bit of grief I had been holding on to throughout a year of healing. I hugged each of them so tight and experienced immediate relief from seeing them stand in front of me. This was a moment I had dreamed of for months and it was just as special as I predicted it would be.

We picked up as if no time had passed at all. We shared meals, swam in the ocean, laughed, played pickle ball, walked along the beach, watched movies together and clinked glasses every time we had a drink. I found myself crying throughout the trip but truly from overwhelm of the happy emotions I felt brimming over. I haven’t felt that much joy or happiness consistently since I moved to Germany and it was apparent to me in the safety I felt immediately in their presence.

I could go through the trip day by day but I won’t do that. Instead, I’ll revisit three memories with different people over the course of the trip. Days that I would categorize as perfect in the sense that I felt whole when they ended.

soleil et liberté

Carly and I decided to go to the French side of the island for a different speed. We set our sights on Orient Bay where we could spend the day on the quiet beaches staring out at the sparkling turquoise water. I brought my film camera and a bottle of Prosseco along. Sun bathing topless while drinking cold sparkling wine is a real luxury. Compounded with the company of my best friend beside me, I couldn’t imagine a more pleasant day. We talked about all sorts of things and embraced feeling comfortable in our own skin. I took candid photos of Carly on the beach because she looked so confident and beautiful. She’s come a long way in that regard and in certain moments, it radiates off of her. I hoped to capture that.

I’d look over and see her smiling with her eyes closed. She seemed so peaceful and happy, just like me. We jumped into the ocean when it got too hot and let the day progress as we pleased. Afterwards, we moved over to Grand Case where we went to a floating bar in the middle of the ocean. Feeling a little sun drunk and prosecco tipsy, I laid on the raft and stared back at Grand Case. I remember coming to that pier for the first time when I was 23 and feeling my stomach drop when I looked over the edge knowing I would need to jump. I looked at the restaurants that overlooked the water and remembered getting dressed up and going on a romantic date there. Then I looked back to the bar where Carly was standing with two beers in her hand, swelling with pride. I had tears in my eyes as I laughed and watched her attempt to walk on the floating raft while essentially falling into the water. At times, we sat in silence and others, we talked about whatever came to our minds. Later, the bartender brought us a pizza and we laid together drinking our beers, eating our pizza and watching the planes fly by.

No noise in my head. No overthinking. No beating myself up. Simply enjoying a beautiful day with my best friend.

four decades

Lynn and Rich were celebrating their 40th anniversary this year. To celebrate, we went to a French restaurant that hung over the side of the ocean. We ordered a bottle of wine and cheers’ed to their many years together and the ones to come. Lynn turned to Rich and asked what his favorite decade was of their marriage. They talked about all the good things that have happened to them as a married couple and found themselves unable to pick a particular decade as each one was unique with its own set of pros and cons. They reached for each other’s hand throughout the night and Rich would kiss Lynn on the cheek. At one point, I found myself crying like a faucet. I did my best to conceal my emotions but I had reached a breaking point. As a kid who never saw their parents hold hands, kiss one another or even like each other, it gives me immense hope to see these two love each other in the way they do. I’m inspired by them as people but also as a couple and the family they’ve built. Their optimism in life and particularly finding light in the small things is something I find myself routing my brain to when I’m struggling. When we walked to the car, Rich moved Lynn to the inside of the street—a true gentleman. We got to the car and he opened both Lynn and I’s doors.

 

I’ve never met two people who I’d very much like to emulate. Their selflessness, patience and unconditional love is that of sainthood. I feel very lucky to pay such close witness to it all these years.

the black cat & golden retriever

We took a sunset cruise and there was wine. . . and lots of rum punch. We listened to music, laughed, talked and watched the island as we sailed along. It was a nice, warm night but I was still tired from my travels the day before. As we rode back to our hotel, I looked at him and he looked at me. I gave him a smile that’s been reserved for him for a decade. One that signals everything I need to say without saying a word. We’ve always been good at communicating through our expressions and particularly our eyes. When things were hard or there weren’t words, we’d press our foreheads together in silence. It was our own way of connecting. He could tell from my smile and eyes that I was hungry and tired. He squeezed my hand to let me know the message was received.

