my dad says “pouring the rain” and i think that’s adorable

I’m sitting at my writing desk in my bedroom, a place I really enjoy reading and writing but haven’t been in quite some time. I spent many hours here in the summer and as the temperature dropped and the sun disappeared, I found myself hibernating in the back of the apartment, secluded by the trees.

For the past few days, the sun has been consistently shining in Berlin which as it turns out has had a massive effect on my mood. I know it’s a running joke that the sun can make all the difference or season but I’m reminded of this truth when I realize how happy I feel with just an ounce of sunshine. Anyway, I’ve spent a lot of time outside the past two days and now I’m sitting by the window with the sun beaming in while Russ sleeps behind me. I’m also eating dried mango which makes me even happier.

Due to this improved mood, I put on an album I hadn’t listened to in a while and used to listen to quite often. I had the vinyl and would put it on while I cooked. I did this a lot during the pandemic when I was living in California. It’s Carole King’s “One to One” which in my opinion, is an almost perfect album. When I put this one earlier while walking, I was instantly transported back to my kitchen in California. This is a good form of nostalgia, in my opinion.

I made myself a promise last year which was: I would attempt to escape German winter at least for part of it in my attempt to sidestep seasonal depression. Well, I’m officially doing just that! Next week, a good friend of mine and I are Tenerife bound and I haven’t looked forward to something like this in quite some time. I want to see the ocean, feel the sun on my skin and eat good food. As I said a few months back, going to Greece saved my soul at a time when I felt like I was rotting away. Maybe I need to look into living in a sunnier place at some point… or for part of the year…. which brings me back to my memories of California. I love that beautiful state.

I’ll always stand by this statement but I do love the seasons, all of them. Despite the frigid temperatures and grey skies, I’ve always categorized life’s big moments by the seasons. I appreciate the winter for what it is, a time for rest/downtime and when the sun rarely shines, standing directly in its exposure and looking forward to warmer days. All the things I’m doing right now during winter are preparing me to enjoy the summer to its fullest extent.

Will report back if I’m healed after my time in the sun.

I was listening to my audiobook this morning while walking with Russ and this particular chapter focused on the feeling of nostalgia. I’ve thought quite a bit about the phenomenon of romanticizing or craving the past and tried to adjust my mindset when it comes to this. In the chapter, they talk about the origin of the word and how the mind processes the emotion.

mid 18th century (in the sense ‘acute homesickness’): modern Latin (translating German Heimweh ‘homesickness’), from Greek nostos ‘return home’ + algos ‘pain’. 

I’ve always felt a strong pull to the past both in a painful recollection but also simultaneously in a “what once was” rose-colored view. Sometimes I can’t get my feelings about the past straight or understand why I revisit certain periods of my life or why it’s so painful to crave that time again.

Living abroad has been a really interesting experience for me because I go back and forth on a spectrum of feeling deep homesickness for simplicity, familiarity, community, acceptance, etc. but on the other hand, I feel nothing at all on the other side. From the origin of the word “nostalgia,” I understand the combination of both homesickness and pain. Sometimes the feeling washes over me so strongly that I have to put it on a shelf to not be completely consumed by the thought. Most days, I manage okay, though.

One of the questions I ask people when we become closer friends is: what was the best year of their life? If we’re even closer, I’ll ask what the worst one was, too. I really enjoy watching someone search through the archive of memories in their brain, the good ones, to determine which year out of all 30+ (in most cases) would top the charts. I revisit the two best years of my life somewhat often in my mind and I’ve actively tried to see those years for what they were because it wasn’t all good but there were stand-out moments that made them the best to date.

I’ve always had a hard time living in the moment. I think most human beings do as it’s similar to meditation in the sense of keeping your thoughts grounded in the present and not floating away to the past or future. I listened to a podcast recently that talked about how our minds tend to live in the past and future but rarely the present. We don’t pay the present the same amount of attention because it’s uncomfortable and forces us to slow down and take a look at the current state of things. It’s easier to look back in hindsight or look forward in a planning state of mind.

Either way, I’ve found my mind and thoughts drifting regularly to scenarios or places in my head that are largely unhelpful. I’ve discovered this happens consistently but I’m particularly focused on this when I’m running on a treadmill or walking and attempting to listen to an audiobook. I have to rewind or backtrack 20 seconds more often than I’d like to admit to retaining the important information. Like everything in life, it’s a work in progress and requires mental tenacity which only strengthens if you’re aware and actively working against the distractions. So, here I am, baby!!

In all honesty, I’m nostalgic for a simpler time in life. I’m nostalgic for the times when my biggest worry or stressor was planning how I could see my friends over the weekend. I’m nostalgic for the feeling of being an hour out from home and knowing I would soon see my grandmother and give her a hug. I’m nostalgic for the feeling of having a part-time job while studying and not worrying about my future every hour of the day. I’m nostalgic for the feeling of falling asleep on a good friend’s couch while we watched a movie and he made us dinner. I’m nostalgic for the feeling of driving in my car on a summer night with the windows down, listening to music without a destination in mind. I’m nostalgic for Friday nights at my dad’s house with my brother and his friends playing video games. I’m nostalgic for the feeling of the season changing to fall and college football season.

I’m doing my best to keep the nostalgia in check and focus on my daily life. One step at a time and one foot in front of the other, so it goes, etc., etc.

I had a dream last night about someone I hadn’t seen or talked to in a long time. In my dream, it felt like no time had passed at all since we saw each other last. We were laughing and riding in a car together and the chemistry we had as friends was present as ever. I don’t really think about this person often and I’m unclear why they made an appearance in my dream. At one point, I was around them often and we had a very special and weird bond, although it’s hard to explain. It might be that this person reminds me of a pattern or situation I find myself in currently. As I think about it, this person made me feel similar to how I feel now and I find it fascinating that the brain can link something like that in my subconscious.

Huh, well, anyway… I was just happy to remember a dream for once. It’s been a while since I could remember one so vividly.

wow for the first time in over a month, I can hear out of my right ear. I was starting to lose hope but I’m back in action and able to wear both airpods again. What a small but mighty luxury.

more on this later but may we never forget this fateful day:

There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going.
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing
Or which way the river’s flowing.
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a blowing?

Not a speck of light is showing
so the danger must be growing.
Are the fires of hell a glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes! The danger must be growing
For the rowers keep on rowing.
And they’re certainly not showing
any signs that they are slowing!

question, quality, quandary, quiet