I’ve spent a lot of time complaining about the lack of “summer-y” weather in Berlin. . . but I gotta say: I’m done with that. Today, I took Russ on his normal morning loop and it felt like a late September/early October kind of weather. It’s chilly but the sun is out. There’s a breeze and I don’t know, it made me really happy. It’s my favorite kind of weather and wearing a sweatshirt and feeling comfortable outside is something I look forward to at the end of every summer.

I started asking myself why I was so fixated on the lack of blistering heat. I don’t particularly love when it’s hot, hot but it tells me where we are in the year. I’ve mentioned this before but I very much need four distinct seasons in order to feel like each block of months has been in its rightful place. I think that’s why when the weather is feeling more fall-ish, it makes the months blur together for me.

I was looking through my pictures today trying to find something in particular. Somehow I ended up on fall 2020 and it was like a gut punch. We drove from California to Tennessee with Russell so we could visit our families. It took us four days and we traveled through Lake Tahoe, Reno, Salt Lake City, parts of Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri and finally, Tennessee. It was a nice drive despite it taking four days. I mean at this point of the pandemic, there really wasn’t much to do anyway. I spent time with my dad and stayed at my grandma’s house. I worked remotely from the “pod” aka the room/loft above my grandparent’s garage. I opened the door on the balcony that’s right off the office portion of the pod and had the chilly air circulating through the screen door. From that vantage point, you can see horses next door, a small wooded area at the bottom of the hill and the mountains in the far distance. It’s peaceful up there.

I had stocked up on pumpkin items at Trader Joe’s and brought them along with me. I had pumpkin coffees in the morning with my dad and on my lunch break, I’d sit with him and my grandma and have sandwiches together. At night, my dad made a bonfire and we roasted veggie hot dogs and made s’mores. Sometimes thinking about this stuff makes my chest hurt. It’s like longing for something that doesn’t exist anymore because well, it doesn’t. I can never get that back but that’s life I guess.

Later in my visit, I stayed with Adam’s parents in Knoxville. We decided we’d go all out for Halloween. We decorated the house, we made spooky cocktails, fall snacks, a big pot of chili and cardboard gravestones. My dad came to visit because he loves Halloween. We handed out candy to the little neighborhood kids in their cute costumes. These are the things I really miss about home—the fall season, specifically. I’ve gone to “Halloween” parties in Berlin but they aren’t the same.

Last year I was here alone so I watched the Halloween episodes of my favorite shows (I was on a Boy Meets World kick) and I lit my spooky candles, made some chili and laid on the couch with Russ. Maybe this year I’ll throw a party, I don’t know. But the point is, I was thinking about this time and how nice it was. How the pandemic, despite feeling hopeless and miserable, also resulted in some of my favorite memories.

I’ll be home soon. 

Photos from the archive of fall 2020~

i went for a long run yesterday. the weather was nice and i had the energy, so why not?

9 miles or for my euro friends 14.5 kilometers!

it felt really nice to be outside, listening to a podcast and moving my body. i need to be in good running shape since this will be my primary form of exercise with all the traveling coming up in the next two months. auf geht’s!

same lol

and when i walk alone i listen to our secret theme

The summer weather in Berlin has been kind of a bummer. It’s been overcast and rainy for multiple weeks. For a country that has a prolonged winter and minimal sunshine for more than half of the year, we (the people) depend on the sunshine to come through from June-mid September. I’ve experienced a sort of whiplash from the boiling hot days to the chilly wet days with no real in-between. This past weekend was the perfect summer weather, in my opinion. Sunny and round about 80 degrees with the sun still high in the sky until 9:30pm.

I was thinking about incorporating play and spontaneity back into summer. For me, this season always represents a break from school, taking vacations and seeing my friends. I loved the summers as a kid. I would go to the pool, ride my bike, watch movies, play outside, eat ice cream, blast through my summer reading list, visit my grandparents, etc. I was left alone during the day as a kid and found ways to keep myself occupied. Sometimes I’d have obligations like dance practice or a summer camp of some kind but mostly, the days were mine. I operated like an adult as a kid/teenager with my little routine. I’d wake up, feed my cat, make my breakfast, watch a little TV and set out for the day. Once I got older, I’d go to my job at the water park or babysitting. When I had my license, it unlocked the world for me. That’s when the summers got really interesting.

I feel like I lost that feeling as an adult as you do. I stopped treating summers like a break and kept operating business as usual. I didn’t account for a longer vacation or do fun things after work. This weekend, it felt like summer days when I was 16 years old. I rode my bike, bought fresh cherries and ate them outside. I went to the park with my book. I took Russ on long walks. I laid on top of my bed with the windows open and watched a show on my projector. I went to a yoga class and got an iced cappuccino. I wrote a few poems!!

I want to bottle up the feeling of having a responsibility free summer.

i want to start writing poetry again. i used to write silly little poems and translate them into German.