I’ve had some sticky thoughts, you could say. I haven’t been able to sleep well in about two weeks and neither has Russ. I’ve been waking up in the morning, drinking a big glass of water and writing in my journal. Today, I read a few pages from my book to help sort my thoughts out. My favorite moments in life are when my brain goes radio silent and for a moment I can sit in stillness and start fresh again.
I had such a lovely weekend. On Friday, my brother and I went for a long walk around the neighborhood. Afterwards, we watched The Pick of Destiny and made macaroni and cheese (lol) and it was really nice. Saturday, I went to get my haircut then had brunch with Lars and his friend group. Together, we all went to Rave the Planet and danced in the street for hours. Afterwards, we sat along the spree and drank water and watched the sunset. I walked home from the party and it was a nice way to decompress from the chaos and crowds. I got into bed with my windows open and could hear everyone on the street out and about on their Saturday nights. Russ rolled over and laid up against my legs and I thought how lucky I am to have everything I do in my life. I feel guilty for being unable to see that so clearly at times but depression can make those realizations cloudy to say the least.
On Sunday morning, I woke up early and made my way to the living room. Waking up early on a weekend is a treat, in my opinion. Sometimes when I’m awake with my cup of coffee, I feel like the only person in the world who’s up and about. I get some of my best thinking done during this time. I cracked the windows open and could hear the church bells ringing accompanied by a cool morning breeze. About five minutes later, I heard the sound of little paws making their way to where I was. Russ jumped up on the couch next to me and quickly fell asleep again. Fall is coming and I can feel it. It’s my favorite time of year and I truly look forward to it every time it comes around.
And so, I stared at the ceiling thinking about the sticky thoughts in my brain. I’ve tried to get better about letting them come and addressing the recurring ones or at least finding a way through them. As I looked around my apartment, I found myself in an all too familiar depression hole. I had let the dishes pile up, the trash needed taking out and my clean clothes were sitting folded in a chair. I decided I would put some classical music on and light a candle. Then, I popped up and got to work. I spent the morning taking care of my space and working through some complex thoughts while roughly mapping out my day. Ultimately I decided I needed a day to myself to reset and relax after a very social weekend.
I had a conversation with someone the other day where they asked me what made me an introvert. I confidently explained that I’m an introvert because I require alone time to recharge and feel my best self again. They rebutted, “but what if you’re with the right people? don’t they give you energy?” to which I replied, “yes, of course. however, in order for me to truly feel re-energized, I need to connect with myself and be alone.” This particular Sunday was a great example of that. I was craving alone time to think, read or go for walks. For a period of time, I was scared to be alone and that made me sad because for most of my life, being alone has brought me a great sense or comfort or security. I feel that way again and I didn’t think that I would.
As the night went on, I started to think about my space and style. Someone awhile ago made a comment about one of my favorite pieces in my house: my bookshelf. They said it was essentially a tribute to my grandmother but didn’t have my own style anywhere on the shelves. At the time, I wanted to impress this person or be more like them and I thought of all the ways I could make my apartment more scandi, beige or minimal. Big coffee table books about architecture, more neutral tones, less tchotchkes or sentimental souvenirs. Yes, that would be how I’d design my apartment and space. Clean, minimal and devoid of any personality. I leaned into this, too. I was fully prepared to revamp my space and make it into something of a catalogue. This is all to say, I was drifting far away from myself in more ways than one.
The thing is: I love that my apartment feels like Omie’s house. I feel there is no greater compliment than someone feeling comfortable in your space and telling you so. I want people to feel safe when they’re here with Russell and I. I have spent my entire life living in a house where I didn’t feel comfortable. My goal was always to create a place where I didn’t want to leave and where people would visit me and feel the same. I have been so fortunate to have people in my life that have created safe spaces both physically and metaphorically for me that I wanted to provide that comfort to someone as well. So as I was enjoying my calm Sunday, I got a text from my neighbor Isabel who was in distress as she has family visiting. I told her to pop downstairs if she could and we could talk. I made her a tea and told her how uncomfortable it can feel for me too, sometimes. As an adult, I’ve always felt very estranged from my family and typically lived far away.
While all of this may sound nonsensical it has a point. My therapist has encouraged me to make a home inside of myself and find a way to provide security and warmth. While I’ve done this with my apartment, I’m trying to do this internally, too. I’m trying to make it feel comfortable and secure within the confines of my own mind and emotions. I can’t rely on others or require reassurance to feel safe. It certainly helps but it has to start with me and this is where I’m fighting my way to feel unstuck.
As I write this, I’ve made my second cup of coffee. It’s a Monday morning and it’s slightly chilly outside. I’m listening to a non-lyrical playlist and I have the windows open. I’m sitting at my writing desk in my room looking at all the photos and postcards from the people I love the most on the wall. In just a month, my best friend, Carly, will be here for three weeks. In two months, I’ll be reunited with her parents and host them in my space.
Fall is near~