october 2015: one of the best months of my life

ich liebe mango eis

I was listening to my playlist yesterday while I was feeling more homesick than usual for a person who doesn’t consider themselves very patriotic. I added “Come Sail Away” to the line-up and let it play all the way through. I kind of avoid listening to Styx and there’s a reason for that. Anyway, I listened to the whole song yesterday and it reminded me of one of my bittersweet memories, thus the avoidance.

Fun fact: Tommy Shaw’s daughter went to my high school. I always thought that was cool…

Any who, I was 17 at the time and life was very difficult and heavy you could say. I was battling an untreated major depressive episode and operating on fumes more or less. I lost my best friend the year prior and I didn’t handle it well—whatever that means. I always had a close relationship with her dad and found him to be one of the kindest people with an incredibly soft side. He was funny and encouraged us to be kids. He’d take us on his jobs as a contractor and let us paint walls in exchange for spending money. We’d ride in his work van to the ice cream shop and he’d let us hang our heads outside of the window while we screamed the lyrics to Paradise City or Fat Bottomed Girls. When his daughter died, I’d visit him every week to check on him. He’d come to the coffee shop where I worked and bring me dinner. We’d sit outside on my lunch break and eat the “Kendall” dinner he packed. It would be vegetable soup, a side of mashed potatoes, pickles, a boiled artichoke and sometimes, macaroni and cheese. He’d bring the meal in a little cooler and he’d endure this weird meal with me just for the company.

The summer in-between my junior and senior year, he got tickets to see Styx at the outdoor concert venue nearby. He asked me if I wanted to go and I was stoked. He told me to be ready at 5pm sharp and he’d come pick me up at my house. On that day, I looked out my window and saw him standing out of the sunroof of a limo with his arms spread wide. Turns out he had a client who owed him a favor so he insisted we rode to the Styx concert in style. Not only did we ride in the limo to the concert but he took me out to dinner before we went, too. He took me to Cracker Barrel which in hindsight is more hilarious than it was at the time. I loved Cracker Barrel at 17 years old and so that’s where he took me to eat. If you’re unfamiliar, Cracker Barrel is not a place where you’d find limo parking… lol

We went to the Styx concert and we sang along to every song. I can still remember seeing him feel joy which made me happier than I could have imagined. For a man who endured cruel loss, he had a night where he enjoyed himself again. I, myself, felt this same feeling this year at the Fred Again concert. A core memory of mine where for the first time in a long while, I felt I could enjoy myself and exhale.

Anyway, here’s to Styx and Mr. Beach, my two old friends.

It’s funny how life can pick up with an intensity that you weren’t expecting. Things have changed massively for me in the past few weeks and I’m stunned with how you can move from a frozen state to full on momentum in a short span of time. But alas, here we are!

I always joke that my friend Lea is the busiest person I know. Getting into her schedule is nearly impossible and yet, she squeezed me in for an overnight visit this weekend—I’m thrilled. It will be so nice to visit Lüneburg and see one of my favorite people before I, too, become the busiest person in the world.

I did an audit of my calendar today and it’s quite full! Not only is it full but it’s organized and planned out….?? I’m skeptical as I’ve spent the past year unable to commit to any plans or follow-through on almost anything which resulted in me feeling constantly miserable and worse, rountinely letting people down. In the following months, I will visit several countries, ones I’ve been to previously and ones I haven’t. I’m looking forward to the travel both professional and personal. My life finally feels like it has balance and I can actually look forward to things again.

On a weekly basis, I’ve got the cadence down pat. I’ve finally found a therapist to see IN PERSON if you can believe it. I instantly connected with her and look forward to our sessions. She’s kind, patient and asks me questions I need to be thinking about. She challenges me and that’s what I was hoping for in a therapist. I’m going to my German classes twice a week and studying my vocabulary outside of the classroom. I’m running and doing my fitness classes on a consistent basis. I schedule social activities within reason and don’t extend myself or overbook. I’m busy but in a healthy way, if that makes sense?

Last night I decided to do a 95 minute yoga class with my free evening. I was feeling sore as hell from my run and I had a lot on my mind…what else is new. Despite not really wanting to go by the time the class rolled around, I went anyway. I found my thoughts taking me down an unproductive path but did my best to stay in the moment despite the intrusive thought pattern. As I looked around the beautiful yoga studio situated in an Altbau with big windows, plants, and crown molding, I had the evergreen thought or realization of how lucky I am. Things have been challenging at times but I couldn’t help but express my gratitude for the ability to move my body, push it to limits and do so in a beautiful country and setting where I have the freedom to live and work.

In Savasana, aka the corpse pose, I laid there with my eyes closed, completely still. I thought about how life was coming full circle again and how the things I hoped for were finally happening. I thought back to moments from my weekend and how it makes my heart expand. I thought about the feeling of unconditional love both giving and receiving. I thought of how much I missed him. Then, I stopped thinking all together. I felt the hands of the yoga teacher on my shoulders as she massaged them as a gentle reminder to release the stress. I took a big exhale and released the tension. A moment of stillness before my life picks up again.

On the docket for the next two months:

• St. Maarten
• Karlsruhe
• Strasbourg/Colmar
• Brussels
• Lucerne
• Düsseldorf
• Cologne

And last but not least…. the Camino! I’ll be doing a four day stretch on the Camino most likely the Camino Francés. I’ve been talking about doing this for years and this will be a good bookend to the journey I’ve been on, I think. My best friend, Carly, will come too.

Aus we gooooooooo

Why are the mornings still the hardest part?

i laid here listening to this on repeat