I’ve been working on a creative project but it isn’t fully fleshed out yet. In the meantime, I wanted to take the central idea and write a short piece about that. The other day, I was biking across town and when I say across town, I mean literally from one side to the other and as I turned the corner, I could see the Berlin TV tower in the distance. It was a nice day and I was in a good headspace to think and reflect.

I could probably write a book about all the ways my life has changed since I moved abroad. Some parts would be rather mundane but others would be fundamental, core shifting principles. I say it often but for the sake of the next few paragraphs, I’ll reiterate how much I’ve changed over the course of a year and a half. From my style, to my habits, activities, preferences, routine, etc. I feel like a completely different person in the best possible way.

I was walking with someone on a Sunday when I told him all the ways I had changed and how another version of myself would see this one and be surprised but moreover, impressed. I said “what a foreign concept” when describing my new lifestyle and the idea stuck. My life has become what I would have previously considered a foreign concept and every day I find myself integrating deeper into a different way of living. This is, after all, what I’ve always wanted.

So, as I was riding a bike towards the TV tower, I did a little audit of my weekend and thought, “I’d never have this kind of experience back home,” or at least I wasn’t living a life similar to the one I am now. I’ve been trying to run more often so after work on Friday evening, I went for a run in the park. Following that, I spent the evening at the park with new friends eating Thai food. On Saturday, I biked across town to meet a friend for a clothing swap with girls from all over the world. I was gifted plants that were propagated so I took care of them, too. (I got really cool clothes, for the record!) Afterwards, I biked home, walked around my neighborhood with Russ and my brother, Ryan then made dinner. On Sunday, I woke up early for a morning run with a friend. I ran to the Brandenburg Gate, through the Tierpark and back home. I made breakfast and had a coffee with my neighbor from upstairs. Then, I took Russ to the park, had a Radler and came home. It was, in my opinion, the perfect weekend.

Towards the end of my time in the US, I was working remotely and somewhat of a recluse when it came to making new friends. I had surrendered to the fact that I wasn’t going to stay much longer and couldn’t find a reason to make new friends if I planned to leave. While a practical thought, it didn’t help my day to day life or mental health by any means. As I realize now at 31 years old, I need connection in many forms in order to feel complete. I need physical activity outside of walking Russ in order to feel good or that I’m taking care of myself properly. I need to foster a community and make new friends while also spending quality, genuine time alone with my thoughts and ideas. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there.

The point of what I’m trying to say here is that previously, I wouldn’t have had several social engagements to attend or at least I wouldn’t have committed to them or followed through. I wouldn’t have biked as a means of transportation in most of the cities I lived in, either. I wouldn’t walk to the grocery store, attempt to speak in another language while ordering my coffee or wear the clothes that I do. I wouldn’t (or couldn’t) walk down the street with a beer as a nice weather activity. I wouldn’t have such an active lifestyle or feel safe to run/walk around at night. I wouldn’t make friends the way I do or take risks because my life, at that time, didn’t encourage it. So now, I look at every day as a new way of living and one that I certainly don’t want to take for granted.

What was once a foreign concept is becoming my reality. My job now is not to allow complacency and keep reminding myself that change (big or small) is a part of life and can lead to the actual things you wanted. There just might be some bumps or detours along the way, I guess.

For most of my life, I’ve written in a journal of some sort whether it be physical or online. I’ve always jotted down my thoughts and most importantly, I’ve always noted the date of the entry. I like to keep an archive of my life through written words and photos. I revisit them from time to time and it’s nice to see how things have transformed since then.

I found an entry from April 2022 when I visited Austria and Germany. I wrote about how nice it was to travel again (internationally) after the pandemic. I talked about how peaceful it was and how I knew I’d like to move here one day. If only I knew that within six months of writing that, I’d be preparing to pack up my belongings and move to Germany.

And you see, that’s the funny thing about journals. You go back and read them and it’s like reading a book when you already know what happens in the next chapter. Some of them are hard to read, too. I looked at my journal from the past year with caution. I skimmed certain parts that I didn’t want to relive and focused on parts where I knew things were turning a corner. But moreover, reading my entries from this time last year was horrific. If only I knew what was coming but I didn’t.

And yesterday, I sat down to write in my journal but instead of writing something normal about my day, I wrote a letter to my future self. I wrote to myself in the future and gave an update of life and where I’m at through that lens. Most importantly, I stressed how much progress I’d made in one year, noting how beautiful my life had become despite my hopelessness at times. Finally, I reassured my future self that everything is in fact okay now.

I hope I keep memorializing my life in this way—for better or for worse.

to zone out & chill

I had a hard night followed by a busy day at work. Inspired by my post below, I took off running.

When I was in college, I really got into running. I’ve always hated the act of running and found it uncomfortable or boring to some extent. As I got older, though, I found it to be both progress driven and also meditative—if you let it be.

At 19, I found myself running nearly every day after class. I would run in the evening on the greenway next to my apartment with my favorite playlist. I watched my distances increase and felt the runs getting easier week after week. My pace probably wasn’t very good but I was aware of the fact that I wasn’t so winded and my distances got longer on a steady, incremental basis. I ran in the spring and the peak of summer which was particularly miserable but I’d take it over winter running, even still. We’ll see if that changes at some point as I run more.

On December 31st at a small cafe in Berlin, a good friend and I made a pact to run a half marathon together in March. At the time I was optimistic about this goal and I began running (on the treadmill) consistently and watched my endurance increase at an accelerated rate. I started off strong and then February came along which involved a lot of traveling and plans that did not encourage running/training on a consistent basis. I was frustrated with myself but when I was honest about the situation: even if I had been training regularly during that month, I still wouldn’t have been prepared to run the half marathon in a way that felt good to me. And so, I didn’t run in that race.

On one of the said trips in February, I read What I Talk About When I Talk About Running which encouraged me to get back to it. I don’t know if I was scared that by running I would become a “runner” which is not what I have ever sought out to be. I didn’t want to attempt to be fast or set any sort of records for myself. I simply wanted to exercise in a way that required little equipment and allowed me to be outside and think. And voilà, that would be running. So I read Murakami’s approach to running which I found particularly interesting as he’s a novelist and has been recognized for this hobby despite his career. Apparently a novelist is not often a runner? Who knew.

Murakami started running at 33 years old as a way to stay healthy. He logged the amount of miles he ran and ensured this became a part of his every day routine. He talked about simply wanting to finish races in the beginning and taking on new challenges as he became a more seasoned, veteran runner. I don’t know why but the way he explained his approach to the hobby inspired me to pick up running again in a more habitual way vs. one where I’ll measure myself agains’t a clock or another person. With this in mind, I woke up early on Sunday morning, had a coffee, wrote in my journal and decided I’d go for a run. I know my neighborhood well and finding an appealing route was no issue. I set my watch and off I went.

I ran a 5k around my neighborhood and a nearby park which to me, felt like an accomplishment for not running in months. It wasn’t the prettiest run in terms of endurance but overall, I was happy that I was outside and exercising which was my goal, after all. It reminded me of the nights in college where I needed to move my body and listen to music without any human interaction and the peace that followed was hard to match with another activity. Anyway, I’m looking forward to more days outside as I run around the neighborhoods of Berlin and slowly, but surely, increase my distances and ability to feel comfortable in the silence.

I’ll work towards a half marathon but it will come when I’m ready, prepared and comfortable to be challenged. Until then!

 

mandy love theme