I just made my second cup of coffee and gave myself a ten minute break this morning to jump on here. I have to start this by saying it feels so good to be back in Berlin after a week away. This is a feeling I never want to take for granted. I really look forward to returning to my little apartment and routine.
On Sunday mornings, I’ve been going to a yoga class in my neighborhood. I used to do a spin class every Sunday and I found being locked in a dark room with loud music pulsing through the place, along with strobe lights and sweat induced humidity, wasn’t serving me so much anymore. I’ve started to reject activities that, by design, are intended to spike my cortisol. I haven’t enjoyed HIIT classes or intense runs in quite some time, either. I thought about this as I was laying in a sun filled, open space yesterday morning.
A few years ago (pandemic times) I started my 200-hour yoga certification course. It was online and self-paced so if I had been as self-aware or honest with myself as I am now, I would have known that this format a) doesn’t work for me and I won’t see it through and b) I won’t have the same experience as I would if I studied in person and had practical examples and corrections. Knowing what I know now, I’d do it in person over the course of a few months or take a block of time to go somewhere and dedicate three weeks in a beautiful place to deepen my yoga practice. My intention with obtaining my 200 hour certification isn’t to teach yoga classes, rather become a better student myself. I guess that could change over time but for now, that’s how I feel.
Yoga became very important to me in 2018. After surviving a car accident that if I’m being honest should have killed me, I was left with a lot of unanswered questions and anxiety. I’ve never had a near death experience and it took me some time to recover from the aftermath. I couldn’t sleep, drive or calm down for many months after the accident. Honestly, that whole experience is another essay in itself but I won’t go into extreme detail today as it isn’t the focus of what I’m wanting to say. I couldn’t find peace or control following my accident. The events leading up to the accident were signs of burn out, extreme exhaustion and alarming levels of anxiety. My work at the time was demanding and I was traveling often. I was constantly criticized and nervous which took a toll on me. The long and short of it: one day as I was coming home from a work trip, driving 80mph (128 kph) in the left lane of a major interstate, I started to feel unwell. I was sweating and feeling dizzy. I got over to the right lane to pull over and before I could, I felt my heart slowing down and my hands dropped from the wheel. My last thought was: if I die, my boss will see my texts on my business phone saying how bad he made me felt.
To my surprise, I didn’t die. In fact, I wasn’t injured at all which was a miracle. My car was ruined and that was the least of my concerns. When I came to, my car was headed stopped, however, pointed in the direction of oncoming traffic. My car was stopped by the barrier ropes in place, ones that only started at this part of the interstate. I am forever grateful that I didn’t hurt myself or anyone else. I still can’t believe I didn’t. The truck driver who appeared at my door once I regained consciousness told me he’s never seen anything quite like that before. He couldn’t believe I was unharmed and was glad he didn’t witness something worse.
I kept working at my job and was forced to wear a heart rate monitor for 30 days. I was supposed to keep my stress levels to a minimum but this was impossible due to the group of people I worked with. In one instance, my heart monitor started to go off, sending a signal back to my doctors, when I was berated and dressed down at a product line review in front of all my colleagues. I knew this couldn’t go on and in an attempt to find some peace and control the situation, I turned to yoga. I would sit in a headstand for minutes at a time trying to tune out the noise. I would spend hours trying to perfect my forearm stands or creating my own sequences and flowing through them. At night when I couldn’t sleep or catch my breath, I’d go upside down until I could calm down. It was miserable and yoga was my refuge.
Now years later, I’m trying to reincorporate slow, gentle exercises back into my life. I’ve been doing yoga, going for longer walks with Russ, and getting into Pilates. The way these activities have slowed me down and been kinder on my nervous system is healing in many ways. A weak point of mine has always been my rigidity or reductive thinking in certain areas. It was my belief that if I wasn’t pushing myself to my limit and the point of exhaustion, I wasn’t giving a real effort. I needed to feel completely gassed by the end of a workout to deem it a “good” one. I’m getting more creative with my movement and doing my best to link it better with my mind. I want to feel energized and hope the movement brings me peace rather than stress and anxiety.
I started to look into 200 hour certifications in Berlin and maybe that’s something I’ll try to tackle this winter. The summer is already quite packed out and doesn’t let up until mid-October. Here’s what’s on the docket for the next few months:
- First up: a work trip in Karlsruhe where I have to give a big talk. I’m looking forward to it but also very nervous lol
- Visiting France for my birthday! (my first time)
- Making my first trip back to the U.S. in August…
- Going to Austria for 2 weeks in September (hiking, running, biking, relaxing)
- Work trip to London (my first time as well!) and giving the opening keynote for our event – yikes lol
It’s a busy few months ahead but that’s okay, too. I just need to keep myself in a flux state and keep a semblance of a routine in the meantime.
Adam is traveling for work this week. I’ll get some things to make a few nice solo dinners, go for long walks with Russ, start my new book and take it easy. I started watching a new show in German (Kleo) and I understood quite a bit—more than I would have without assistance six months ago. I’ve started journaling every morning auf Deutsch. All of this to say, I’m trying to slow down in every way and be kinder to my nervous system. I don’t want to end up where I was years ago when I felt like I was at the edge.