I’ve been in a very quiet, restorative era recently. I’ve been taking walks with my “keep me sane” playlist on loop. I’ve been meditating, journaling, going to yoga, etc. I’ve been slowly finding myself again and reconnecting with people I love. I’m taking a hard look at my life and things I like or don’t like which can feel scary at times. I’m testing out now things such as boundaries for the first time (ha!). No but really, I am sitting with myself more than I have in a long time to identify what makes me happy and where I’d like my life to go from here.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading/ingesting information regarding existentialism. I think I’ve stayed away from diving into this in a complex way because I didn’t want to go a few layers deeper into my decision making or actually take any sort of inventory of my life and choices. The truth is, I feel like I experienced varying degrees of self loss over the past few years. The foundation has remained but due to my porous boundaries and inability to check-in with myself, I adjusted to the needs of those around me and never really asked myself what I wanted or what would make me happy. Sometimes I didn’t even consider that an option which should tell you all you need to know about where I was in life.

I’m in this really special, sweet pocket of time right now. I feel really grateful to have the means to explore myself in this way and the freedom and choices to do so. I can’t remember another time in my life where I had space and quiet to think deeply about things. My brother texted me this morning and told me to write more. That made me happy because he knows I love to write and share things but I haven’t known what to say. I’ve been hibernating and jotting down personal thoughts but the longer form ones have been harder for me to put into words. So here I am trying to do that.

I think when you’re in a phase like this, you realize a lot about yourself and your surroundings. Who is willing to support you when you’re in a season of life where you aren’t as “fun.” It can be easy to isolate yourself during a time like this, too. Decision making is difficult, you say no to a lot of plans or invitations and then you don’t feel ready to re-emerge just yet. I’m trying to strike this balance where I can still engage with certain plans and people but not allow myself to over commit or become a full on recluse.

Through all of this, I’ve spent a lot of time with my dog Russell—like real quality time. I’ve been on the floor with him while he plays or works on a bone. I’ve let him off his leash and watched him run around with other dogs or sniff. This morning, we stood in “squirrel cove” a little tree covered hideaway within the park where all the squirrels gather. I didn’t rush his time there, instead I just stood with him and let him observe his surroundings and I did it with him, too. Over the past few weeks, he will just look into my eyes for long periods of time. We meet in this unbreakable eye contact and just sit there. I think he’s really enjoying this time in my life, too. It feels really nice to reconnect to myself and to him. Someone called Russell my grounding force and they were right.

Thank you to everyone who has been patient and supportive. It means a lot to me.

i drink too much coffee and

i think of you often

in a city where reality has long

been forgotten

I love going to the movies. It’s one of the things I’ve missed the most since about home since I moved to Germany. It’s not impossible to see a movie here but it is harder to find movies in English or rather, the original version. I would rather stare at a wall for 2 hours than watch a dubbed movie. I will always choose the original version with ENG subtitles. Oddly enough, I’ve watched quite a few French movies in more recent times and I can’t imagine robbing the actors of their performances and beautiful language to overlay voice actors reading the script in English. Anywho!

One of the best days I can remember in the last 4 years was spent in a movie theater. I was living alone in Berkeley and I decided to go see a matinee on a Sunday afternoon. I went to my favorite neighborhood movie theater, the El Cerrito Rialto. I ordered a beer and lunch and watched what would become one of my favorite movies of all time, The Farewell. The movie theater is small and cozy. They only have two theaters and have very select showtimes. They make homemade pizzas and little appetizers and every year they host an Oscar’s viewing part which I’ve also attended. Then I look at the megaplex AMC type theaters and I can feel the blood being sucked out of the whole movie viewing experience. I don’t want recliners in the theater and I don’t want to sit next to 400 people. Is that too much to ask?

Berlin has all kinds of theaters. Recently, I was sitting on a step drinking a beer in my neighborhood when I saw the cutest little theater hidden between stores and restaurants. On the marquee, I read they were playing When Harry Met Sally—one of my favorites. I went back that weekend, again on a Sunday, to sit with a big bag of popcorn and a radler to watch a fall movie that makes me happy. The theater only sat 50 people max. It was the perfect Sunday evening activity. I just love going to the movies is the point to all of this.

Side note: I like going to the movies alone because it’s really hard to find a good movie companion. Someone who is interested in the same movies, who won’t text during, and for the love of God, won’t order sweet popcorn. Why would you eat sweet popcorn? I’m sorry, it’s insane to do this.

Anyway, I love going to the movies!!

 

american angels

Living in a neighborhood and I mean really living in a neighborhood is an interesting experience. On my block, I have multiple kindergartens, cocktail bars, bakeries, little shops and even a hot dog stand. It’s adorable and idyllic. When I open the windows in my living room, I can hear the kids on the playground nearby laughing and carrying on. It’s a comforting sound to hear life happening around me. When I open the windows in my room, I can hear the sounds of people on dates or meeting with friends at the cocktail bar. That is also a comforting background noise while I read or write at my desk.

