yesterday, someone asked me how long i’ve had Russ and my response was: his whole life, we’ve grown up together. i’ve never really thought about it like that but it’s true.

I’ve been fairly silent here and in other places for a little while. I haven’t had the desire to say much despite my brain processing thoughts and information at a rate that would send me into a nervous breakdown if I wasn’t careful.

Creativity has been sorely lacking in my life for a bit. I really enjoy writing, creating things, taking photos, making collages, etc. And for some reason, my execution has plummeted. To be honest, I think there were a few areas that needed attention first that fall into a more logical/pragmatic camp and I have a hard time marrying the two in my head. So, here I am, writing down my thoughts in an attempt to get them out of my head and onto paper so to say.

I had the first real creative ideas I’ve had in months within the past two weeks which signals to me that I’m feeling better. I’m emerging from an excruciatingly dark season of life and feeling inspired to create things which in my view, is a real gift. I usually create things, connect to people, or at the least, draft essays I’ll never publish. And now, the time has come to get back to myself, or at least a new version where I’m continuously shedding old skin and becoming a new person with higher self-esteem, more critical introspection, less fear, and better boundaries around my time and feelings.

I hope through my creativity, these things show in little ways. More to come on that later, though.

I have an entire essay drafted about my trip to Budapest and maybe at some point I’ll polish and publish it. But for now, I’ll leave you with a few half-frame 35mm photos from my long weekend there with my very good friend who happens to be Hungarian. 

On a parting note, the two of us live in Berlin, or rather, Germany—a country where neither of us is from or speaks the language. When we flew back to Berlin from Budapest, the pilot welcomed everyone to the city and said “And to those of you returning, welcome home.”  I’m very grateful to this particular friend for playing a big part in making Berlin feel like my actual home. I’m also grateful to him for showing me where he feels most at home. 

Szia!

you’re not like other people, you do what you want to

my dad says “pouring the rain” and i think that’s adorable

I’m sitting at my writing desk in my bedroom, a place I really enjoy reading and writing but haven’t been in quite some time. I spent many hours here in the summer and as the temperature dropped and the sun disappeared, I found myself hibernating in the back of the apartment, secluded by the trees.

For the past few days, the sun has been consistently shining in Berlin which as it turns out has had a massive effect on my mood. I know it’s a running joke that the sun can make all the difference or season but I’m reminded of this truth when I realize how happy I feel with just an ounce of sunshine. Anyway, I’ve spent a lot of time outside the past two days and now I’m sitting by the window with the sun beaming in while Russ sleeps behind me. I’m also eating dried mango which makes me even happier.

Due to this improved mood, I put on an album I hadn’t listened to in a while and used to listen to quite often. I had the vinyl and would put it on while I cooked. I did this a lot during the pandemic when I was living in California. It’s Carole King’s “One to One” which in my opinion, is an almost perfect album. When I put this one earlier while walking, I was instantly transported back to my kitchen in California. This is a good form of nostalgia, in my opinion.

I made myself a promise last year which was: I would attempt to escape German winter at least for part of it in my attempt to sidestep seasonal depression. Well, I’m officially doing just that! Next week, a good friend of mine and I are Tenerife bound and I haven’t looked forward to something like this in quite some time. I want to see the ocean, feel the sun on my skin and eat good food. As I said a few months back, going to Greece saved my soul at a time when I felt like I was rotting away. Maybe I need to look into living in a sunnier place at some point… or for part of the year…. which brings me back to my memories of California. I love that beautiful state.

I’ll always stand by this statement but I do love the seasons, all of them. Despite the frigid temperatures and grey skies, I’ve always categorized life’s big moments by the seasons. I appreciate the winter for what it is, a time for rest/downtime and when the sun rarely shines, standing directly in its exposure and looking forward to warmer days. All the things I’m doing right now during winter are preparing me to enjoy the summer to its fullest extent.

Will report back if I’m healed after my time in the sun.