Maybe I’m just feeling nostalgic these days but right now but I’m walking through Alexanderplatz which is essentially a sewer. I avoid transferring through here at all costs because it’s massive, gross and touristy. Today my route led me here so I’ll try to take my negative feelings about this place and channel them into some good memories instead. How’s that for reframing?

When I was walking through the SBahn portion of the station, I remembered running frantically through these halls on the morning of the Berlin marathon in September. I was here to meet my best friend, Carly, who flew over an entire ocean to see me. She didn’t have cell phone service and there wasn’t a way to get in touch with her. I remember standing on a random platform looking all around when a train moved and there she was. This moment lives in the core memories. The relief and joy I felt to see her standing there… a feeling I can’t even put into words.

And a few months later, Peter would turn 36. His birthday is on Valentine’s Day and I find that to be adorable. I woke up early that morning and brought him donuts and we celebrated another year of Peter! He had to go to work so I rode the u2 with him to Alexanderplatz. On his own birthday, he snuck into a flower shop and bought me a little flower plant for Valentine’s Day. This was a small but mighty gesture that exhibited compassion in a vulnerable moment (for me). 

Alexanderplatz: a piss soaked underground bunker filled with decent memories after all.

I rented and ebook from the library and sent it to my kindle. When I turned on my kindle, the date was October 24, 2022. I haven’t used it since the day I moved to Germany and this realization sent me into a tailspin of sorts.

Later that night, I was with my friend Peter when I randomly started crying. I finally said it out loud, the words and feelings I’ve been avoiding for nearly two years…

“I’m homesick.”

He’s encouraged me to go home for nearly six months. Even he could tell I was homesick but pushing the feelings down. He knows what it’s like to feel this way and feel disconnected from friends and the familiar. It’s time I finally face this reality and make plans to go home.

One of the hardest things for me is waiting to talk to any of my closest friends until nearly 3pm my time. Nobody is awake until my day is nearly over. The time zone isn’t impossible but I feel it in the mornings and mid-day. It makes me feel the distance more than usual.

I miss my friends. I miss my Dad. I miss Tennessee in the fall. I miss motorcycle rides in the spring. I miss living two blocks away from my best friend. I miss driving in my car.

I miss home.

this song makes me simultaneously happy and sad

I have more to say about this but for now I’ll just say I had one of the best weekends I’ve had in a long time. I felt like myself. I laughed and smiled for three days straight. I thought about people, memories and stories I haven’t thought about in quite some time. I felt like I was home. I’ve missed home.

I’ve learned a lot in a years time. I think about the pain I’ve felt and the pain I’ve caused every day. Some of it I can’t make right but I wish I could. You’ll never know how badly I wish I could.

on rotation

Some months ago, I sat in a cafe with someone as we talked about the current state of our lives. They looked at me square in the face and told me my life was a mess. At the time, I took offense to that comment because a. I didn’t ask their opinion and b. it seemed harsh considering I was fighting an uphill battle and doing my best. Nonetheless, in many regards they weren’t wrong, especially as it pertained to boundaries or interpersonal relationships.

The funny thing is, my life isn’t a mess at all. It’s actually pretty straightforward and maybe too calm/structured these days. For most of the year I’ve felt like I was suspended in a free fall but now everything has settled and my life has discipline and purpose. I’m working towards multiple personal goals (running my half-marathon, learning German twice a week) and getting settled in my new job. My house is organized, I’m eating healthy. I’m reading and listening to audiobooks. I have trips planned. I have a nice schedule and routine with Russell. I’ve picked up my camera again and made it a habit to take it with me to the park and on my lunchtime walks. I’m writing again and working on my substack. I’m doing my best to take ownership and atone for my messiness and inappropriate behavior during a very stressful time in my life.

What more could you really ask for out of life on a day-to-day basis?

I’m genuinely so thankful for the support system I have in my life and for the people who were patient with me this past year. I’m indebted to my closest allies who showed up for me and lifted me up when I needed a hand. I’m finally in a position to give back to those friendships and relationships which gives me immense relief.

The summer solstice is coming and as corny as it sounds, I feel the metaphor strongly. It’s the longest day and the shortest night of the year. I finally feel like my life is outweighed by the light rather than the dark.

I was in Europe during the summer solstice in 2018—Italy to be specific. I was on a work trip but that night we went into town for the summer solstice celebration and to grab dinner. I remember sitting with my colleagues Juan and Walter, both at the time were at least twice my age. They told me they wanted to expose me to as much authentic Italian culture as they could on my trip and explained the importance of the summer solstice. We spent the longest day of the year together drinking wine on cute street in a small Italian town talking about life and how complicated it can be at times. Moreover though, those two men told me how simple it can be, too. That if you look at it head on and prioritize accordingly, it can all be straight-forward, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

der sommer kommt~