We walked along the dimly lit path to solve my hunger issue. We stopped to talk to each other and I really looked at him. I’ve seen so many versions of him over the years and he’s simultaneously different and the same. For the first time in a year, I saw him again.

We found a place to grab a pizza and the guy working told us our dynamic was interesting. He said labeled me the black cat and him the golden retriever. I’ve never really thought of us that way and I’m not sure I agree but it was an interesting observation from a stranger. We ordered our mushroom pizza and drunkenly carried it to our room. We ate our pizza in bed and found a pack of chips ahoy cookies to eat, too. I laid my head on his chest and looked up at him as he smiled chewing on a cookie. I told him how happy I was to not feel angry or upset anymore. Holding on to anger for a person you love is a horrible feeling. I’ve wanted to release it for quite some time.

back to berlin

And then it was just Lynn, Rich and I. We sat at a beachside bar having our last Carib together. I’m always grateful for the moments I have with just the two of them. We talked about when we’d see each other next, and all the times before. They stood at the gate and the three of us hugged while I sobbed, not wanting to let go. I didn’t want to leave them, not again. They stood at the window until my plane took off and I know in my heart Lynn was still waving knowing I wouldn’t be able to actually see her. That’s the kind of mom she is. She asked two stores in the airport if they carried goldfish so I’d have my favorite snack to take back to Germany with me. I miss them already.

I got back to Berlin without sleeping for nearly 24 hours. I couldn’t even take a nap when I got home. It was sunny and hot outside so I dipped into the Späti for an ice cream. I circled my neighborhood while eating my ice cream sorting through the emotions and feelings I had while also wanting to stretch my legs from all the sitting and traveling I had just done.

I’m grateful to have people in my life who feel like home.

texas forever

It was a weird day in Berlin weather wise. I woke up to a hot, muggy summer day with sunshine and clear blue skies. Within the hour, it got pitch black and the wind picked up. Poor Russ isn’t a fan of thunderstorms but I’ve missed them, especially in the summer.

I lit a vanilla candle and wrapped Russ in a soft blanket. I made a cup of coffee and stood in my kitchen watching the storm get progressively worse. It was only here for an hour or so but I enjoyed the change of pace.

I tackled some work projects and had a good focus block. On my lunch break, I started packing for my trip. This is the furthest I’ve gone from Germany (or Europe) since I moved here. I’m oddly prepared for this trip days in advance and have everything aligned well so far. I’ll even see my therapist tomorrow before I go. I made a list of the things I’d like to talk to her about and where I feel stuck right now. She lets me talk, or ramble rather, then she detects certain patterns or themes in my emotions and stories.

She asked some questions that really resonated with me in our last session. I’ve been thinking about them since. I’ve gone for walks and thought through them at length and journaled about them. Together, we’re working on a plan for how I can see myself in a better light and find a way to make peace with my mistakes and shortcomings. I’ve written apologies I won’t send because they wouldn’t be received well, I’d guess. It was healing to write them nonetheless.

St. Maarten

And then, in two days, I’ll be off to St. Maarten! I have pictured myself coming around the corner at the airport terminal for quite some time. I can’t wait to collapse into the arms of people who love me unconditionally, who I haven’t seen in too long. I can’t wait to wake up at 7 am and have a coffee on the deck with them or have a beer while looking out to the ocean. I know I won’t want to leave but I’ll wait until I deal with that thought.

deutsch lernen

I’ve been in German class tonight. I took a pause (ich mache eine kleine Pause) from writing this when I sat down in my seat and directed my attention to the German language for 1.5 hours…as I do every Monday and Wednesday evening. I’ll have to miss my classes next week and despite being on vacation, I’m kind of bummed. I enjoy riding my bike to school after work and seeing my classmates.