I walk around and assume nobody notices me. Sometimes when people cut me in line or bump into me as if I don’t exist, I take it as a sign that maybe I don’t. Perhaps I’m invisible and floating through life until I’m reminded that I’m not. It’s when the guy I buy my hummus from invites me in to sit with him one night and tells me about when he lived in the US and asks me my story. And when I see him the days following, he waves and asks how I am. It’s when the bartender across the street waves to me every night when I pass the bar or says hello on his smoke break. I started noticing the people around me and they started noticing me, too.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my neighborhood is beautiful. It literally translates to beautiful hill. The buildings surrounding my apartment are old and draped in ivy. My neighbor is a monk for crying out loud. It’s so cool. It feels more community-centric than any other place I’ve lived before. There’s a small community center nearby that holds classes for older people to learn how to use technology, repair their appliances and gather for dinners on a weekly basis. It just feels really nice to know that once you step outside your door, you can be a part of something nice. To some extent, I’ve always wanted this feeling but didn’t think it was possible in the confines of a larger city.

I’ve lived a lot of places and felt disconnected from the area. I’ve felt that at any moment I could pull the plug on the situation and nobody would notice. Not so much anymore!

To say it’s been a hard few months would be the understatement of the year. I have worn it on my face and couldn’t have denied that fact even if I tried. It would reduce my experience to say that swimming in the ocean, eating good food or hugging my best friend, Carly, would suddenly wipe away my problems.. But it sure did revive my soul in a way I didn’t think was possible. I’ve been stubborn in my own misery to think there wouldn’t be a single thing that would bring me joy or life back into my eyes. As I ran around Alexanderplatz frantically looking for Carly, I looked across the platform and there she was. When I finally got to her, we hugged and cried into each others shoulders. I finally felt like I could exhale. I took two weeks off from work (for the first time ever I may add), booked a trip to Greece and had a coffee or wine next to my best friend every day. It was a big step towards healing and coming back to myself.

I sent a picture of Carly and I to someone and they said “you’re smiling with your eyes.” I sent a video of us in Greece laughing and carrying on to someone else and they said “happiness looks good on you. it’s nice to see you smiling again.” There is something so restorative about being with a person who makes you feel like yourself in the full meaning of the phrase. Existing and spending time with a person who you can speak freely with or sit in silence and not feel uncomfortable is rare I’ve come to learn as an adult. A person with whom you can share thoughts or funny stories without fear of judgment. I’ve spent the last two weeks with the laptop slammed shut, sleeping in when I felt like it, having a wine or beer at 1pm just because and staying out until 5am dancing in a techno club with a person who makes me feel like me again.

I’ve never been to Greece. I also haven’t jumped into an open body of water all summer long. There’s a really special feeling that washes over you when you’re landing in a tropical place and you see the coast and the clear blue water for the first time. The feeling of the hot air that hits you as soon as you step off the plane that resembles opening an oven. The excitement that builds when you’re on your way to your hotel and you’re thinking about all the things you can do while you’re there. Carly’s mom explained that feeling to me and I wish I could bottle it up and keep it on the shelf for a rainy day. I haven’t felt that feeling in a long time. As we got into our van and serpentined through the island, I saw the beach, the deep orange sunset casting its light over the fields of olive trees and the rocky mountainous landscape that looked like the surface of the moon.

We spent our mornings eating breakfast together. During the day, we laid in the sun and went to the ocean. By night, we explored the little nearby towns and had dinner together. We cheers’d our drinks to the Greek sunset and made each other laugh. I slept better than I have in months and woke up to the powerful sun beaming through our shut curtains. We decided to rent a car to explore the island further. I haven’t driven a car in almost a year and I didn’t realize how liberating that would feel, either. I was so excited at the prospect of driving that I immediately jumped into the car at 10pm with nowhere to go, rolled down the windows and took off into the dark abyss. It felt like the day I got my drivers license (which alternatively was a cold day in January) as I was so eager to hit the pavement. I felt free and in control again which made me realize just how out of control I had become of my life, my emotions and direction.

When we returned to Berlin, we took it easy. We had our morning coffee together. We went for walks. We went on little pub crawls around the neighborhood. We sat outside with beers and went shopping for new clothes. We watched shows together on my couch and ordered take out. Sometimes I would look over to see Carly sleeping and it made me feel safe just to know she was there. I guess what I’m trying to say is, she brought light and a piece of home with her and I’ll forever be thankful for that.

As I sit here and write this, I feel different than I did three weeks ago. There’s a fine line between self-regulating and needing validation/love from others to feel okay. But this trip and visit made me feel whole again in a way that can only happen when you’re around a person you really love. When you get energy from a relationship or friendship vs. it draining you. I feel energized and so very lucky for my friendship with Carly.

I really didn’t think I’d feel this way again.