I’ve been in a very quiet, restorative era recently. I’ve been taking walks with my “keep me sane” playlist on loop. I’ve been meditating, journaling, going to yoga, etc. I’ve been slowly finding myself again and reconnecting with people I love. I’m taking a hard look at my life and things I like or don’t like which can feel scary at times. I’m testing out now things such as boundaries for the first time (ha!). No but really, I am sitting with myself more than I have in a long time to identify what makes me happy and where I’d like my life to go from here.
I’ve been doing a lot of reading/ingesting information regarding existentialism. I think I’ve stayed away from diving into this in a complex way because I didn’t want to go a few layers deeper into my decision making or actually take any sort of inventory of my life and choices. The truth is, I feel like I experienced varying degrees of self loss over the past few years. The foundation has remained but due to my porous boundaries and inability to check-in with myself, I adjusted to the needs of those around me and never really asked myself what I wanted or what would make me happy. Sometimes I didn’t even consider that an option which should tell you all you need to know about where I was in life.
I’m in this really special, sweet pocket of time right now. I feel really grateful to have the means to explore myself in this way and the freedom and choices to do so. I can’t remember another time in my life where I had space and quiet to think deeply about things. My brother texted me this morning and told me to write more. That made me happy because he knows I love to write and share things but I haven’t known what to say. I’ve been hibernating and jotting down personal thoughts but the longer form ones have been harder for me to put into words. So here I am trying to do that.
I think when you’re in a phase like this, you realize a lot about yourself and your surroundings. Who is willing to support you when you’re in a season of life where you aren’t as “fun.” It can be easy to isolate yourself during a time like this, too. Decision making is difficult, you say no to a lot of plans or invitations and then you don’t feel ready to re-emerge just yet. I’m trying to strike this balance where I can still engage with certain plans and people but not allow myself to over commit or become a full on recluse.
Through all of this, I’ve spent a lot of time with my dog Russell—like real quality time. I’ve been on the floor with him while he plays or works on a bone. I’ve let him off his leash and watched him run around with other dogs or sniff. This morning, we stood in “squirrel cove” a little tree covered hideaway within the park where all the squirrels gather. I didn’t rush his time there, instead I just stood with him and let him observe his surroundings and I did it with him, too. Over the past few weeks, he will just look into my eyes for long periods of time. We meet in this unbreakable eye contact and just sit there. I think he’s really enjoying this time in my life, too. It feels really nice to reconnect to myself and to him. Someone called Russell my grounding force and they were right.
Thank you to everyone who has been patient and supportive. It means a lot to me.