I have more to say about this but for now I’ll just say I had one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long time. I felt like myself. I laughed and smiled for three days straight. I thought about people, memories and stories I haven’t thought about in quite some time. I felt like I was home. I’ve missed home.

I’ve learned a lot in a years time. I think about the pain I’ve felt and the pain I’ve caused every day. Some of it I can’t make right but I wish I could. You’ll never know how badly I wish I could.

on rotation

Some months ago, I sat in a cafe with someone as we talked about the current state of our lives. They looked at me square in the face and told me my life was a mess. At the time, I took offense to that comment because a. I didn’t ask their opinion and b. it seemed harsh considering I was fighting an uphill battle and doing my best. Nonetheless, in many regards they weren’t wrong, especially as it pertained to boundaries or interpersonal relationships.

The funny thing is, my life isn’t a mess at all. It’s actually pretty straightforward and maybe too calm/structured these days. For most of the year I’ve felt like I was suspended in a free fall but now everything has settled and my life has discipline and purpose. I’m working towards multiple personal goals (running my half-marathon, learning German twice a week) and getting settled in my new job. My house is organized, I’m eating healthy. I’m reading and listening to audiobooks. I have trips planned. I have a nice schedule and routine with Russell. I’ve picked up my camera again and made it a habit to take it with me to the park and on my lunchtime walks. I’m writing again and working on my substack. I’m doing my best to take ownership and atone for my messiness and inappropriate behavior during a very stressful time in my life.

What more could you really ask for out of life on a day-to-day basis?

I’m genuinely so thankful for the support system I have in my life and for the people who were patient with me this past year. I’m indebted to my closest allies who showed up for me and lifted me up when I needed a hand. I’m finally in a position to give back to those friendships and relationships which gives me immense relief.

The summer solstice is coming and as corny as it sounds, I feel the metaphor strongly. It’s the longest day and the shortest night of the year. I finally feel like my life is outweighed by the light rather than the dark.

I was in Europe during the summer solstice in 2018—Italy to be specific. I was on a work trip but that night we went into town for the summer solstice celebration and to grab dinner. I remember sitting with my colleagues Juan and Walter, both at the time were at least twice my age. They told me they wanted to expose me to as much authentic Italian culture as they could on my trip and explained the importance of the summer solstice. We spent the longest day of the year together drinking wine on cute street in a small Italian town talking about life and how complicated it can be at times. Moreover though, those two men told me how simple it can be, too. That if you look at it head on and prioritize accordingly, it can all be straight-forward, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

der sommer kommt~

 

in a few weeks, I’ll be fleeing the European continent. Here’s a look back at SXM, a place that is very special to me.

I heard a quote recently that said “making easy decisions leads to a hard life…but making hard decisions leads to an easy life.” I thought about this a lot and some of the frustrations I have with my own life. My tendency is to go towards easier decisions, both big and small. Decision making has never been my strong suit and I get easily overwhelmed by the process. I often second guess myself or enlist too many decision makers for their input. Then, somewhere along the way, I can’t determine what my original or genuine feelings towards the subject were. I digress.

Making easy decisions has inevitably made my life much harder without me knowing it. I’m aware that small decisions add up to large ones but when I actually audit the decisions I make every day I realize that I could easily alter the outcome with a few adjustments.

If I’m being honest with myself, I’ve been hibernating in a depression cave. This tends to happen from time to time and I’m always aware of the turn I take downhill. It usually comes off the heels of a few hyper productive days and then a big crash. I’ve been so busy with work and personal plans/goals that I finally succumbed to wearing sweatpants, staying inside, not cooking for myself and watching TV.

Every morning when I wake up, I send Carly a voice memo. I tell her what I’m up to, my plans for the day or something that’s been blocking my mind. Today, I told her I found myself stuck in this depressive rut, unable to get moving. As I talked myself through this problem, I referred to the quote regarding easy and hard decisions and made the conscious decision to turn my day around. I got home, took out the trash, did some laundry, got to working on a work-related project with hyper focus,  ran a 5k at lunch and finished my German class homework. All of the sudden, I felt better and hopeful.

I’ve always had a trickier time with hard decisions when it comes to closing doors or severing ties. When I’ve shared a connection with someone, it’s not so straight forward to me. My intentional is never ill with maintaining it, but I don’t always have the strength to let it disappear unceremoniously. It’s a skill I need to sharpen but my care or affection for a person doesn’t vanish overnight. I simply don’t operate like that. IF I could make those decisions, it would in fact make my life easier. I don’t mean to be disruptive or burdensome, in fact that’s always the opposite of my goal. But I do find myself at times left sitting with unanswered questions which leaves me in decision limbo.

I ended my voice memo to Carly saying how excited I was to be taking a break soon. I’m really looking forward to getting away and out of Berlin for a bit. I haven’t left with intention to rest and rejuvenate myself or mind for a year. In hindsight, I’m glad I finally made the call to take this trip.

Easy decisions, hard life. Hard decisions, easy life.

little body, big emotions

Yesterday was my first day of German classes! As nerdy as it sounds, I was so excited to start class again. My class is small and everyone was really nice. I like the idea of having somewhere to be two nights a week- it’s oddly comforting.

After my class, I went across the street to a bar in Bergmannkiez to watch Austria vs. France. I met my friend Lars there who wanted to watch the game together since he’s an Austria fan and lived in Vienna for several years. Then, my other friend Peter showed up and it was a nice night overall.

Austria lost, of course. This was the best Monday night I’ve had in a while if I think about it.

Bonus: When I got home, I checked my mail and had surprise dried mangoes in my mailbox. Because I have zero self-control, I tore into them immediately as I did my last night loop with Russ.

I’ve always had this crippling fear that I’ll miss a fate or destiny that was meant for me. I’m afraid that if I don’t hold on tight or steer the ship that way, it will go off track. I have little faith in things working out the way they were supposed to without my interference. But deep down I know this isn’t true. It’s just hard to let go and maintain this kind of faith.

I often picture myself as an old woman. I think about the core memories I’ll revisit in my brain and what they will mean to me. Who will I think of? What time periods will I miss? Most of this hasn’t even happened yet, I realize. But I think about these things as I make decisions or allow people to enter or exit my life. Relationships and friendships have a deep significance to me and I find it hard to part ways with the impactful ones. I look back on a lot of things in my life with regret and remorse. I think of all the things I wish I had done differently or things I wish I had said. I have so many feelings, emotions and opinions on things that I rarely voice. I wish I did more.

I’m reading a book that’s written from the point of view of a man remembering his past, something like 20 years prior. He can recall girls he dated, friends he had, conversations that took place with complete clarity. As an older man, he can reflect on the decisions he made as a younger person and how it led him to where he is now. I think about things like this to the point of freezing myself. I’m so scared to take a step forward and alter the course of what’s meant to be that I don’t take a step at all.

I guess that’s my burden to bear.