The weather was very odd this past Saturday night. It was kind of chilly with warm gusts of wind and a clear, yet ominous sky. I committed to staying in on this night because I ran 9 miles (14k) in the morning and had a cycling class first thing on Sunday. I had the whole evening planned out which included watching a movie I’d been wanting to see, a nice dinner and a walk with Russ. These things changed a little when my brother came downstairs.
My brother has one of the most interesting lives of anyone I’ve ever met. He has friends all over the world. Ones he’s met in person and ones who exist solely on the internet. I could listen to him tell stories for hours because like my dad, he’s a good storyteller. Anyway, on this particular night, he decided to take mushrooms and go exploring. He asked if he could come talk to me before he left which turned into a nice night between the two of us.
I won’t say much because it isn’t my place to share what we talked about in detail but he did say a few things that really stuck with me. I could tell he was in good energy and feeling very expressive and raw in his emotions especially as it pertains to friendships and relationships. For the past while, I’ve been a little removed and quiet while moving through life. It’s been peaceful and calm but has left me siloed from social outings for the time being. I’ve appreciated our nightly walks together and how our relationship has evolved over the past year. I really depended on him emotionally and he was very patient with me.
While he was downstairs with Russ and I, we talked about all sorts of topics ranging from our childhood memories to movies and owing money to the utilities company. I know I’ve said this often and I’ll continue saying it but there’s something very special and unique about living in the same building as my brother. When I wake up and realize I live on another continent, I remember he’s three stories above me and it reminds me that everything will be okay. When I’m out late or doing something and he texts me to say he checked on Russ and put on classical music for him, I feel like this is my home.
Anyway, as we sat in my living room, Ryan told me how hard it was to watch me endure the last year. He told me how worried both he and my dad were about me and knew it would take time for me to find my footing. He said he had never quite seen me like that and knew it would take time. Then, he complimented me on my progress and told me things about my personality and nature from the vantage point of someone who has been close to me my entire life. He reminded me of my core elements—things that make me, me. I never realized how he saw me but what I’ve always appreciated is that he treats me not only like his sister but a friend, too. He said I had a “rich interior life” and I wondered what he meant by that.
My relationships with people over this past year have changed a lot. I’ve had to depend on people close to me and that’s outside of my comfort zone. I think about how grateful I am for the support I received and how it’s my turn to give that back where I can. As corny as it sounds, I wrote an entire page in my journal yesterday about everything I was grateful for. Literally, it read “I’m grateful for ______ ” 20 times over. It reminded me of a letter I once received from a friend where they wrote two pages of all the “Kendall-isms” they loved. Some of them were funny and even 10+ years later, they haven’t changed all that much.