They’re all really nice.

They serve us little cookies and tea. The atmosphere is pretty chill and I feel confident speaking and asking questions. It’s also nice going back to learn the grammar and articles properly because that’s definitely not my strong suit.

Anywho, it was my last class before vacation. I looked at the calendar today and I think I’ll stay in classes until the end of the year. I like the structure, working slowly towards a goal and at that rate, I would actually be in a B1 level where I can talk to my coworkers. Time will tell.

writing again

And here I am, writing again. I’m consistently updating my website and blowing through rolls of film. I’m creating playlists for different moods. I’m finding ways to express myself again. Writing has always been my refuge. Even if it’s nonsensical at times or if nobody reads it, it feels good to do it and that’s what it’s all about.

I just got home and it’s raining again. Russ jumped up on the couch next to me because he’s scared of the thunder. I’ll make something to eat, book my tickets to France and call it a night.

a weird weather day in Berlin~

“Most people go through their whole lives, without ever really feeling that close with anyone.”

three more sleeps until I’m reunited with my favorite people

When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad

The weather was very odd this past Saturday night. It was kind of chilly with warm gusts of wind and a clear, yet ominous sky. I committed to staying in on this night because I ran 9 miles (14k) in the morning and had a cycling class first thing on Sunday. I had the whole evening planned out which included watching a movie I’d been wanting to see, a nice dinner and a walk with Russ. These things changed a little when my brother came downstairs.

My brother has one of the most interesting lives of anyone I’ve ever met. He has friends all over the world. Ones he’s met in person and ones who exist solely on the internet. I could listen to him tell stories for hours because like my dad, he’s a good storyteller. Anyway, on this particular night, he decided to take mushrooms and go exploring. He asked if he could come talk to me before he left which turned into a nice night between the two of us.

I won’t say much because it isn’t my place to share what we talked about in detail but he did say a few things that really stuck with me. I could tell he was in good energy and feeling very expressive and raw in his emotions especially as it pertains to friendships and relationships. For the past while, I’ve been a little removed and quiet while moving through life. It’s been peaceful and calm but has left me siloed from social outings for the time being. I’ve appreciated our nightly walks together and how our relationship has evolved over the past year. I really depended on him emotionally and he was very patient with me.

While he was downstairs with Russ and I, we talked about all sorts of topics ranging from our childhood memories to movies and owing money to the utilities company. I know I’ve said this often and I’ll continue saying it but there’s something very special and unique about living in the same building as my brother. When I wake up and realize I live on another continent, I remember he’s three stories above me and it reminds me that everything will be okay. When I’m out late or doing something and he texts me to say he checked on Russ and put on classical music for him, I feel like this is my home.

Anyway, as we sat in my living room, Ryan told me how hard it was to watch me endure the last year. He told me how worried both he and my dad were about me and knew it would take time for me to find my footing. He said he had never quite seen me like that and knew it would take time. Then, he complimented me on my progress and told me things about my personality and nature from the vantage point of someone who has been close to me my entire life. He reminded me of my core elements—things that make me, me. I never realized how he saw me but what I’ve always appreciated is that he treats me not only like his sister but a friend, too. He said I had a “rich interior life” and I wondered what he meant by that.

My relationships with people over this past year have changed a lot. I’ve had to depend on people close to me and that’s outside of my comfort zone. I think about how grateful I am for the support I received and how it’s my turn to give that back where I can. As corny as it sounds, I wrote an entire page in my journal yesterday about everything I was grateful for. Literally, it read “I’m grateful for ______ ” 20 times over. It reminded me of a letter I once received from a friend where they wrote two pages of all the “Kendall-isms” they loved. Some of them were funny and even 10+ years later, they haven’t changed all that much.